Goodbye, Blog World

This fall would be the 5 year anniversary of my blog. I love looking back and reading my old blog posts from the beginning. When my life as a newlywed revolved around work drama, where we were going for happy hour on Friday night, what time were heading to Tallahassee on Saturday to set up our tailgate for the FSU game, sleeping in on the weekends and tanning on my back porch with a beer and a trashy novel in hand. Oh how times have changed, and my times changed right here before your eyes on my blog. It's entertaining to read about what I once considered "fun", and to think about what I now consider "fun" these days.

I'm so grateful to have had my blog here to help me through the difficult times, when writing down what I was feeling was the only way for me to cope. This blog has seen me struggle through the experience of teaching in a Title I school, battling infertility, loosing my dad, leaving my job to put myself first and braving the IVF process. It has also seen my triumph through the amazing friends and family in our lives, our travels, our reconnection with church, a National Championship for my Seminoles, my pregnancy and the birth of our baby girl. In good times and bad, when all I needed was for someone to listen and not saying anything back, my blog filled that place for me. It's amazing what kind of emotional relief can come from simply typing on a keyboard.

However, 5 years and 744 posts later, I've decided that my blogging time has come to an end. The reason, I can't dedicate myself to my blog the way that I used to. If I'm going to take on a project, I want to do it full out 100% to the best of my ability, or not at all. These past few months, I've barely been able to keep up with doing a half-ass job with my blog. So I'm going to say goodbye to the blog world for now. I will continue to write privately on my own, in my own journal and in a scrapbook/baby book for Peyton. Maybe one day, when the time is right, I will return to blogging. But for now, I want to say thank you so much to everyone who has read my posts of these past 5 years. Thank you for allowing me to share my life, my stories and my obnoxiously large quantities of photos with you.

In true Wine Down fashion, I will leave you with some adorable photos of Peyton as I sign off from the blog world for good. Thank you.

Peyton's One Year Photos by Ariel Rose Photography

Scripture Memory {Verse 5}

I'm finally back on track (for now) with posting my verses here on the blog. I am five verses into this scripture memorization project for the year and I am truly enjoying it. I never really thought that something as simple as memorizing a few bible verses could really be life changing, but it is. Don't believe me? Try it for yourself and see what happens :)

P.S. - In case you missed the explanation on what I am doing here...short version: I'm memorizing 24 bible verses this year in order to help me get more into the gospel and grow spiritually. Long version: Read my blog post about it here.

My fifth memory verse for 2015 is Psalm 27:14...

Are we sensing a trend here? If you are thinking that I tend to choose a lot of verses that relate to patience, God's plan and waiting, then you are correct. Clearly, this is an area in which I struggle. When it comes to my personal life, I am a planner. I like to be in control, make a plan and execute it according to schedule. Then life intervenes and my whole plan goes up in flames. Ultimately, I have to end up being patient and waiting on God to execute His perfect plan for my life instead. And I suck at it. I am not good at being patient, or releasing control over my life plans. Ironically, I used to be a middle school teacher which requires an insane amount of patience. In the classroom, I had patience for days. And yet, in my personal life, I have zero patience. My journey in learning to have more patience and faith in God's plan is going on years now, but I'm constantly working hard at it and improving each day. Hence the verse I have chosen here.

I love how this verse instructs us to "wait on the Lord" twice in the same sentence. Because only one time is simply not enough. It's telling us right off the bat, "wait on the Lord", and then just in case you didn't hear it the first time, it's ends the verse by telling us once again to "wait on the Lord". It's almost as though the words are standing right in front of you, waving a red flag and telling you to look over here, the answer is right here! All you have to do is wait on the Lord. Simple, but easier said than done, right? Oh, and while you are busy waiting around on Him, you also need to "be strong and take heart". In case waiting on Him isn't difficult enough already. This other reminder is just as important as being patient in the first place. In the midst of "waiting on the Lord", we often tend to lose our courage, our faith and our hope, especially if the waiting takes what we deem as being too long. The longer we have to wait, the harder it is to stay strong, faithful and hopeful. However, keeping our faith and hope during the wait is what keeps us going. Without faith and hope, we will ultimately give up on ourselves and even give up on God.

It took me losing all of my strength, faith and hope during what seemed like the longest wait of my entire life to make me realize how desperately I needed them and God. By memorizing this verse, I hope to remind myself that when I am faced with an obstacle in my life plan, that I must wait on Him for I know that His plan is a greatest of all. And while I am waiting, I must stay strong in my faith and believe that He will see me through. I must stay hopeful in what is to come because even though I do not know what He has in store for me, I must have hope in that whatever He has waiting for me is going to be better than I ever could have imagined. So if you are praying to God about something and wondering why He won't answer you, remember that sometimes you just have to listen and wait.

Scripture Memory {Verse 4}

As usual, I'm a little behind on posting my verses, but I promise that I'm still going strong with memorizing them on schedule. The verse I have chosen for #4 is one of my favorites, which I'm sure that you will think is strange once you read it. It's not pretty or uplifting or sentimental, it's convicting. The first time I ever read it, I immediately felt convicted. That's when you know you've found a great verse. Every time I read it, I feel the exact same way...which is why I am choosing to memorize this verse. I need to be reminded of it constantly.

P.S. - In case you missed the explanation on what I am doing here...short version: I'm memorizing 24 bible verses this year in order to help me get more into the gospel and grow spiritually. Long version: Read my blog post about it here.

My fourth memory verse for 2015 is James 1:19-20...

If you read this verse and think, "I totally do all three of those things all the time", then you are probably lying to yourself. I can't think of anyone I know who does these things consistently, especially myself. In fact, I tend to do the exact opposite of these things more often than not. Don't we all? Personally, I think that our culture actually promotes doing the exact opposite of what God is calling us to do in this verse. When someone says something that you don't agree with or that offends you, what is your initial reaction? Do you wait and listen to what they have to say, then think about and choose your words carefully, staying calm and understanding of their feelings? Well, that's what God is telling us we should be doing if we want to glorify Him. However, I know how most of us probably react when someone offends us or disagrees with our opinion...we immediately stop listening to whatever they are saying and start building our argument in our head, we get all pissed off and just start spewing our "better and correct" opinions from our mouths like word vomit without even thinking about what we are saying before it comes out. Guilty as charged.

So the next time you are confronted with a difference of opinions, remember this verse. We should stop whatever we are doing or thinking right away and listen, truly listen, to the person who is talking. Not sit there staring at them pretending to listen, while actually building up our defense against them in our head instead of listening. Once they are finished talking, you don't have to open your mouth and say something right away. Yes, a little silence for a minute might be awkward, but not nearly as awkward as when you don't think before you speak and end up saying something stupid or hurtful. When I was a teacher, I would encourage my students to T.H.I.N.K. before they would speak. (Is what you are about to say True, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind?) I hate to say it, but even though I would hold my students accountable to this everyday, I definitely did not practice in my personal life what I was preaching in the classroom. Even as adults, I feel like we should follow these same guidelines and based on James 1:19-20 I think that God would agree.

Hence the reason I am memorizing this verse. I want to challenge myself to follow these instructions, rather than reacting in my normal manner. Have you ever gone off on someone, getting angry, saying hurtful things, and thought to yourself afterward, "I feel so much happier now"? Probably not. Anytime I let myself get angry and either say something hurtful or even just think it in my head, I always feel like crap afterward. Negative thoughts and feelings only produce more negative thoughts and feelings. Being negative does not produce positive results. The next time I am faced with a challenging situation, I hope to call on this verse from my memory and think about how God would want me to react to the situation before I open my big mouth.

Scripture Memory {Verse 3}

I have been keeping up with memorizing my verses, even though I am late on posting about them. For verse #3, I decided to keep it short and sweet. Even though this verse is fairly short, it's still very powerful. Every time I read it, I wish I had memorized it sooner. I can think of so many past instances in my life where I truly could have used this verse. However, it's better late than never and I'm glad that I found my way to it eventually.

P.S. - In case you missed the explanation on what I am doing here...short version: I'm memorizing 24 bible verses this year in order to help me get more into the gospel and grow spiritually. Long version: Read my blog post about it here.

My third memory verse for 2015 is Romans 12:12...

This verse has three distinct instructions that I need a lot of help reminding myself of on a daily basis. Be joyful in hope. It's really easy to lose hope when things aren't going your way, but it is essential to remind ourselves to have hope and to be joyful in all of the blessings that we do have. If we only dwell on the bad things in our lives, then we will all be miserable. Been there, done that. It sucks. If we focus more on the hope of what is to come and being joyful in the possibilities of what God has in store for us tomorrow, we will be much happier and life will be a lot more fun!

Patient in affliction. This one might be the most difficult of all...for me at least. When something is not going the way I want it to, I am so impatient. I want the "bad time" to be over as soon as possible (obviously), but sometimes these things take time and we have to wait. The best example of this in my life was when I was struggling with my infertility. I made myself miserable every single day because I was so pissed off that I wasn't pregnant yet. I basically missed out on enjoying two years of my life because I was so focused on wanting my infertility to end. Looking back, I now realize that God was going to take care of me...in His time. I probably would have been a much happier person if I had just been more patient with God during that difficult time. I should have been more joyful in the hope of what he had in store for me, which turned out to be Peyton...my greatest blessing of all.

Faithful in prayer. I'm getting better at this one. Have you ever noticed how we tend to go to God last with all of our problems? We try every which way to fix things on our own until we are completely out of options and then we finally turn to God once we are exhausted and ready to give up. It's probably best to go to Him first, don't you think? Since the outcome is ultimately up to Him anyways? You might as well cut out all of that extra effort, worrying and distress and go right to the source from the beginning. I used to be one of those people who would basically make myself miserable over something that was bothering me and then maybe think about praying for it, if I had nowhere else to turn to. I'm currently working on going to God first with everything, the good and the bad. I ask Him for help and guidance, praise Him for something good, or even just vent about something that's irritating me. Even if my prayer isn't answered right away, I at least feel better about the situation and I am able to be more patient in the interim.

Overall, this verse is a perfect one for me to memorize because it serves as a good reminder of what I need to do when I'm faced with a difficult situation. Instead of just getting pissed off right away and freaking out, I can stop myself and remember to stay hopeful because God has got my back, be patient and wait for Him, and always go straight to prayer as my first line of defense.

Scripture Memory {Verse 2}

I have successfully memorized my first verse, hooray! I must say that I'm pretty proud of myself, since memorizing things has not always been my forte in life, unless it was choreography for a dance routine. Put on the music for a song I had a dance to in 8th grade and I can probably still remember most of the choreography...could I actually do it, probably not, seeing as how I am grossly out of shape and no where near as flexible as I was then. (side note: anyone else notice how much pregnancy diminishes your body's flexibility? No fair.) Anywho, now we are on to verse 2 and I am very excited about my new verse!

P.S. - In case you missed the explanation on what I am doing here...short version: I'm memorizing 24 bible verses this year in order to help me get more into the gospel and grow spiritually. Long version: Read my blog post about it here.

Now, back to my new verse. Of course, there is a long-winded story about how I came across this verse and why I have chosen it as one of my memory verses. However, I'll let you in on the verse itself first in case you aren't in the mood to read my extensive ramblings about how I arrived at it. Alas, my second memory verse for 2015 is John 13:34-35...

Story time! First you need a little back story here before we get to the verse. So my church had us fill out these "gospel transformation" cards two weeks ago where we made goals for how we wanted to be transformed spiritually this year. Also on the card, we were to list one thing we want to "quit" this year that will help us in our transformation. My "quit" for this year is negativity. I want to rid my life of anything toxic...people, thoughts, and experiences that make me feel negative. I'm so guilty of whining, complaining and judging others and none of these things ever make me feel any better, just more negative. Therefore, I want to try and be more positive about everything. To surround myself with positive people, flood my brain with happy thoughts and focus more on what is going to make life more of a joyful experience rather than always dwelling on the negative. It's easy to judge others, to complain when things don't go your way, and to just focus on the negative things that are raining on your parade. And I am sick of doing that. Why do I always let one little stupid piece of negativity block out the overwhelming number of blessings in my life? I have so many things to be grateful for and yet, one little thing doesn't go the way I planned it and my whole day is ruined. How pathetic. I'm notorious for letting a bad situation or someone else's negative attitude bring down my spirit, well no more. I want to be happy, positive and nice as much as possible, even when shit hits the fan. I know this is going to be very challenging and I know that I will by no means hit the mark even by the end of the year, but even a little progress is better than none. I want to try and try my best I will. 

Pardon the side road there, but that's important information regarding my verse. So here is how I came about it. I picked out my verse on Wednesday, the day before I had to submit it on the LPM blog because I'm a planner, that's what I do. I picked out a lovely verse (Philippians 4:6-7) and was all ready to go with that on Thursday morning. 

I woke up Thursday morning and opened my Bible app to do my daily reading (yes that's right, your favorite Bachelor-watching, wine-loving blogger also reads her Bible every day) and the verse of the day was: "Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen." (1 John 4:20 NIV) I felt very convicted by this verse as soon as I read it. I thought, yikes, they are talking about me. I claim to love God and yet there are plenty of people out there who I truly dislike and can't stand. Girl just got called out. Ah. So I continued my daily reading which coincidentally happened to be in the book of John that day and it all just kept coming back to the same theme, love and forgive others, no matter what. If Jesus can love and forgive everyone, then so can you. Hmm, well they do have a point there. Next, I opened up my Instagram and the very first picture that popped up was a graphic from She Reads Truth that said "Love each other. John 13:34", and the caption below had the entire verse from John 13:34-35. As soon as I read it, I knew that had to be my verse for the next two weeks. 

I have chosen this verse because I need the reminder, everyday, all day, to love others. It's easy to love the people that you actually like...your spouse, kids, family, friends, etc. It's not so easy to love the people you dislike...that annoying co-worker, neighbor, family member, acquaintance, "frenemie" (don't lie, you all have one), random person in the grocery store line, random person driving slow in front of you when you are late for work, etc. It's really hard to love those people because heck you don't even like them, and maybe they have even done something really bad to you which makes you feel like you have every right to hate them. However, Jesus loved everyone, even the people who betrayed him and murdered him. Now, that's impressive. Trust me, I'm not trying to compare myself to Jesus or claim that I can be like him. Yeah, right. However, I do know that I am capable of trying a little harder to love others. Let's be real, what do you get out of being rude to someone or talking trash about them? Basically nothing. I've noticed that when I'm negative towards other people (even just in my own mind) that I feel crappy and negative too. And when I'm nice and positive towards others, then I feel so much better and happier. Alas, my verse. I want to use it to fight off the negative thoughts in my head. When I see someone doing something that I think is stupid or ridiculous, I want to replace that negative thought with my verse. Who cares if some girl wants to post a billion photos of her baby on Instagram (guilty as charged), I'm going to love her anyway because she is doing what makes her happy. And why does it matter to me if some crazy girl wants to write ridiculously long-winded blog posts (also guilty) and think that she's cool enough for people to actually want to read that garbage, well I will love her too. Challenge accepted. 

I see that what started out as a blog post has now turned into a short novella, sorry y'all. However, this verse just really has me going here. I promise that this is last point that I am going to make about it, so hang in there. The final line of the verse, "Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples", also spoke to one of my gospel transformation goals for this year. To share my faith with others. I'm not a huge fan of people throwing religion into random conversations. I am not one of those people who is going to come right out and ask you about your church, or try to force mine upon you because I just don't feel like that is my place and I don't really even know how to approach that. So I have been looking for ways to share my faith with others without just randomly throwing something like, "Hey, so how 'bout that Jesus guy" into a casual conversation. I feel like this verse finally gave me a little direction in that department. It says that simply by loving others, I can share my faith with the world. Well, that sounds like a manageable task, even for me. Ultimately, loving others seems to be like a pretty good idea in my book so I'm committed to making more of an effort. Love to you all, and free hugs for everyone. (That one is for all my fellow Bachelor fans out there...here's your free hug, don't worry you can get a coupon and redeem it later) 

Have a spectacular weekend and go share some love :)            

DIY Planner Stickers

I'm know I've discussed my love for planners on my blog before, but in case you weren't already aware, I'm a paper planner kind of girl. Yes, I'm basically still back in the dinosaur ages with my paper planner that you actually have to write in. The thought of not having a real tangible planner to physically write in, color code and cover in stickers makes me sad. I simply cannot make the switch to the electronic calendar. I'm sure it's much more convenient and efficient, but it's the same reason I can't switch from real books to a tablet or Kindle. I just like paper. There's something about having real paper I can touch that makes me enjoy it more. I basically look at my planner as a year-long project, almost like a scrapbook. I spend all year long decorating it, doodling in it, making lists, writing goals and accomplishments, planning meals and exercise, keeping up with events and special occasions...that planner is like my entire year in one little book. And at the end of the year, I can look back at this little masterpiece that I spent all year creating.

Not only does my planner keep me organized, but it's a fun project that I seem to really enjoy for some reason. I get super excited when someone gives me a date for something because then I get to write it in my planner! And if it's a really special occasion (like a wedding for instance) then I decorate the whole day with different colored pens and stickers. I just love it. I'm basically an overgrown kindergartner. And don't even get me started on my to-do lists. I make to-do lists for myself every single day in my planner and then check each item off as a do it throughout the day. It makes me feel so accomplished getting to check the little box in my planner next to each item. Even if it's something that I will probably remember to do whether I put it on my list or not, I write it down anyways. For example, I could look back in my planner from last year and tell you exactly how many times I went to Publix throughout the entire year. Because every time I needed to go to the grocery store, I would put it on my to do list for that day. I realize that this may sound insane to some of you, but if you are a list person or a planner person like me, you get it. 

I know what you're thinking...someone as crazy and obsessed with planners as me probably knows what the best planner out there is right? Well, I've tried a lot of different ones and it just depends on what you are looking for in a planner. My personal favorite is the Life Planner by Erin Condren. The name itself is exactly what makes this one the best for me. It truly is a life planner, not just a calendar. I don't need "just a calendar". I need something that I can record my entire life in everyday. This planner offers me that and I love it. I am currently on my 3rd Erin Condren Life Planner and it is still my favorite thing ever. My sister-in-law and I buy them for each other every year as a tradition and its always my favorite gift of the year. I get mine on Christmas morning every year and when I go to start opening my presents, my planner is always the one that I look forward to opening the most. 

These past couple of days have been so fun for me because I have been setting up my new planner for this upcoming year. My dining room table has been covered in stickers and pens and highlighters and markers. I've been having way too much fun. Which brings me to the actual purpose of this post...my DIY Planner Stickers. 

The EC Life Planner comes with stickers in it and in the past I've always just used those and that's it. Well those stickers are kind of small for my big handwriting (and they are just basic rectangles) so I wanted some bigger stickers possibly in fun shapes. Well, I didn't want to spend a bunch of money and it was hard to find exactly what I wanted, so I decided to make my own! 

My stickers obviously work best with an Erin Condren Life Planner, but you could always alter the size and shape of the sticker to fit whatever space you have available in your planner. Here are step-by-step instructions as to how I made them!

Here is what you will need...

2x4 inch White Mailing Labels

Craft Punch (any size less than 2") 

Computer and Printer

Your Planner!

Step 1: Design the background for your stickers on your computer. I used a template on Microsoft Word for 2x4 inch mailing labels. All I did was color the background of each label a solid color. You could use patterns too if you want, but I just did solid colors so that it would be easy to read whatever I end up writing on the sticker.

Step 2: Print out your labels and cut the pages in half so that it's easier to reach both sides of each label with your craft punch.

Step 3: Use a craft punch to cut out your stickers. You can use any shape that you would like, as long as you get a size that will fit on the label. I used the 1 1/2 inch scalloped circle and the 1 3/4 inch quatrefoil shapes. I wanted to use as big of a shape as possible (because I have large handwriting) without being too big for the spaces in my planner. I happened to already own these craft punches, but if you are going to the craft store to buy one just for this purpose you might want to measure the spaces available in your planner before you choose a size.

Step 4: Use a sharpie pen to write on your sticker, peel the back off and stick it into your planner!

If you turn using your planner into a fun, craft project, then you will enjoy it much more. I find that the more effort I put into making my planner fun, the more I want to use it and the better organized I stay all year long! If you are looking for a great planner to get you organized this year, check out Erin Condren's Life Planner. 

Here is my new Life Planner for 2015...

Hope you have fun getting organized for 2015!

New Year, New Goals

Happy New Year everyone! Can you believe that it's already 2015, y'all? I remember ringing in the New Year at the end of 1999, thinking that the world was going to end at midnight and we were all going to die or something. Well, we all survived and here we are 15 years later. Fifteen! I'm so excited to see what 2015 has in store for our family, and I've got some new personal goals to go along with this fresh new year!

Every year I make New Year's Resolutions and typically by February, I've already given up on them all. In going back and re-reading all of my previous resolutions, I discovered that they are always too open-ended and vague, which is why I never keep them. I tend make resolutions like "exercise more" or "eat healthier", which is basically impossible to measure. How do I know when I've exercised enough to meet my resolution? Therefore, I decided that there will be no resolutions for this upcoming year. Simply goals. Measurable goals. I am a list person. I make to-do lists and I check the boxes on my lists. That's how I function. Therefore, in order to hold myself accountable to something I have to be able to see what the end result is going to be and check the boxes as I go along. Hence, the goals. I need short-term goals in order to be successful. Saying, "I'm going to start exercising" with no end goal to actually achieve in sight, is probably not going to work for me. So without further adieu, here are my goals for 2015. Be sure to follow along with me on the blog this year as I complete my goals!

Health Goal: I will run the Gate River Run in March. Even if I have to walk some of the race, I will participate and finish the entire 15k. I hope that this goal will get me on the right track to exercising and being healthier in general. I realize that this goal will finish in March, so once I complete it then I will set a new follow-up goal dealing with health and exercise for the remainder of the year. But remember, I'm doing baby steps here...measurable, attainable, short-term goals that hopefully can lead to long-term lifestyle changes.

Spiritual Goal: I will participate in a Scripture Memorization challenge and memorize 24 bible verses this year. Some of my girl friends from church and I will be participating in this goal together and I'm really excited about it. We will memorize a bible verse (everyone picks their own) every two weeks for the entire year, resulting in 24 memorized verses by the end of the year. Of course, I will be posting my verses here on my blog as well as an explanation as to why I chose each verse. So feel free to follow along with me on this spiritual journey! If you are interested in participating in this challenge too, check it out here: Scripture Memory Team 2015

Mommy Goal: I will take Peyton on a local "field trip" at least once per month. Even though I know she won't remember or actually understand any of these outings, I want to expose Peyton to something new in our community every month.

Reading Goal: I will join a book club this year. If I can't find a book club to join, then I will get some girls together and start my own. I haven't read a book since before Peyton was born and this makes me sad. I love to read and I want to get back into reading for pleasure this year. I feel that joining a book club would help me stay on track and accountable for actually making time for myself to read.

Networking Goal: I will attend at least one play date or event per month in my new community. I want to meet my neighbors and get to know moms who live in this community. Our new neighborhood has a great mom's group with tons of events and play dates available every week. I want to attend at least one event per month to help Peyton and I get to know some neighborhood friends.

I'm sure that there are plenty of other goals I could make to further better myself this year, but let's start small and see how this goes. Maybe I'll even add some more goals throughout the year if I'm feeling really ambitious!   

We wish you and your family nothing but the best in 2015 and a very Happy New Year!

New Year's Resolutions

I typically write this blog post on New Year's Day, but things were so busy around here for the holidays that I just lost track of time. On top of everything chaotic that has been going on around our house in the past few weeks, the New Year didn't get off to as great of a start as I had originally hoped. I decided to not eat my black eyed peas and collard greens on New Year's Day this year because over these past two years that tradition has been bringing me the complete opposite of good luck and prosperity. Plus, I don't really like black eyed peas anyways, so if they aren't even going to do anything for me, I'm not going to bother trying to enjoy them.

However, by January 2nd, I was definitely ready for a do-over of this New Year already. Jared's truck was stolen from the parking lot at his work. Great. As if we didn't just have two weeks full of unexpected expenses (new washing machine, plumber, broken water filter, etc), now we are going to have to buy a new car. Plus, Jared loved that truck and I loved that truck. It was paid off and since it's was a diesel, we were planning on at least getting another 100,000 miles out of it before getting him another car. So now we have yet another thing to add to our plate, dealing with a rental car while we wait for insurance money on top of researching and purchasing a new vehicle.

I woke up on January 3rd with a positive attitude, knowing that it couldn't possibly be as bad as the day before. Wrong. Jared's mom was over at our house painting the nursery for us and I was getting things done around the house. I let the dogs outside in our fenced in backyard to run around for a little bit and went back to what I was doing. About 10 minutes later, I went to let the dogs back inside. Here comes Lola, but Sadie was no where to be found. I then noticed that the gate to our fence was open and literally almost had a stroke right there in the yard. I then remembered that the bug spray guy had been there a few hours earlier and he must have not closed the gate back all the way when he left (let's just say that bug spray company got an angry phone call after this). I was in a state of panic...not just a normal state of panic, but a pregnant lady state of panic which is much more dramatic and emotional. Sadie is not the kind of dog that just wanders around leisurely or doesn't go far away from you. Like Lola for example...the gate was open, with every opportunity for freedom, and Lola was still sitting by the screen door waiting for me to let her in the house. If given the opportunity, Sadie takes off full speed and doesn't stop. It had been about 10 minutes since I had last seen her, but in that amount of time with her speed, she could be miles away by now. Plus, our house backs up to about 10 yards worth of natural preserve and then there is a state road behind that. I was terrified that she had run out into that busy road and been hit by a car. I just kept thinking, oh my god, first Jared's truck and now his dog is gone. He is going to lose it. I knew there was very little I could do to bring her back, so I just prayed that God would lead us back to each other. I grabbed my mother-in-law and we both took off looking for her. She ran across my neighborhood street towards the lake (Sadie loves to go swimming) and I ran behind our house to the big road. Mind you, since I have an IVF-made pregnancy, running is definitely on the no-no list for me. However, in that moment I completely forgot that I was pregnant and was sprinting as fast as a could. It had recently rained too, so all the yards I was running through were super muddy and it was about 30 degrees outside. I knew that Sadie might not hear or respond to my voice, but there is one thing she never fails to respond to, her hunting whistle. In the field, Jared uses this whistle to call her back to him and I knew that if anything would get her attention, it was that sound. So here I am pregnant and muddy running through my neighbors' yards blowing this hunting whistle, which is insanely loud, when my mother-in-law hears Sadie's bark. She runs toward the bark and yells for me to come in her direction. Some of my neighbors back up to a tree line which divides our neighborhood from other private properties. Her bark was coming from the private acreage behind our neighborhood. So I had to run through some yards, jump over a barbed-wire fence, jump across a ditch full of water and across some random person's property before I came to this redneck-looking guy with all the doors of his truck open and Sadie inside. Not to mention, she was soaking wet. He said that he was outside loading some stuff up in his truck when Sadie came running into his yard. He tried to catch her but she wouldn't come to him because his pit-bull was out there with him, so he went to put his dog inside his house and when he came back out, she was in his truck. Never fails, if the door to a truck is open, Sadie automatically runs towards it and "loads up". Based on her wetness, she obviously took a swim in the lake before wandering over onto his property. However, I was so thankful that she was alright. So we took her back to my house and had to give her a bath in the 30 degree weather since she was already wet from the lake. I was pretty mad at her, but still so happy that she was home safely. Losing the truck the day before was upsetting. Annoying. Inconvenient. But that truck is a material thing that can be replaced. Losing Sadie would have been devastating. She is wild and crazy and pisses me off so bad sometimes, but Jared and I raised her from a puppy for the past 7 years and she is irreplaceable to our family.

Alas, I am getting a little bit of a late start on my New Year's Resolutions. But better late than never, so here they are...  

Exercise

I have been such a bad pregnant lady. I have barely been exercising at all thus far in my pregnancy. Due to IVF, I am so limited on what I can do as far as exercise. Walking is pretty much all I can do, but I haven't even been doing that. When you feel as horrible as I did for the entire first trimester of pregnancy, it is really challenging to get motivated to do anything beside lie on the couch in pain. Now, I am almost halfway through the pregnancy, so this is when exercise is going to become crucial. I want to maintain a healthy pregnancy weight and I need to be in better shape if I want my delivery to not be so difficult. Therefore, I must start a routine of walking regularly. I am going to try my hardest to go for a power walk everyday for the remainder of my pregnancy. Then, after delivery I want to get back into walking and running regularly to lose my baby weight. My goal is to run the Gate River Run in March 2015.

Let Go, And Let God

I used to be the kind of person who got really frustrated if I could not be in control of a situation. And then the last two years of my life happened and I realized that there is a whole lot that I have very little control over. I tried to fight it at first, but after two entire years of trying desperately to control things that are completely out of my control, I decided to just let go. There are so many things that only God has control over, so why should I frustrate myself trying to do His job? He will provide, He will take care of me and only He can do His job, so there's no reason for me to make myself miserable in the process. Things will happen according to God's plan and there is nothing you, nor I, can do to change that. During my IVF, I realized that I was finally beginning to live this truth. Never before had I been totally ok with not having control over a situation and not knowing what the outcome was going to be. I was actually surprised by how well I had learned to let go, and let God take over. One of my resolutions this year is to remind myself of this truth during 2014. There are a lot of things coming up this year that I am going to have very little control over...my labor and delivery, the health of my baby, my ability to breastfeed/care for my baby, and so many other unexpected things that I am sure will come up. While I will do as much research as I can ahead of time to prepare myself as much as possible, there is only so much I can do on my own. The rest is up to God. There is a lot of new and unfamiliar territory ahead of me this year, so I want to remind myself that when I am frustrated, overwhelmed or stressed, I simply need to let go and let God take care of me.

Year in Review

On the final day of 2012, I wrote a post very similar to this one. I kissed 2012 goodbye (and good riddance) and welcomed 2013 with open arms and hope for a better year. What you may not have known about last year's post was that I was hurting. I was writing that post trying to make 2012 not sound as bad as it was for me, but I was just hiding my real feelings because I wasn't ready to talk about them. I was pissed. I was upset that my dad was gone. I was angry and pissed off that Jared and I had tried to get pregnant for all of 2012 with zero success. I pretended that life was great and although I still enjoyed a lot of wonderful experiences, on the inside I was struggling.

So I have decided that this year, I'm not holding back. My intention is not to complain or throw myself a pity party, but I know what it's like to portray a life that looks "all put together" on the outside, but is an emotional mess on the inside. So here we go...not the "rainbows and sunshine" version of my year, but the real 2013.

January

We rang in the New Year with friends in Jacksonville. My New Year's Resolution was the run a 5k (which I did accomplish yay!) and my secret New Year's Resolution was to get pregnant (which I also did!).

We surprised Mark for his birthday when we showed up for a visit in Fort Lauderdale. 

I finally got to meet Miss Ava on this trip which was so exciting, but also extremely painful. After a solid year of trying to get pregnant with zero success, meeting new babies is always a struggle. I was so happy and excited for our friends, but also extremely jealous (remember, I said we were being honest here). Luckily, the McGuires are very good friends of ours who knew from the beginning exactly what we were going through. They were so supportive of our journey and allowed me to talk about pregnancy and fertility freely and openly all on my terms. It was extremely helpful and I thank them immensely for being so understanding of my feelings.

February

We attended the wedding of our friends, Mike and Emily. 

Emily was officially added to the Kappa Sigma Wives Club!

Jared and I officially became members of our church and made the decision to join an awesome small group. This was probably the best decision we made this year. I firmly believe that the power of group prayer is what got me through IVF and what got us pregnant. I never would have survived this year without my faith.

March

Jared and I went on a day trip to Epcot to drink around the world after finding out that our first intrauterine insemination (IUI) did not work and before beginning the next IUI cycle.

I began my second term as President of our local Phi Mu Alumnae Chapter. 

We celebrated Heather's upcoming wedding and St. Patrick's Day with her bachelorette party in Orlando.

I spent my entire Spring Break exploring all the best local hikes and enjoying the outdoors. Once again, I was trying to get my mind off of another failed IUI treatment, and focus on the good things in life. Easier said than done.

Jared's mom and I climbed to the top of the St. Augustine lighthouse! Even after living in this area my entire life, I had never been to the top of this lighthouse. It was a great view of this beautiful place we live in. 

Physical exercise is something that I was not allowed to do during my fertility treatments, so anytime I had a break from treatments I filled my spare time with all the things I couldn't do during them. Aka: physical activity and cocktails :)

We celebrated Easter at our house. Notice my curly hair...due to the fact that I had done my 3rd IUI the day before and was in so much pain that I couldn't bare to hold my arms over my head and straighten my hair.

April

We celebrated Gina's (my mother-in-law) birthday by taking her zip-lining at the Alligator Farm. I stayed on the ground and took pictures of everyone else because I couldn't participate due to my recent IUI.

St. Augustine celebrated it's 500th Anniversary and the landing of Ponce de Leon. I love living in such a historical place.

Heather and her bridesmaids at her bridal shower.

My bestie came to visit me, so we went frolicking around St. Augustine as usual. 

May

We took the moms to Epcot for the Flower and Garden Festival for Mother's Day. It was a beautiful day and we had so much fun together. After Epcot, we went back to my mom's beach condo for the rest of the weekend. I had to take a pregnancy test on actual Mother's Day to find out if our most recent IUI worked. The test was negative, so we went and drank beers on the beach. Laying in the sand, watching the the ocean and drinking a beer made me feel so much better.

Jared and I were both honored to be a part of Josh and Heather's wedding day. 

Celebrating Memorial Day at the beach condo and enjoying what would hopefully be my last cocktails before our final attempt at IUI.

June

I received my Teacher of the Year award. 

I finished my 4th year of teaching. I also discovered that while I was good at teaching, I was really unhappy at my job. The stress of teaching in a Title 1 school on top of the stress of fertility treatments had taken a serious toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. I had been hiding and suppressing all these feelings for the entire school year and I was ready for summer to try and pull myself back together. 

Our annual mother-daughter-aunt beach weekend at the condo. 

Jared and my brother went on a hunting trip in South America. I am so happy that Jared got to go on this amazing trip with my brother. The only downside was that I had to take a pregnancy test while he was away to find out that our final IUI was unsuccessful. 

Jared's mom had a partial knee replacement so I took care of her. Focusing on her and her needs for two weeks was great at helping me forget about all my failed fertility treatments. Plus, it was a fun bonding experience for the two of us. 

We were preparing to begin an in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle in July, but we found out at the end of June that we were going to have to cancel the cycle due to a cyst in my uterus. I was devastated. My sister-in-law, Melissa, took me horseback riding at her barn when I found out. I had been wanting to go riding at her barn for a while, but never could due to fertility treatments. When I found out we were going to have to take a two month break from treatments, off to the barn we went.

Mom and I went to Chattanooga, Tennessee to celebrate a baby shower for our family friends. 

July

Jared and I celebrated the 4th of July at the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina. 

Hiking and exploring in the Great Smoky Mountains!

Jared and I spent a long weekend up in the mountains of North Carolina at his family's cabin. After all this fertility drama and a rough 2013 thus far, I wanted to get away. So we escaped to the mountains. No cell phone signal, no air conditioning, no internet, nothing but the outdoors and us. It was exactly what I needed to start feeling like myself again.

Knowing that we would be doing an IVF cycle in September, I wanted to enjoy all the things I wouldn't be able to do once we started IVF and possibly got pregnant. We hiked mountains, climbed waterfalls, drank beer at all the local breweries. It was prefect.

I was also ecstatic to accomplish one of my major Bucket List items, hiking part of the Appalachian Trail!

Jared decided that I needed some bestie time because he was worried about how all this fertility crap was affecting me, as he should have been because I was hurting. So I joined Casey at her work conference in Cocoa Beach, which sounds lame but was an absolute blast. I laid on the beach with fruity cocktails while she attended meetings and then I got to join her for a behind the scenes tour of Kennedy Space Center. It was so cool. I love educational stuff.

The moment I found out that we would have to take a two month break from fertility treatments, I started running. I knew that this was my opportunity to accomplish something I have always wanted to do, run an entire 5k. It was my New Year's Resolution and something that has been on my Bucket List for years. Plus, running ended up being some amazing, head-clearing therapy for me. Every day I would run a little farther, and each time I started to feel tired and wanted to quit I would say to myself, "think of all the shit you have been through, you can do anything, you are so much stronger than you ever thought you were, you can run a little farther, keep running." And before I knew it I could run the entire distance of a 5k. As I crossed the finish line at the race, I started crying. I remember thinking to myself as I approached the finish line, "screw you fertility, I won't let you defeat me. A month ago I couldn't run half a mile and look I just ran an entire 5k, so screw you because I will win this battle." I don't think I've ever been more proud of myself.

August

I had my first "authentic" casino experience in Biloxi, Mississppi. I've been in a casino before, but this was the first time I was actually old enough to gamble and drink in one.

We celebrated Stephen and Lauren's wedding in Biloxi!

I started my 5th year of teaching and wanted nothing more than to not be there. I didn't want to be in the classroom anymore, I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom by now. I was also really nervous about having to go through IVF with an audience of middle schoolers everyday. As expected, it did not go well.

We celebrated my sister-in-law, Erika, on her birthday!

September

I celebrated Labor Day as my last weekend of freedom before beginning IVF. 

First FSU football game of the season and what would be my final beer until June 2014. 

I endured my first (and only, thank God) IVF cycle. It was a very difficult, painful and trying experience and I commend any woman who has ever had to endure it, especially more than once.

However, I wouldn't let IVF keep me from my FSU football :) 

September 30, 2013 - The day we found out that we were pregnant! After 19 months of trying to get pregnant, our prayers were finally answered. This was a very exciting and emotional day. I will never forget that feeling of knowing that all I had been through was not in vain and that is was finally all over. For once, I didn't have that feeling of "where do we go from here?" I finally knew where we were going and our path was finally clear. It was such an amazing feeling. However, no matter how great I felt, I couldn't help but think about all the other women out there who are still in fertility limbo. I pray for those women every single day. Nothing can prepare you for infertility and nothing can make you feel better about it. It is terrifying and devastating, but I hope that all those women who have to go on this journey will eventually find their own way to make a family, whether that be fertility treatments or surrogate or adoption. Pregnancy and parenthood is such a blessing and we should not take a moment of it for granted. 

October

Baby Roche's first FSU game. Looks like she ended up being our little good luck charm for the season!

We participated in the Out of the Darkness walk for Suicide Prevention in honor of my dad. 

We celebrated Baby Joseph at MaryAnn's baby shower. We are adding quite a few new babies to our group over the coming months and I am so excited to be a part of that!

We let our secret out and announced the coming of Baby Roche! I was a little apprehensive to do an announcement like this at first. I remember all those times that I signed on to Facebook, just to discover that another person I knew was pregnant when I still was not. It was like a slap in the face every single time. I know so many people who are still trying to get pregnant and I did not want my successful pregnancy to make them feel bad because I know that feeling all too well. However, I have spent a lot of time, money, emotions and pain to get to this point and I wanted to celebrate our success. I knew that these people who are my friends would know that I'm not trying to rub my pregnancy in their face, but that I want to celebrate my joy and let the world know that there is hope for women with fertility problems. And for right now, maybe they do hate me for getting pregnant before them and I don't blame them because I felt that way many times about my own friends' pregnancies, but there is nothing I can do about that and there is nothing wrong with those feelings so I will just continue to pray for their journey and hope for the best for them.   

November

We celebrated Miss Ava's 1st birthday in Fort Lauderdale. 

My mom hosted Thanksgiving at her house and I had my first experience with maternity jeans...what a glorious invention. I might be wearing them for Thanksgiving every year from now on, even when I'm not pregnant.

FSU Homecoming with my Phi Mu family + 1 new legacy coming in June!

December

Girls' night out at the Festival of Lights 5k 

I started volunteering at our church and decorated the entire sanctuary for Christmas. 

Right before Christmas, we found out that we are having a baby girl! I always thought I wanted to have a boy first, but now I could not be more excited about my little Phi Mu legacy!!

Jared and his fraternity brothers have been doing a Fantasy Football league for three years now so I decided that if I am going to have to watch NFL football all season long, I might as well find some way to be interested in it. We started a girls Fantasy Football league and we had such a blast all season long. I learned more than I ever thought possible about football and the NFL and I am forever hooked now. Turns out, I'm pretty good at Fantasy Football because I ended up being the champion of our league!

Jared and I were so blessed to have both of our families all together for Christmas this year. 

Our last Christmas as a family of two!

We celebrated my dear friend, Lindsay, and her fiance, David, at a bridal shower. 

Our Seminoles finished the season 13-0, ranked #1 in the nation and got a bid to the BCS National Championship! Our quarterback, Jameis Winston, won the Heisman Trophy as well. Jared and I can't wait to kick off 2014 from Pasadena, California cheering on our Noles!

Luckily, the later portion of this year started to redeem itself. The first 9 months of 2013 were rough for me, especially since fertility treatments were controlling my entire life, but things really started to turn around in the last 3 months of the year. I guess it just shows that there is so much that we do not have control over. Ultimately, God has a plan in mind for us and everything will happen according to His plan. This year, I just had to have faith that God was not going to leave me and that His plan would end up being what was best for me. In the end, that faith prevailed and I couldn't be happier.

This year had its fair share of rocky points up until the very last days of 2013. In this final week of the year, I feel like my entire house is falling apart. Our washing machine has broken in a way that required us to purchase a brand new one. And of course since it broke right before Christmas, I couldn't get a new one delivered until yesterday. You never appreciate simple appliances like washing machines, until you have to do without one for almost two weeks. Our guest bathroom toilet broke in addition to some other plumbing issues that required me to call a plumber out today so that we could have a working toilet for our NYE get together tonight. Our water filter in our refrigerator is broken so we have no ice or filtered water, requiring us to have to buy bags of ice and bottled water until we can order a replacement part. Sadie has two infected toenails which required me to take her to the vet (always a nightmare of an experience) for some antibiotics and a foot wrap, which the vet informed me I have to keep dry and clean for the next week. Um, have you met Sadie? She is never clean or dry for more than 30 seconds because she runs around our yard like a wild banshee. The vet tells me this information while Sadie is running in circles around her and simply gives me a "good luck" before she leaves the room. So I have been chasing Sadie around all week trying to keep a plastic baggie covering her bandage. I also dislocated/sprained my left thumb about two weeks ago and of course did nothing about it except ice it because there isn't really much you can do about it. I have noticed this week that it is hurting more and swelling regularly. Of course it is my left thumb and I am left handed, so I have no strength in my left thumb/hand. I guess I should get this resolved before June when I'm holding a baby non-stop.

Yes, all of these things literally happened in the last week. Trust me, no one is more ready for 2014 than this girl. All of these experiences this week have really made me miss my dad more than ever. Being a home builder, he always fixed all of my house problems for me. Today was the first time I ever had to seek out a professional on my own and pay him to come into my home to fix something. In the past, my dad would either come over and fix whatever was needed, tell Jared how to best fix it or send one of his guys over to fix it if it was beyond something he or Jared could do. When Jared and I were wandering around Lowe's this week looking for a new washing machine, I so wished I could call my dad so he could tell me which one to buy. When Jared was trying to fix the toilet and we couldn't get the water to the house to shut off properly, my first instinct was to call my dad to ask him how to turn off the city meter. While Jared and I have been messing around with our new water filter trying to figure out why it won't work, I know that if I could just call my dad he would know exactly what we needed to do. I have baseboards that need to be fixed, drywall that needs to be repaired and so many things in my house that I look at everyday and think to myself, I wish I could call dad to come fix these things. Don't get me wrong, my husband is extremely handy and can fix almost all the things that need fixing around our house. However, he is so busy with work and school that I want him to be able to relax and spend time with me during his free time, not be my non-stop handyman. I think I am also feeling this way lately because we have finally started working on the nursery and I so wish that my dad was here to help me design it. Although Jared and I are perfectly capable of doing everything in the nursery on our own, my dad always had great ideas that I would never even think of. That's what 30 years of building custom homes will get you. Plus, being a builder's kid has given me extremely high standards of home design and I want this nursery to be perfect. Hopefully, my dad will send me some inspiration from above.

So that is where we are today, as 2013 comes to a close. I know that these end of the year posts are supposed to be fun and upbeat, so I apologize for mine being so deep and solemn. I am glad to be leaving 2013 behind me and moving forward with the life lessons I have learned in this past year. I am definitely forever changed after this year, but I know it is for the better. I am excited for all that 2014 has to bring, especially my baby girl!

Cheers to 2014! Let's make it a great one!