Goodbye, Blog World

This fall would be the 5 year anniversary of my blog. I love looking back and reading my old blog posts from the beginning. When my life as a newlywed revolved around work drama, where we were going for happy hour on Friday night, what time were heading to Tallahassee on Saturday to set up our tailgate for the FSU game, sleeping in on the weekends and tanning on my back porch with a beer and a trashy novel in hand. Oh how times have changed, and my times changed right here before your eyes on my blog. It's entertaining to read about what I once considered "fun", and to think about what I now consider "fun" these days.

I'm so grateful to have had my blog here to help me through the difficult times, when writing down what I was feeling was the only way for me to cope. This blog has seen me struggle through the experience of teaching in a Title I school, battling infertility, loosing my dad, leaving my job to put myself first and braving the IVF process. It has also seen my triumph through the amazing friends and family in our lives, our travels, our reconnection with church, a National Championship for my Seminoles, my pregnancy and the birth of our baby girl. In good times and bad, when all I needed was for someone to listen and not saying anything back, my blog filled that place for me. It's amazing what kind of emotional relief can come from simply typing on a keyboard.

However, 5 years and 744 posts later, I've decided that my blogging time has come to an end. The reason, I can't dedicate myself to my blog the way that I used to. If I'm going to take on a project, I want to do it full out 100% to the best of my ability, or not at all. These past few months, I've barely been able to keep up with doing a half-ass job with my blog. So I'm going to say goodbye to the blog world for now. I will continue to write privately on my own, in my own journal and in a scrapbook/baby book for Peyton. Maybe one day, when the time is right, I will return to blogging. But for now, I want to say thank you so much to everyone who has read my posts of these past 5 years. Thank you for allowing me to share my life, my stories and my obnoxiously large quantities of photos with you.

In true Wine Down fashion, I will leave you with some adorable photos of Peyton as I sign off from the blog world for good. Thank you.

Peyton's One Year Photos by Ariel Rose Photography

New Year, New Goals

Happy New Year everyone! Can you believe that it's already 2015, y'all? I remember ringing in the New Year at the end of 1999, thinking that the world was going to end at midnight and we were all going to die or something. Well, we all survived and here we are 15 years later. Fifteen! I'm so excited to see what 2015 has in store for our family, and I've got some new personal goals to go along with this fresh new year!

Every year I make New Year's Resolutions and typically by February, I've already given up on them all. In going back and re-reading all of my previous resolutions, I discovered that they are always too open-ended and vague, which is why I never keep them. I tend make resolutions like "exercise more" or "eat healthier", which is basically impossible to measure. How do I know when I've exercised enough to meet my resolution? Therefore, I decided that there will be no resolutions for this upcoming year. Simply goals. Measurable goals. I am a list person. I make to-do lists and I check the boxes on my lists. That's how I function. Therefore, in order to hold myself accountable to something I have to be able to see what the end result is going to be and check the boxes as I go along. Hence, the goals. I need short-term goals in order to be successful. Saying, "I'm going to start exercising" with no end goal to actually achieve in sight, is probably not going to work for me. So without further adieu, here are my goals for 2015. Be sure to follow along with me on the blog this year as I complete my goals!

Health Goal: I will run the Gate River Run in March. Even if I have to walk some of the race, I will participate and finish the entire 15k. I hope that this goal will get me on the right track to exercising and being healthier in general. I realize that this goal will finish in March, so once I complete it then I will set a new follow-up goal dealing with health and exercise for the remainder of the year. But remember, I'm doing baby steps here...measurable, attainable, short-term goals that hopefully can lead to long-term lifestyle changes.

Spiritual Goal: I will participate in a Scripture Memorization challenge and memorize 24 bible verses this year. Some of my girl friends from church and I will be participating in this goal together and I'm really excited about it. We will memorize a bible verse (everyone picks their own) every two weeks for the entire year, resulting in 24 memorized verses by the end of the year. Of course, I will be posting my verses here on my blog as well as an explanation as to why I chose each verse. So feel free to follow along with me on this spiritual journey! If you are interested in participating in this challenge too, check it out here: Scripture Memory Team 2015

Mommy Goal: I will take Peyton on a local "field trip" at least once per month. Even though I know she won't remember or actually understand any of these outings, I want to expose Peyton to something new in our community every month.

Reading Goal: I will join a book club this year. If I can't find a book club to join, then I will get some girls together and start my own. I haven't read a book since before Peyton was born and this makes me sad. I love to read and I want to get back into reading for pleasure this year. I feel that joining a book club would help me stay on track and accountable for actually making time for myself to read.

Networking Goal: I will attend at least one play date or event per month in my new community. I want to meet my neighbors and get to know moms who live in this community. Our new neighborhood has a great mom's group with tons of events and play dates available every week. I want to attend at least one event per month to help Peyton and I get to know some neighborhood friends.

I'm sure that there are plenty of other goals I could make to further better myself this year, but let's start small and see how this goes. Maybe I'll even add some more goals throughout the year if I'm feeling really ambitious!   

We wish you and your family nothing but the best in 2015 and a very Happy New Year!

Year in Review

Today is the final day of another year gone by. Therefore, here I am again writing one of my favorite blog posts of the year. I love getting to look back on all the wonderful memories of the past year and look forward to starting fresh all over again. As I compile all of the photos from our year, I am reminded of how truly blessed we are. 2014 was an amazing year. We kicked off the year with the Seminoles winning the National Championship, we welcomed Miss P into the world half way through the year, and finished off with a beautiful family Christmas in our new home. Wow! It looks like 2015 has quite a high standard to live up to. I am very excited to see where our journey takes us next. So here's to 2014, it's been great!

I think that my favorite thing about looking back through all of these photos is watching how much my body changed throughout the year. Growing a human being inside of you is basically the coolest phenomenon ever. I think I will celebrate by actually being able to enjoy a real glass of champagne on New Year's this year, hooray!

January saw the start of a new year, a lot of upcoming new additions to our friends' families, and the end of an amazing season for the Noles. Jared and I traveled (at 19 weeks pregnant, what the hell was I thinking) to Pasadena, California to watch our beloved Florida State Seminoles win the National Championship.

February brought on quite a pronounced baby bump for me as little Miss P just kept growing like a weed. Our wonderful church small group also threw a baby shower in our honor.

March was full of showers galore! Babies and weddings, oh my! While I was busy planning and attending a shower every weekend, Jared was busy running the Gate River Run. I was such a proud wife and can't wait to join him this year! Jared and I also planned a little getaway to the beach for our Babymoon.

April saw another wonderful baby shower for me, this one thrown by our college friends. Too much fun for sure. We also celebrated Easter (with me looking like I was hiding the largest Easter egg ever under my dress) and my 27th birthday!

May was the home stretch for my pregnancy, but that didn't slow me down. I braved the heat in honor of my favorite Jacksonville tradition, TPC. We took some beautiful maternity photos, as well as celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary in the place where we got married. I also waddled my way down the aisle in my childhood friend, Lindsay's, wedding.

June brought the birth of our beautiful baby girl. We had a wonderful childbirth, exactly the way I wanted it. I'm still pretty impressed with myself for delivering a 9 pound 15 ounce baby with no epidural or drugs. I guess I'm capable of just about anything now. We are so blessed that Peyton chose us to be her parents and life with her just keeps getting better. 

July saw our baby girl turn one month old, my best friend's wedding, as well as Peyton's baptism in our church on my dad's birthday.

August had us traveling to Tennessee (Peyton's first overnight trip!) for a family friend's wedding. She turned two months old and we celebrated that our sweet friends, The Halls, are going to be having a baby boy!

September kicked off Peyton's first football season and her first trip to the beach! She turned three months old and mommy even left her overnight with Grandma DeeDee for the first time so that her and daddy could go to the FSU vs. Clemson football game.

October celebrated Peyton's first Halloween along with tons of fall festivities...the pumpkin patch, corn mazes, farms, etc. She turned four months old and learned to roll over on her own.

November was a big month for our family! Peyton turned five months old and started eating her first solid foods. We also had another month of baby showers as we celebrated Baby Speer, Harrison, Lorelei, and found out that Baby Bean is going to be a girl. We celebrated our first Thanksgiving as a family of three and bought a new house!

December wrapped up the year with a boat load of holiday traditions and fun with family. Peyton learned to sit up on her own just in time to celebrate her first Christmas in our new home!

We have so many wonderful friends and family who made 2014 such an amazing year for us. Thank you all for being a part of our lives, we are truly blessed to have you alongside us every step of the way. I can't wait to see what 2015 will bring!

Making a Comeback

It's been over 2 months since my last post. Why, you might ask? Because I gave up on blogging. I quit. I decided that I didn't have the time or energy to dedicate to my blog any longer. Blogging used to be enjoyable and relaxing to me, but lately it had become nothing but a chore. It was something I was continuing to do simply because I felt obligated to do it. Obligated by whom? I have no idea. Possibly only myself? Maybe other people out there? Could I possibly afford to be so vain? To think that other people out there actually care enough about my blog to miss it if it was gone? I started writing this blog for myself and I always said that whenever it stopped being fun or helpful to me then I would stop writing. So I stopped writing. I took the one constant form of therapy that has always been there for me and I threw it away because I didn't have space for it in my life anymore. And it has taken me 2 months to realize how stupid of an excuse that is.

I miss blogging. Even if no one else ever reads a single thing I write ever again. I've realized that I need this for myself. Blogging is my hobby. It's basically my only hobby, besides crafting...and taking pictures of my daughter...but I'm not sure that actually qualifies as a hobby. I'm sure that most people would argue that this is a pretty pathetic hobby, but at least it's free unlike my husband's multitude of hobbies which all cost money. However, I decided that blogging makes me happy and gives me a relaxing form of therapy that I desperately need in this crazy world that is our lives. So with that unnecessarily lengthy tirade...I'm officially back.

A lot has happened since my last post, and since I'm a particularly OCD individual when it comes to my projects, I couldn't possibly leave a 2 month gap in my blog posts. Therefore, I'm going to play a little catch-up and back date a whole slew of posts that should have occurred over these last 2 months. Moral of the story...you have a lot of reading to do. But don't worry, it's the last week of the year and everyone is on vacation so there isn't a whole lot going on at your office anyways, right? Since I know everyone is looking for a good way to nurse their Christmas hangover and procrastinate at work today...you're welcome in advance. Here's what the Roches have been up to...

Sykes and Cooper Farm
Peyton's 1st Halloween
Peyton Brooke {Five Months}
Peyton's 1st Thanksgiving
Baby Showers Galore
Movin' On Up
Festival of Lights 5k
Peyton Brooke {Six Months}
Christmas Cards
Everlasting Mistletoe {DIY Christmas Craft}
Peyton Meets Santa
Peyton's 1st Christmas Eve
Peyton's 1st Christmas

Our Year in Review will be coming up next...

And did you really think I could possibly make it through I whole post without a picture of Peyton? Yeah right. Thanks for indulging my obsession with my daughter :)

  It's good to be back, y'all! 

100 Happy Days

I have decided to embark on this little challenge, to find something in my life that makes me happy every single day for 100 days in a row. I've seen this project on Facebook and Instagram and I really like the concept behind it so I'm going to jump on the bandwagon. I feel like too often we dwell on the things in our life that are negative or not living up to our expectations, when in reality, we are surrounded by 10x the amount of positive things that we can be thankful for which far outweigh that one bad thing. I am so guilty of this and I know it, which is why I really want to complete this challenge. I want to remind myself everyday of all the wonderful things in my life that I have to be happy about. Whether they be big or small, important or insignificant, if it makes me happy I want to take the time to recognize it.

I am starting today. I'll be posting a photo on Instagram with the hashtag #100happydays every day for the next 100 days. I'll probably post the photos in groups here on the blog occasionally as well so y'all can follow along.

If you are interested in participating with me, just go to their website 100happydays.com and sign up. Yes, you actually register for this and then they check up on you to make sure that you are actually keeping up with it!

Join me in appreciating the little things in your life that can make you happy every single day! Here goes nothing. Wish me luck. Here's to the next 100 days, full of happiness!

National Infertility Awareness Week

In America alone, one in eight couples will have trouble getting pregnant this year. Around 7.3 million women will struggle with infertility at some point in their life. You know these women. They could be your friends, your family, your co-workers or the the woman in line behind you at the grocery store. You are surrounded by these women everyday whether you know it or not. I am one of these women. Infertility is often brushed under the rug as a "private matter"; not something we need to bring to public attention. It is often regarded as something you aren't supposed to talk about or something you should be ashamed of. However, it is far to common now for us to simply go on pretending that it doesn't exist or that it doesn't affect every single one of us in some way.

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive. For some of us, we are able to overcome infertility with the help of medications or treatments such as IVF. However, that does not mean that our hope for future pregnancies won't be affected by infertility as well. In addition, women who have already had one of more successful pregnancies can also be affected by infertility at any time. No matter what the circumstance, infertility is scary and frustrating. For me, not knowing what was going on in my body or what to do about it was the most difficult part. All our lives, we are taught over and over again how to prevent getting pregnant, or what to do once we are pregnant. No one ever tells you what to do if you can't get pregnant, or prepares you for the possibility that you won't get pregnant like everyone else does. Everyone assumes that getting pregnant is easy and natural and that everyone can do it. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

Please take some time this week to educate yourself about infertility. Whether you already have your own children or not, someone you know is probably being affected by infertility and they might need your support. If you have never tried to conceive before, but you plan on having kids one day, I urge you to get informed. I pray that you will never experience infertility, but in the event that you do, I don't want you to be blind-sided like I was.

This website has a lot of good information about infertility awareness. Take a moment this week to tell the people you know who are suffering with infertility that you care. I understand that sometimes we don't always know what is really going on in people's lives, so I find it a best practice to not bring up the subject unless they volunteer the information first. I kept my infertility a secret for 18 months and I can't tell you how many people would come up to me on a regular basis and ask me about when we were going to start having kids. Obviously, they had no clue what we were going through or I'm sure they never would have brought it up, but that still didn't make it any less painful for me. So before you ask someone you know when they are planning on starting a family or adding to their family, stop and think before you bring it up.

If you know someone who has been open with you about their infertility, but you are unsure of how to best support them or what to say to them, I hope you find the article below helpful. I wanted to share this article because I literally had every single thing on the "not to say" list said to me during my fertility treatments and I know that it can be a very awkward and difficult situation to be in regardless of what side you are on.

25 Things To Say (and Not To Say) to Someone Living with Infertility

To Say:
1. Let them know that you care. The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care.
2. Do your research. Read up about infertility, and possibly treatments or other family building options your friend is considering, so that you are informed when your friend needs to talk.
3. Act interested. Some people don’t want to talk about infertility, but some do. Let them know you’re available if they want to talk.
4. Ask them what they need. They may also appreciate if you ask them what the most helpful things to say are.
5. Provide extra outreach to your male friends. Infertility is not a woman’s-centric issue; your male friends are most likely grieving silently. Don’t push, but let them know you’re available.
6. When appropriate, encourage therapy. If you feel your friend could benefit from talking to a professional to handle his or her grief, suggest therapy gently. If you go to therapy regularly, or ever have, share your personal story.
7. Support their decision to stop treatment. No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. 
8. Remember them on Mother's and Father’s Day. With all of the activity on Mother's Day and Father’s Day, people tend to forget about those who cannot become mothers and fathers. Remember your infertile friends on these days; they will appreciate knowing that you haven't forgotten them.
9. Attend difficult appointments with them. You can offer to stay in the waiting room or come into the appointment with them. But the offer lets them know how committed you are to supporting them. 
10. Watch their older kids. Attending appointments may be difficult if they have older kids at home.
11. Offer to be an exercise buddy. Sometimes losing weight is necessary to make treatments more effective. If you know they are trying to lose weight, you could offer to join them because it would help you achieve your personal fitness goals as well. 
12. Let them know about your pregnancy. But deliver the news in a way that lets them handle their initial reaction privately – email is best.

Not To Say:
1. Don't tell them to relax. Comments such as "just relax" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
2. Don't minimize the problem. Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. 
3. Don't say there are worse things that could happen. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
4. Don't say they are not meant to be parents. “One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, ‘Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother.’” Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
5. Don't ask why they are not trying IVF. Because most insurance plans do not cover IVF treatment, many are unable to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. Infertility stress is physical, emotional, and financial.
6. Don't push adoption or another solution. So often infertile couples are asked, “Why don’t you just adopt?” The couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision or chose another family building option.
7. Don’t say, “You’re young, you have plenty of time to get pregnant.” Know the facts. It’s recommended that women under 35 see a fertility specialist after being unable to conceive for one year. Being young increases your chance of fertility treatments working, but it does not guarantee success.
8. Don't gossip about your friend's condition. For some, infertility treatments are a very private matter, which is why you should respect your friend’s privacy. 
9. Don't be crude. Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like, "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
10. Don't complain about your pregnancy. For many facing infertility, it can be hard to be around other women who are pregnant. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Not complaining can make things a little easier for your friend. 
11. Don’t question their sadness about being unable to conceive a second child. Having one child does not mean a couple feels they have completed their family. Also, a couple may have had their first child naturally and easily but are now experiencing secondary infertility - infertility that comes after you’ve already had a child. 
12. Don’t ask whose “fault” it is. Male or female factor. Just because a friend has told you he or she is experiencing infertility as a couple, does not mean he or she wants to discuss the details.
13. On the other hand, don’t assume the infertility is female factor. 1/3 of infertility is female factor, 1/3 is male factor, and 1/3 is unexplained.

(Article Source)

If you or someone you know if struggling with infertility, encourage that person to read blogs from other women who are going through the same thing. I found this extremely helpful, knowing that I was not the only one out there who was struggling and that it's ok to be scared and pissed off. I documented my entire infertility journey on my blog, so please share it with anyone who you think might find it helpful. This link will get you to all my posts about our journey. 

I am sending my love, prayers and a virtual hug to everyone out there who is currently struggling with infertility. You are not alone.

New Year's Resolutions

I typically write this blog post on New Year's Day, but things were so busy around here for the holidays that I just lost track of time. On top of everything chaotic that has been going on around our house in the past few weeks, the New Year didn't get off to as great of a start as I had originally hoped. I decided to not eat my black eyed peas and collard greens on New Year's Day this year because over these past two years that tradition has been bringing me the complete opposite of good luck and prosperity. Plus, I don't really like black eyed peas anyways, so if they aren't even going to do anything for me, I'm not going to bother trying to enjoy them.

However, by January 2nd, I was definitely ready for a do-over of this New Year already. Jared's truck was stolen from the parking lot at his work. Great. As if we didn't just have two weeks full of unexpected expenses (new washing machine, plumber, broken water filter, etc), now we are going to have to buy a new car. Plus, Jared loved that truck and I loved that truck. It was paid off and since it's was a diesel, we were planning on at least getting another 100,000 miles out of it before getting him another car. So now we have yet another thing to add to our plate, dealing with a rental car while we wait for insurance money on top of researching and purchasing a new vehicle.

I woke up on January 3rd with a positive attitude, knowing that it couldn't possibly be as bad as the day before. Wrong. Jared's mom was over at our house painting the nursery for us and I was getting things done around the house. I let the dogs outside in our fenced in backyard to run around for a little bit and went back to what I was doing. About 10 minutes later, I went to let the dogs back inside. Here comes Lola, but Sadie was no where to be found. I then noticed that the gate to our fence was open and literally almost had a stroke right there in the yard. I then remembered that the bug spray guy had been there a few hours earlier and he must have not closed the gate back all the way when he left (let's just say that bug spray company got an angry phone call after this). I was in a state of panic...not just a normal state of panic, but a pregnant lady state of panic which is much more dramatic and emotional. Sadie is not the kind of dog that just wanders around leisurely or doesn't go far away from you. Like Lola for example...the gate was open, with every opportunity for freedom, and Lola was still sitting by the screen door waiting for me to let her in the house. If given the opportunity, Sadie takes off full speed and doesn't stop. It had been about 10 minutes since I had last seen her, but in that amount of time with her speed, she could be miles away by now. Plus, our house backs up to about 10 yards worth of natural preserve and then there is a state road behind that. I was terrified that she had run out into that busy road and been hit by a car. I just kept thinking, oh my god, first Jared's truck and now his dog is gone. He is going to lose it. I knew there was very little I could do to bring her back, so I just prayed that God would lead us back to each other. I grabbed my mother-in-law and we both took off looking for her. She ran across my neighborhood street towards the lake (Sadie loves to go swimming) and I ran behind our house to the big road. Mind you, since I have an IVF-made pregnancy, running is definitely on the no-no list for me. However, in that moment I completely forgot that I was pregnant and was sprinting as fast as a could. It had recently rained too, so all the yards I was running through were super muddy and it was about 30 degrees outside. I knew that Sadie might not hear or respond to my voice, but there is one thing she never fails to respond to, her hunting whistle. In the field, Jared uses this whistle to call her back to him and I knew that if anything would get her attention, it was that sound. So here I am pregnant and muddy running through my neighbors' yards blowing this hunting whistle, which is insanely loud, when my mother-in-law hears Sadie's bark. She runs toward the bark and yells for me to come in her direction. Some of my neighbors back up to a tree line which divides our neighborhood from other private properties. Her bark was coming from the private acreage behind our neighborhood. So I had to run through some yards, jump over a barbed-wire fence, jump across a ditch full of water and across some random person's property before I came to this redneck-looking guy with all the doors of his truck open and Sadie inside. Not to mention, she was soaking wet. He said that he was outside loading some stuff up in his truck when Sadie came running into his yard. He tried to catch her but she wouldn't come to him because his pit-bull was out there with him, so he went to put his dog inside his house and when he came back out, she was in his truck. Never fails, if the door to a truck is open, Sadie automatically runs towards it and "loads up". Based on her wetness, she obviously took a swim in the lake before wandering over onto his property. However, I was so thankful that she was alright. So we took her back to my house and had to give her a bath in the 30 degree weather since she was already wet from the lake. I was pretty mad at her, but still so happy that she was home safely. Losing the truck the day before was upsetting. Annoying. Inconvenient. But that truck is a material thing that can be replaced. Losing Sadie would have been devastating. She is wild and crazy and pisses me off so bad sometimes, but Jared and I raised her from a puppy for the past 7 years and she is irreplaceable to our family.

Alas, I am getting a little bit of a late start on my New Year's Resolutions. But better late than never, so here they are...  

Exercise

I have been such a bad pregnant lady. I have barely been exercising at all thus far in my pregnancy. Due to IVF, I am so limited on what I can do as far as exercise. Walking is pretty much all I can do, but I haven't even been doing that. When you feel as horrible as I did for the entire first trimester of pregnancy, it is really challenging to get motivated to do anything beside lie on the couch in pain. Now, I am almost halfway through the pregnancy, so this is when exercise is going to become crucial. I want to maintain a healthy pregnancy weight and I need to be in better shape if I want my delivery to not be so difficult. Therefore, I must start a routine of walking regularly. I am going to try my hardest to go for a power walk everyday for the remainder of my pregnancy. Then, after delivery I want to get back into walking and running regularly to lose my baby weight. My goal is to run the Gate River Run in March 2015.

Let Go, And Let God

I used to be the kind of person who got really frustrated if I could not be in control of a situation. And then the last two years of my life happened and I realized that there is a whole lot that I have very little control over. I tried to fight it at first, but after two entire years of trying desperately to control things that are completely out of my control, I decided to just let go. There are so many things that only God has control over, so why should I frustrate myself trying to do His job? He will provide, He will take care of me and only He can do His job, so there's no reason for me to make myself miserable in the process. Things will happen according to God's plan and there is nothing you, nor I, can do to change that. During my IVF, I realized that I was finally beginning to live this truth. Never before had I been totally ok with not having control over a situation and not knowing what the outcome was going to be. I was actually surprised by how well I had learned to let go, and let God take over. One of my resolutions this year is to remind myself of this truth during 2014. There are a lot of things coming up this year that I am going to have very little control over...my labor and delivery, the health of my baby, my ability to breastfeed/care for my baby, and so many other unexpected things that I am sure will come up. While I will do as much research as I can ahead of time to prepare myself as much as possible, there is only so much I can do on my own. The rest is up to God. There is a lot of new and unfamiliar territory ahead of me this year, so I want to remind myself that when I am frustrated, overwhelmed or stressed, I simply need to let go and let God take care of me.

Year in Review

On the final day of 2012, I wrote a post very similar to this one. I kissed 2012 goodbye (and good riddance) and welcomed 2013 with open arms and hope for a better year. What you may not have known about last year's post was that I was hurting. I was writing that post trying to make 2012 not sound as bad as it was for me, but I was just hiding my real feelings because I wasn't ready to talk about them. I was pissed. I was upset that my dad was gone. I was angry and pissed off that Jared and I had tried to get pregnant for all of 2012 with zero success. I pretended that life was great and although I still enjoyed a lot of wonderful experiences, on the inside I was struggling.

So I have decided that this year, I'm not holding back. My intention is not to complain or throw myself a pity party, but I know what it's like to portray a life that looks "all put together" on the outside, but is an emotional mess on the inside. So here we go...not the "rainbows and sunshine" version of my year, but the real 2013.

January

We rang in the New Year with friends in Jacksonville. My New Year's Resolution was the run a 5k (which I did accomplish yay!) and my secret New Year's Resolution was to get pregnant (which I also did!).

We surprised Mark for his birthday when we showed up for a visit in Fort Lauderdale. 

I finally got to meet Miss Ava on this trip which was so exciting, but also extremely painful. After a solid year of trying to get pregnant with zero success, meeting new babies is always a struggle. I was so happy and excited for our friends, but also extremely jealous (remember, I said we were being honest here). Luckily, the McGuires are very good friends of ours who knew from the beginning exactly what we were going through. They were so supportive of our journey and allowed me to talk about pregnancy and fertility freely and openly all on my terms. It was extremely helpful and I thank them immensely for being so understanding of my feelings.

February

We attended the wedding of our friends, Mike and Emily. 

Emily was officially added to the Kappa Sigma Wives Club!

Jared and I officially became members of our church and made the decision to join an awesome small group. This was probably the best decision we made this year. I firmly believe that the power of group prayer is what got me through IVF and what got us pregnant. I never would have survived this year without my faith.

March

Jared and I went on a day trip to Epcot to drink around the world after finding out that our first intrauterine insemination (IUI) did not work and before beginning the next IUI cycle.

I began my second term as President of our local Phi Mu Alumnae Chapter. 

We celebrated Heather's upcoming wedding and St. Patrick's Day with her bachelorette party in Orlando.

I spent my entire Spring Break exploring all the best local hikes and enjoying the outdoors. Once again, I was trying to get my mind off of another failed IUI treatment, and focus on the good things in life. Easier said than done.

Jared's mom and I climbed to the top of the St. Augustine lighthouse! Even after living in this area my entire life, I had never been to the top of this lighthouse. It was a great view of this beautiful place we live in. 

Physical exercise is something that I was not allowed to do during my fertility treatments, so anytime I had a break from treatments I filled my spare time with all the things I couldn't do during them. Aka: physical activity and cocktails :)

We celebrated Easter at our house. Notice my curly hair...due to the fact that I had done my 3rd IUI the day before and was in so much pain that I couldn't bare to hold my arms over my head and straighten my hair.

April

We celebrated Gina's (my mother-in-law) birthday by taking her zip-lining at the Alligator Farm. I stayed on the ground and took pictures of everyone else because I couldn't participate due to my recent IUI.

St. Augustine celebrated it's 500th Anniversary and the landing of Ponce de Leon. I love living in such a historical place.

Heather and her bridesmaids at her bridal shower.

My bestie came to visit me, so we went frolicking around St. Augustine as usual. 

May

We took the moms to Epcot for the Flower and Garden Festival for Mother's Day. It was a beautiful day and we had so much fun together. After Epcot, we went back to my mom's beach condo for the rest of the weekend. I had to take a pregnancy test on actual Mother's Day to find out if our most recent IUI worked. The test was negative, so we went and drank beers on the beach. Laying in the sand, watching the the ocean and drinking a beer made me feel so much better.

Jared and I were both honored to be a part of Josh and Heather's wedding day. 

Celebrating Memorial Day at the beach condo and enjoying what would hopefully be my last cocktails before our final attempt at IUI.

June

I received my Teacher of the Year award. 

I finished my 4th year of teaching. I also discovered that while I was good at teaching, I was really unhappy at my job. The stress of teaching in a Title 1 school on top of the stress of fertility treatments had taken a serious toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. I had been hiding and suppressing all these feelings for the entire school year and I was ready for summer to try and pull myself back together. 

Our annual mother-daughter-aunt beach weekend at the condo. 

Jared and my brother went on a hunting trip in South America. I am so happy that Jared got to go on this amazing trip with my brother. The only downside was that I had to take a pregnancy test while he was away to find out that our final IUI was unsuccessful. 

Jared's mom had a partial knee replacement so I took care of her. Focusing on her and her needs for two weeks was great at helping me forget about all my failed fertility treatments. Plus, it was a fun bonding experience for the two of us. 

We were preparing to begin an in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle in July, but we found out at the end of June that we were going to have to cancel the cycle due to a cyst in my uterus. I was devastated. My sister-in-law, Melissa, took me horseback riding at her barn when I found out. I had been wanting to go riding at her barn for a while, but never could due to fertility treatments. When I found out we were going to have to take a two month break from treatments, off to the barn we went.

Mom and I went to Chattanooga, Tennessee to celebrate a baby shower for our family friends. 

July

Jared and I celebrated the 4th of July at the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina. 

Hiking and exploring in the Great Smoky Mountains!

Jared and I spent a long weekend up in the mountains of North Carolina at his family's cabin. After all this fertility drama and a rough 2013 thus far, I wanted to get away. So we escaped to the mountains. No cell phone signal, no air conditioning, no internet, nothing but the outdoors and us. It was exactly what I needed to start feeling like myself again.

Knowing that we would be doing an IVF cycle in September, I wanted to enjoy all the things I wouldn't be able to do once we started IVF and possibly got pregnant. We hiked mountains, climbed waterfalls, drank beer at all the local breweries. It was prefect.

I was also ecstatic to accomplish one of my major Bucket List items, hiking part of the Appalachian Trail!

Jared decided that I needed some bestie time because he was worried about how all this fertility crap was affecting me, as he should have been because I was hurting. So I joined Casey at her work conference in Cocoa Beach, which sounds lame but was an absolute blast. I laid on the beach with fruity cocktails while she attended meetings and then I got to join her for a behind the scenes tour of Kennedy Space Center. It was so cool. I love educational stuff.

The moment I found out that we would have to take a two month break from fertility treatments, I started running. I knew that this was my opportunity to accomplish something I have always wanted to do, run an entire 5k. It was my New Year's Resolution and something that has been on my Bucket List for years. Plus, running ended up being some amazing, head-clearing therapy for me. Every day I would run a little farther, and each time I started to feel tired and wanted to quit I would say to myself, "think of all the shit you have been through, you can do anything, you are so much stronger than you ever thought you were, you can run a little farther, keep running." And before I knew it I could run the entire distance of a 5k. As I crossed the finish line at the race, I started crying. I remember thinking to myself as I approached the finish line, "screw you fertility, I won't let you defeat me. A month ago I couldn't run half a mile and look I just ran an entire 5k, so screw you because I will win this battle." I don't think I've ever been more proud of myself.

August

I had my first "authentic" casino experience in Biloxi, Mississppi. I've been in a casino before, but this was the first time I was actually old enough to gamble and drink in one.

We celebrated Stephen and Lauren's wedding in Biloxi!

I started my 5th year of teaching and wanted nothing more than to not be there. I didn't want to be in the classroom anymore, I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom by now. I was also really nervous about having to go through IVF with an audience of middle schoolers everyday. As expected, it did not go well.

We celebrated my sister-in-law, Erika, on her birthday!

September

I celebrated Labor Day as my last weekend of freedom before beginning IVF. 

First FSU football game of the season and what would be my final beer until June 2014. 

I endured my first (and only, thank God) IVF cycle. It was a very difficult, painful and trying experience and I commend any woman who has ever had to endure it, especially more than once.

However, I wouldn't let IVF keep me from my FSU football :) 

September 30, 2013 - The day we found out that we were pregnant! After 19 months of trying to get pregnant, our prayers were finally answered. This was a very exciting and emotional day. I will never forget that feeling of knowing that all I had been through was not in vain and that is was finally all over. For once, I didn't have that feeling of "where do we go from here?" I finally knew where we were going and our path was finally clear. It was such an amazing feeling. However, no matter how great I felt, I couldn't help but think about all the other women out there who are still in fertility limbo. I pray for those women every single day. Nothing can prepare you for infertility and nothing can make you feel better about it. It is terrifying and devastating, but I hope that all those women who have to go on this journey will eventually find their own way to make a family, whether that be fertility treatments or surrogate or adoption. Pregnancy and parenthood is such a blessing and we should not take a moment of it for granted. 

October

Baby Roche's first FSU game. Looks like she ended up being our little good luck charm for the season!

We participated in the Out of the Darkness walk for Suicide Prevention in honor of my dad. 

We celebrated Baby Joseph at MaryAnn's baby shower. We are adding quite a few new babies to our group over the coming months and I am so excited to be a part of that!

We let our secret out and announced the coming of Baby Roche! I was a little apprehensive to do an announcement like this at first. I remember all those times that I signed on to Facebook, just to discover that another person I knew was pregnant when I still was not. It was like a slap in the face every single time. I know so many people who are still trying to get pregnant and I did not want my successful pregnancy to make them feel bad because I know that feeling all too well. However, I have spent a lot of time, money, emotions and pain to get to this point and I wanted to celebrate our success. I knew that these people who are my friends would know that I'm not trying to rub my pregnancy in their face, but that I want to celebrate my joy and let the world know that there is hope for women with fertility problems. And for right now, maybe they do hate me for getting pregnant before them and I don't blame them because I felt that way many times about my own friends' pregnancies, but there is nothing I can do about that and there is nothing wrong with those feelings so I will just continue to pray for their journey and hope for the best for them.   

November

We celebrated Miss Ava's 1st birthday in Fort Lauderdale. 

My mom hosted Thanksgiving at her house and I had my first experience with maternity jeans...what a glorious invention. I might be wearing them for Thanksgiving every year from now on, even when I'm not pregnant.

FSU Homecoming with my Phi Mu family + 1 new legacy coming in June!

December

Girls' night out at the Festival of Lights 5k 

I started volunteering at our church and decorated the entire sanctuary for Christmas. 

Right before Christmas, we found out that we are having a baby girl! I always thought I wanted to have a boy first, but now I could not be more excited about my little Phi Mu legacy!!

Jared and his fraternity brothers have been doing a Fantasy Football league for three years now so I decided that if I am going to have to watch NFL football all season long, I might as well find some way to be interested in it. We started a girls Fantasy Football league and we had such a blast all season long. I learned more than I ever thought possible about football and the NFL and I am forever hooked now. Turns out, I'm pretty good at Fantasy Football because I ended up being the champion of our league!

Jared and I were so blessed to have both of our families all together for Christmas this year. 

Our last Christmas as a family of two!

We celebrated my dear friend, Lindsay, and her fiance, David, at a bridal shower. 

Our Seminoles finished the season 13-0, ranked #1 in the nation and got a bid to the BCS National Championship! Our quarterback, Jameis Winston, won the Heisman Trophy as well. Jared and I can't wait to kick off 2014 from Pasadena, California cheering on our Noles!

Luckily, the later portion of this year started to redeem itself. The first 9 months of 2013 were rough for me, especially since fertility treatments were controlling my entire life, but things really started to turn around in the last 3 months of the year. I guess it just shows that there is so much that we do not have control over. Ultimately, God has a plan in mind for us and everything will happen according to His plan. This year, I just had to have faith that God was not going to leave me and that His plan would end up being what was best for me. In the end, that faith prevailed and I couldn't be happier.

This year had its fair share of rocky points up until the very last days of 2013. In this final week of the year, I feel like my entire house is falling apart. Our washing machine has broken in a way that required us to purchase a brand new one. And of course since it broke right before Christmas, I couldn't get a new one delivered until yesterday. You never appreciate simple appliances like washing machines, until you have to do without one for almost two weeks. Our guest bathroom toilet broke in addition to some other plumbing issues that required me to call a plumber out today so that we could have a working toilet for our NYE get together tonight. Our water filter in our refrigerator is broken so we have no ice or filtered water, requiring us to have to buy bags of ice and bottled water until we can order a replacement part. Sadie has two infected toenails which required me to take her to the vet (always a nightmare of an experience) for some antibiotics and a foot wrap, which the vet informed me I have to keep dry and clean for the next week. Um, have you met Sadie? She is never clean or dry for more than 30 seconds because she runs around our yard like a wild banshee. The vet tells me this information while Sadie is running in circles around her and simply gives me a "good luck" before she leaves the room. So I have been chasing Sadie around all week trying to keep a plastic baggie covering her bandage. I also dislocated/sprained my left thumb about two weeks ago and of course did nothing about it except ice it because there isn't really much you can do about it. I have noticed this week that it is hurting more and swelling regularly. Of course it is my left thumb and I am left handed, so I have no strength in my left thumb/hand. I guess I should get this resolved before June when I'm holding a baby non-stop.

Yes, all of these things literally happened in the last week. Trust me, no one is more ready for 2014 than this girl. All of these experiences this week have really made me miss my dad more than ever. Being a home builder, he always fixed all of my house problems for me. Today was the first time I ever had to seek out a professional on my own and pay him to come into my home to fix something. In the past, my dad would either come over and fix whatever was needed, tell Jared how to best fix it or send one of his guys over to fix it if it was beyond something he or Jared could do. When Jared and I were wandering around Lowe's this week looking for a new washing machine, I so wished I could call my dad so he could tell me which one to buy. When Jared was trying to fix the toilet and we couldn't get the water to the house to shut off properly, my first instinct was to call my dad to ask him how to turn off the city meter. While Jared and I have been messing around with our new water filter trying to figure out why it won't work, I know that if I could just call my dad he would know exactly what we needed to do. I have baseboards that need to be fixed, drywall that needs to be repaired and so many things in my house that I look at everyday and think to myself, I wish I could call dad to come fix these things. Don't get me wrong, my husband is extremely handy and can fix almost all the things that need fixing around our house. However, he is so busy with work and school that I want him to be able to relax and spend time with me during his free time, not be my non-stop handyman. I think I am also feeling this way lately because we have finally started working on the nursery and I so wish that my dad was here to help me design it. Although Jared and I are perfectly capable of doing everything in the nursery on our own, my dad always had great ideas that I would never even think of. That's what 30 years of building custom homes will get you. Plus, being a builder's kid has given me extremely high standards of home design and I want this nursery to be perfect. Hopefully, my dad will send me some inspiration from above.

So that is where we are today, as 2013 comes to a close. I know that these end of the year posts are supposed to be fun and upbeat, so I apologize for mine being so deep and solemn. I am glad to be leaving 2013 behind me and moving forward with the life lessons I have learned in this past year. I am definitely forever changed after this year, but I know it is for the better. I am excited for all that 2014 has to bring, especially my baby girl!

Cheers to 2014! Let's make it a great one!