IVF: One Year Later

This time last year, I took you all along on my journey through IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and shared with you our fertility struggles. Well, here we are one year later with a beautiful 3 month old baby girl. Despite the trials and tribulations, and everything it took to finally get here, we could not be happier or feel more blessed.

Exactly one year ago today, the embryo that was Peyton was implanted into my uterus during what they call the IVF "transfer". Jared and I watched on the ultrasound screen as our fertility doctor carefully and strategically placed the embryo inside my uterus. I remember lying there in the operating room watching it happen and thinking about what it would be like if this actually worked. What if this particular embryo was the one? What if I literally just watched my baby being conceived right before my eyes? Have I just experienced the moment in which my life is changed forever? 

I was also terrified. What if this didn't work? What next? Luckily, that IVF transfer was successful and we now have a beautiful baby girl to show for it. Read my blog post from last year about my IVF experience here. 

Now, it's one year later and how do I feel about the whole thing? Going through IVF (if it is successful) is like having natural childbirth (which I also successfully did). At the time, it's the absolute worst physical and emotional pain you have ever experienced. You doubt yourself and if it's really worth it. You want it to be over and you never want to do it again. Ever. You wonder why the hell you did this in the first place. You want to cry. You want to quit. You want to give up. But you don't. And when it's over, you are overjoyed and pretty damn proud of yourself. You have received the most wonderful and precious gift of all. And right there in that exact moment, it's all worth it. After it's all over, you have this surreal sort of amnesia. You start to feel crazy enough to actually consider doing it all over again. Would I do natural childbirth all over again? Yes. Would I do IVF all over again? If necessary, yes. I want Peyton to have siblings, so if IVF is the only way I can make that happen then I will sacrifice myself and do it all over again. 

The difference between the pain of childbirth and the pain of IVF is the immediate results. Going into childbirth, you know that the instant it is over with, you will have a beautiful and wonderful gift in your arms. (Except in some unforeseen circumstances of course) With IVF, you experience it all, the pain and the heartache, and then you have to wait for 2 weeks for the possibility of maybe something or maybe nothing. 

I have never experienced anything quite like the waiting room at the fertility clinic. Here you have a room filled with perfectly healthy people, some full of hope, but most full of despair. They are risking it all, their own health, their life savings, their sanity. Just to have a chance. A chance at the possibility of a maybe. Just a maybe. 

For the first time ever, I watched an episode of that MTV show, "16 and Pregnant" the other day. Bad idea. I had to turn it off. I almost threw up. As I watched this 16 year old girl struggling to survive and talking about her ruined life, I couldn't help but think about all those people in the waiting room at the fertility clinic. All those wonderful people who would make amazing parents, who would give anything to have what that girl who never even asked for it has. Moral of the story, if you have fertility problems...don't ever watch "16 and Pregnant". 

Every morning, I go to wake Peyton up and I watch her. I think to myself about how blessed we truly are. I think about those people in the waiting room of the fertility clinic who are still waiting. I think about the people I know, and don't know, who want so desperately to have children and cannot. I wonder why IVF worked for us, and not for others. I still don't know why God chose to bless us with Peyton, and yet keeps others waiting. 

I mostly think about a message that our pastor talked about a few weeks ago regarding why God allows there to be pain in the world. He talked about how God sometimes uses the bad things in our lives as an opportunity for us to draw closer to Him. Whether we actually decide to do so or not is completely up to us of course. Prior to going through IVF, I probably would have thought that was a completely ridiculous idea. However, I now realize that for me at least, that was so true. During the first part of our fertility struggles, I spent all my time blaming God. Being mad at Him for not giving me what I wanted or answering my prayers. I blamed Him for my infertility. I knew that getting pregnant was totally in His hands so if it's not working, then He must be punishing me. After months of essentially being pissed at God, I decided to change my tune right before our IVF cycle. Instead of blaming Him, I went to Him and gave all my pain and suffering over to Him. I strengthened my faith in Him, drew closer to Him, and let go of everything else. Believe what you will, but it was the IVF cycle that immediately followed that change in my life that we were blessed with Peyton. Did He put infertility in my life to bring me closer to Him? Maybe. I'll never know. But either way, I'm glad I decided to renew my faith in Him in that way because it has made a huge difference in so many areas of my life. 

So one year later, I feel grateful. Grateful for Peyton. Grateful for my faith. Grateful for the opportunity to have had that IVF procedure. And as I take the time to thank God for those things, I will also say a prayer for everyone out there who is still waiting. The wait is treacherous, but the reward is so worth it. Don't give up. God has a far better plan for your life than you ever could have imagined for yourself.

The End of Summer

Today would have been my 22nd first day of school. But it wasn't. This could have been my 6th year of teaching, but I won't be there. As the teachers and students in my area began a new school year today, I couldn't help but reflect on where I am now and how different my life has become. Last year, I sat in my classroom at the end of that first day of school and I cried. I was pissed. I was starting yet another school year, no closer to being pregnant and I was angry. I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be at home taking care of my baby, a baby which did not yet exist. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. Teaching was something I loved to do, but it wasn't my dream job. Being a stay-at-home-mom was my ultimate dream job. So there I was facing yet another year in a job that I had a love/hate relationship with. I was emotional, I was hormonal (from all the failed fertility treatment attempts), and I was pissed. I hoped and I prayed that would be my final school year as a teacher. And it was. In fact, I chose to had to leave in the middle of the school year.

Being a teacher is one of the most emotionally, mentally and physically demanding and difficult jobs out there. Going through invasive fertility treatments is one of the most emotionally, mentally and physically demanding and difficult experiences a woman can put herself through. Having to do both of those things together made for one of the most traumatic times in my life. I was a hot mess. I hated everything. I cried about everything. I was literally having an out of body experience all the time. I felt like I was up on a cloud, looking down and watching this person who I did not even recognize completely fall apart. There was nothing I could do about it. I had to give up something. I couldn't do it all. My family, my happiness, and my sanity is worth far more than any career could ever be. So I left teaching. Maybe one day I'll return to the classroom, but until then I am going to enjoy living out my dream job.

As I watched everyone return to the classroom today, I can't help but be thankful for my experience as a teacher. The good, the bad and the ugly. I learned so much about myself, our educational system, how to be a parent, and how to effectively be a part of a child's life. I know that I will be a better parent because of my experience as a teacher. 

There are things I will miss about teaching. The kids. My classroom. My co-workers. School spirit. Coaching volleyball. Watching kids who were once struggling, finally understand. Hugs. Handmade cards. Being a positive role model for kids who really need one. Creative projects. School supplies. Making kids feel special, loved and proud of who they are. Field trips. Changing someone else's life for the better.

There are also a lot of things I will not miss about teaching. But I will not get into the specifics of that here. Unfortunately for me, it was getting to the point in which the bad was starting to outweigh the good. Nowadays, majority of people who enter the teaching profession leave within the first 5 years. What does that tell you about the work environment we provide for our teachers? Just saying.

Today sort of felt like the first day of my new life. My new life where my identifier is no longer "teacher", but "mother". Teaching is no longer my profession. Yes, I still have a teaching certificate, but being a teacher no longer defines who I am. Mommy is my new profession and I could not be more excited. This is exactly what I have always wanted and I am feeling very blessed to have the opportunity to be a stay-at-home-mom.

While all my other teacher friends were back in the classroom today, I was in my neighborhood with my other stay-at-home-mommy friends from my church group doing this...perfection.

Lorelei (3.5 weeks), Peyton (9.5 weeks), Mary Claire (7 weeks)

The summer is now over for kids, parents and teachers. I haven't really noticed because not much has changed for me. I can't believe that summer is really coming to an end already and that Peyton is over two months old. This was a great summer for me, thanks to Peyton. However, I am ready for fall. Ready for football, pumpkin beer and more than anything, cooler weather. The heat of summer is very difficult with an infant. It's so hard to do anything outside with Peyton right now because if it's sunny then I have to worry about heat and sunburn. If it's not sunny, then I'm fighting thunderstorms. Once it starts to get dark, then I'm worrying about mosquitoes. Basically, there is no good time to be outside in the summer with an infant. Peyton and I are ready for some fall weather! 

I hope that all the students, parents and teachers had a wonderful first day of school today! There is nothing like the fun and excitement of the first day. I used to love that. I always thought teaching was very unique in that you get to "start over" and have a new first day of work every year, no matter how many years you have been teaching. Good luck to all and I wish you a spectacular school year! 

I've also been thinking about all the ladies who began Panhellenic Recruitment at Florida State today. This time of the year always reminds me of how much I loved Recruitment week when I was in college. That week changed my life freshman year because it brought me to Phi Mu. In the years that followed, this week was always my favorite part of being in a sorority. It was a time to reconnect to our sisterhood and remember why I joined Phi Mu in the first place. Good luck to my Phi Mu sisters at Alpha Epsilon this week with Recruitment and best wishes to all the Potential New Members who are in search of the perfect home :)

Needless to say, I'm feeling very nostalgic this week. Reminiscing about college, Phi Mu and Recruitment. Saying goodbye to teaching and learning the ropes of being a full time wife and mommy. Peyton and I just love getting to spend all day together :) I can't wait to see what new challenges and experiences being a stay-at-home-mom will bring! 

National Infertility Awareness Week

In America alone, one in eight couples will have trouble getting pregnant this year. Around 7.3 million women will struggle with infertility at some point in their life. You know these women. They could be your friends, your family, your co-workers or the the woman in line behind you at the grocery store. You are surrounded by these women everyday whether you know it or not. I am one of these women. Infertility is often brushed under the rug as a "private matter"; not something we need to bring to public attention. It is often regarded as something you aren't supposed to talk about or something you should be ashamed of. However, it is far to common now for us to simply go on pretending that it doesn't exist or that it doesn't affect every single one of us in some way.

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after 12 months of trying to conceive. For some of us, we are able to overcome infertility with the help of medications or treatments such as IVF. However, that does not mean that our hope for future pregnancies won't be affected by infertility as well. In addition, women who have already had one of more successful pregnancies can also be affected by infertility at any time. No matter what the circumstance, infertility is scary and frustrating. For me, not knowing what was going on in my body or what to do about it was the most difficult part. All our lives, we are taught over and over again how to prevent getting pregnant, or what to do once we are pregnant. No one ever tells you what to do if you can't get pregnant, or prepares you for the possibility that you won't get pregnant like everyone else does. Everyone assumes that getting pregnant is easy and natural and that everyone can do it. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

Please take some time this week to educate yourself about infertility. Whether you already have your own children or not, someone you know is probably being affected by infertility and they might need your support. If you have never tried to conceive before, but you plan on having kids one day, I urge you to get informed. I pray that you will never experience infertility, but in the event that you do, I don't want you to be blind-sided like I was.

This website has a lot of good information about infertility awareness. Take a moment this week to tell the people you know who are suffering with infertility that you care. I understand that sometimes we don't always know what is really going on in people's lives, so I find it a best practice to not bring up the subject unless they volunteer the information first. I kept my infertility a secret for 18 months and I can't tell you how many people would come up to me on a regular basis and ask me about when we were going to start having kids. Obviously, they had no clue what we were going through or I'm sure they never would have brought it up, but that still didn't make it any less painful for me. So before you ask someone you know when they are planning on starting a family or adding to their family, stop and think before you bring it up.

If you know someone who has been open with you about their infertility, but you are unsure of how to best support them or what to say to them, I hope you find the article below helpful. I wanted to share this article because I literally had every single thing on the "not to say" list said to me during my fertility treatments and I know that it can be a very awkward and difficult situation to be in regardless of what side you are on.

25 Things To Say (and Not To Say) to Someone Living with Infertility

To Say:
1. Let them know that you care. The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care.
2. Do your research. Read up about infertility, and possibly treatments or other family building options your friend is considering, so that you are informed when your friend needs to talk.
3. Act interested. Some people don’t want to talk about infertility, but some do. Let them know you’re available if they want to talk.
4. Ask them what they need. They may also appreciate if you ask them what the most helpful things to say are.
5. Provide extra outreach to your male friends. Infertility is not a woman’s-centric issue; your male friends are most likely grieving silently. Don’t push, but let them know you’re available.
6. When appropriate, encourage therapy. If you feel your friend could benefit from talking to a professional to handle his or her grief, suggest therapy gently. If you go to therapy regularly, or ever have, share your personal story.
7. Support their decision to stop treatment. No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. 
8. Remember them on Mother's and Father’s Day. With all of the activity on Mother's Day and Father’s Day, people tend to forget about those who cannot become mothers and fathers. Remember your infertile friends on these days; they will appreciate knowing that you haven't forgotten them.
9. Attend difficult appointments with them. You can offer to stay in the waiting room or come into the appointment with them. But the offer lets them know how committed you are to supporting them. 
10. Watch their older kids. Attending appointments may be difficult if they have older kids at home.
11. Offer to be an exercise buddy. Sometimes losing weight is necessary to make treatments more effective. If you know they are trying to lose weight, you could offer to join them because it would help you achieve your personal fitness goals as well. 
12. Let them know about your pregnancy. But deliver the news in a way that lets them handle their initial reaction privately – email is best.

Not To Say:
1. Don't tell them to relax. Comments such as "just relax" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
2. Don't minimize the problem. Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. 
3. Don't say there are worse things that could happen. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways.
4. Don't say they are not meant to be parents. “One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, ‘Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother.’” Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
5. Don't ask why they are not trying IVF. Because most insurance plans do not cover IVF treatment, many are unable to pay for the out-of-pocket expenses. Infertility stress is physical, emotional, and financial.
6. Don't push adoption or another solution. So often infertile couples are asked, “Why don’t you just adopt?” The couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision or chose another family building option.
7. Don’t say, “You’re young, you have plenty of time to get pregnant.” Know the facts. It’s recommended that women under 35 see a fertility specialist after being unable to conceive for one year. Being young increases your chance of fertility treatments working, but it does not guarantee success.
8. Don't gossip about your friend's condition. For some, infertility treatments are a very private matter, which is why you should respect your friend’s privacy. 
9. Don't be crude. Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like, "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
10. Don't complain about your pregnancy. For many facing infertility, it can be hard to be around other women who are pregnant. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Not complaining can make things a little easier for your friend. 
11. Don’t question their sadness about being unable to conceive a second child. Having one child does not mean a couple feels they have completed their family. Also, a couple may have had their first child naturally and easily but are now experiencing secondary infertility - infertility that comes after you’ve already had a child. 
12. Don’t ask whose “fault” it is. Male or female factor. Just because a friend has told you he or she is experiencing infertility as a couple, does not mean he or she wants to discuss the details.
13. On the other hand, don’t assume the infertility is female factor. 1/3 of infertility is female factor, 1/3 is male factor, and 1/3 is unexplained.

(Article Source)

If you or someone you know if struggling with infertility, encourage that person to read blogs from other women who are going through the same thing. I found this extremely helpful, knowing that I was not the only one out there who was struggling and that it's ok to be scared and pissed off. I documented my entire infertility journey on my blog, so please share it with anyone who you think might find it helpful. This link will get you to all my posts about our journey. 

I am sending my love, prayers and a virtual hug to everyone out there who is currently struggling with infertility. You are not alone.

A New Journey

Thank you all so much for the sweet congratulatory messages and well wishes for Jared and I as we embark on this new journey. We are so excited to become parents and can't wait to see what the future holds for our growing family.

For the past few months, I have been writing all about our fertility journey. I felt like my fertility problems were beginning to define me, that they were never going away, and that our infertility journey was never going to end. Although I am ecstatic for that journey to finally come to an end after so long, I am constantly reminded of where we started. Getting to this point was not easy and this baby truly is a blessing from God. I will try my hardest every day not to take this pregnancy or this baby for granted. I've discovered that being pregnant is wonderful one minute and irritating the next, but we have worked so hard to get here and I am unbelievably thankful for this blessing.

In case you missed out on any part of our fertility journey, here is a recap...

Our Secret
Our Fertility Journey
Fertility Journey {Jan-Feb}
Fertility Journey {March}
Fertility Journey {April}
Fertility Journey {May}
Fertility Journey {June}
Fertility Journey {July}
Fertility Journey {August}
Fertility Journey {September}
Fertility Journey {Egg Retrieval}
Fertility Journey {Embryo Transfer}
We Prayed, He Answered

Now, we leave that chapter behind and I can begin blogging about all things baby! I haven't done a single thing to even remotely begin planning for this baby. No nursery ideas, no name ideas, I haven't read a single book or article about pregnancy, I literally have done nothing...except document. The only thing I have done is take pictures to document every milestone of this pregnancy since the day I found out. Are you really surprised? I think we all know how obsessed with taking pictures I am, so I guess it makes sense that the only thing I have done thus far is document my pregnancy. I still don't know the first thing about birthing or caring for a baby, but my goodness I do have cute bump pictures starting at week 4. Since I have been keeping our pregnancy off the internet for the past month, we have some catching up to do. I will be doing weekly bump update posts, but I have to get caught up with weeks 4-8 before I can do the current ones. So be on the lookout for those posts coming soon! I can't wait to start sharing all about Baby Roche with you!

In other exciting baby news, this weekend I attended a baby shower for a dear friend of ours. She is 32 weeks pregnant with her second boy and we can't wait to meet him in December!

 The Kappa Sigma wives at MaryAnn's baby shower! 

The pregnant Kappa Sigma wives! I am so excited to be on this journey with these amazing women. 

Me {8 weeks}, Nicole {19 weeks}, and MaryAnn {32 weeks}

We Prayed, He Answered

This has been a long journey y'all. The past 19 months have been full of ups and downs, tears and disappointments, and what has felt like so many unanswered prayers. Luckily, our faith has been able to get us through every obstacle along the way. Which is why it is with great joy and unimaginable excitement, that I am able to announce that God has finally answered our prayers.

On September 30, 2013, we received the phone call that would change our lives. Jared and I sat on the couch together with our IVF nurse on speaker phone as she read us our positive blood test results and congratulated us on our pregnancy! We both remained calm on the phone and thanked her immensely. She has been my assigned fertility nurse since we started our treatments back in January. She has been with us every step of the way and I couldn't imagine going through all that we did without her. She has watched us go through so much and I could tell that she was genuinely excited for us.

After hanging up the phone, Jared and I sat on the couch in silence just looking at each other. Finally, I burst into tears. Over a year and a half's worth of built up emotions, pain and hormones just came pouring out all at once. I was so overwhelmed with joy and relief, I couldn't contain it.

We spent the rest of the day calling friends and family and celebrating. Those first few days were so surreal. I was excited, but didn't feel pregnant. Part of me was still afraid that eventually the inevitable ball was going to drop and I would soon find out that I, in fact, was not pregnant. I finally got over that the first time I saw our baby on the ultrasound screen and the first time I heard it's heart beat. We are now over 8 weeks in and I finally feel like this is really happening. Our prayers have been answered and we couldn't be happier.

Jared and I started out on this journey alone. It was horrible and ineffective. As we slowly started to let our friends and family in, things began to improve. The more people we let in, the more prayers we received and the more progress we made. I firmly believe that the the faith and love of those around us and the power of prayer, truly made this baby a reality. This never would have happened without the love and support of all of you. I cannot thank you all enough. We are also immensely grateful to the amazing medical staff at Brown Fertility. They have been catering to my every need and taking such great care of me for the past 10 months, we are so thankful for them.

I've been spending the past year and a half wondering why my prayers were going unanswered. I was frustrated and irritated, always demanding, "when is it going to be my turn?" I knew that God had a plan for me, but I wanted my baby to be a part of His plan right then when I wanted it. Looking back, I have realized that God's plan is always the best plan. Now is truly the perfect time for us to have a baby. God knew it would be all this time, we just had to be patient and wait for our blessing. I am so glad that He always has our best interest at heart.

Thank you all so much for all of your prayers and well wishes. We truly appreciate all the support that you have given us more than you will ever know. We are so excited to become parents and can't wait for the arrival of Baby Roche in June 2014!

Thank you for joining me on this journey and I can't wait to share the rest of our story on becoming a family of three over the upcoming months!

Fertility Journey {Embryo Transfer}

One of the cool things about doing IVF as opposed to conceiving naturally is that you get to be so aware of everything that is going on in your body at all times. You get to actually see every step of the way exactly how your body goes about trying to get pregnant. It is definitely the most fascinating thing I have ever witnessed, no wonder they call it the miracle of life.

After my egg retrieval, the embryologist immediately fertilized the eggs and then monitored them over the next 5 days as the cells divided and the little embryos developed. By day 5, the embryologist had examined and graded each of my embryos based on quality and selected the best one to prepare for transfer.

Many fertility doctors give you the option of how many embryos you want to implant. Majority of women choose to implant two embryos simply because the odds of at least one of them implanting properly becomes much higher. This is where a lot of those twins you see out there in the world come from :) I was reluctant to implant two embryos from the very beginning. Let's be honest, I don't know what the heck to do with one baby, let alone two! I did not want to take a chance on ending up with twins. Especially when my doctor mentioned that based on my young age and good health, putting in two embryos would definitely result in twins for me. No thank you. My doctor also expressed concern that since my ovaries produced so many eggs initially, he was afraid that putting in two embryos would send my body into overdrive and possibly cause serious health risks for me. Therefore, the only logical option here was to simply transfer just one embryo. Heck if this one didn't work, I was on track to have about 15 more chilling in the freezer waiting on me.

On September 16, 2013, I arrived at the IVF clinic (my home away from home for the past 9 months) ready for my embryo transfer. The procedure would not require any medication or anesthesia and Jared and I were going to be able to watch the entire procedure on the ultrasound screen. I was super excited to get to watch this whole thing as it was happening. The only annoying thing about this whole transfer process is that I had to have a full bladder. Like seriously full. I had to drink a ton of water and then sit there and wait while not being allowed to go to the bathroom. Apparently, when your bladder is really full it makes your cervix and uterus lay flat, giving the doctor a straight shot at getting the embryo implanted in the perfect spot.

Into the operating room we went, and they got me all set up with Jared in a chair right next to me. Honest truth, I was terrified that I was going to pee on the doctor. I seriously had to go to the bathroom that badly. The nurse informed me that I surely would not be the first or the last person to pee on the doctor during this procedure. Oh my lord. Good news, I held my own and did not pee on him. Thank goodness, that would have been embarrassing. Once the doctor got me ready and the nurse had the ultrasound on my belly, we had a front row view to the inside of my uterus. In came the embryologist with a catheter which had my one little embryo loaded into it. He handed it off to the doctor and then we all got to watch on the screen as the catheter went in and the embryo was placed in the perfect spot. It was literally the coolest thing I have ever witnessed. Once he took the catheter out, the embryologist inspected it under a microscope to make sure that the embryo was in fact out of there.

Next, I was instructed to lay on the table for another 15 minutes to make sure everything was settled in there before getting up. Everyone else left, leaving Jared and I alone in there with our ultrasound screen soaking in the moment that would hopefully be when our first child was conceived. Me, of course, being me, made Jared hand over his phone so I could snap a photo of the frozen ultrasound screen. If this was really going to be the moment that our child was conceived, I wanted some documentation.

 
The transfer procedure was virtually painless, but I had to take it easy for the next day or so. Unfortunately, my swollen belly continued to stick around for another few days just like the nurse said it would. Then, one day I woke up and my stomach was flat again. So weird.

We were now in the dreaded two week waiting period. For the past 18 months I was so used to waiting through these two weeks with hope and then end up being disappointed. Would this time be different? Or would I be adding yet another negative pregnancy test to my trophy case? I did my best to keep my mind off of the upcoming test date that lingered in my future. The time actually went by pretty fast and I didn't really think about it too much. I think everyone else around me was much more nervous about it than I was. The only thing I was really nervous about was that this time I was not going to be peeing on the stick, I was going in for a blood test. And if you think waiting on the pee stick for 2 minutes is nerve wracking, trying waiting all day for the office to call with the blood results. I was excited/anxious and yet dreading that day.

Finally, the testing day arrived. September 30, 2013. My blood draw took place at 7:00am, along with all the other women who went through this same IVF cycle with me. My IVF nurse informed me that she would be calling me between 12:00 and 4:00 that afternoon with the results. A four hour waiting window? This is a blood test people, not having cable installed. Oh well, I convinced myself that if I could survive the past two weeks of waiting then another couple hours wouldn't kill me. So Jared and I went home to wait it out together...thus commencing the most unproductive day ever. Both of us were too terrified to go anywhere, leave each other's side or do anything where we might miss the call or not be together when the call came in. Alas, we sat on the couch together and watched hours of television, phones in hand. I was so nervous that I was literally on the verge of vomiting the entire time.

A million thoughts kept running through my mind all day. "This is it. No, don't get your hopes up, you're just going to be disappointed. No, be positive. The doctor was very confident that this would work. But then again, he was confident that the other 4 IUIs were going to work too. Don't get too excited just yet. Don't jinx it. What do we do next? How am I going to react?"

I also knew that no matter what the results were, I was going to have some questions for the nurse that I wanted to ask. I went ahead and made two lists of questions. One list of "if it's positive" questions and one list of "if it's negative" questions. I knew that either way I was going to be so overwhelmed and emotional that there was no way I was going to be able to remember my questions or even think straight.

As the hours ticked by, I was about to loose my mind. I would think, "maybe they are saving me until the end of the list because they want to end their day on a good note". Then I would think, "maybe they are saving me until the end because it's bad news and they know that I'm going to have a lot of questions and keep them on the phone for a while". I seriously lost track of what I was thinking and how I was feeling. I originally thought that I had a "gut feeling" one way or the other, but my 3:30pm I had no idea what was going on inside me anymore.

By this point, I was on the edge of the couch. Hell I might not have even been sitting on the couch anymore, I could have possibly been levitating in thin air. I kept telling Jared, "they forgot about me, they forgot about me"! Finally, I said if they don't call by 3:45, I'm calling them. And about two minutes after those words left my mouth, at right around 3:35, I got the call.

Sorry guys, but the English major in me just can't resist this perfect opportunity for a great cliff hanger. Check out my post tomorrow evening for the results.

Fertility Journey {Egg Retrieval}

In my previous September fertility post, I shared all of the prep work that went into beginning our first IVF cycle. Now, it is time for the first of the two surgical procedures. IVF involves a two step process...Step 1: getting the eggs and fertilizing them, and then Step 2: implanting an embryo and praying that it attaches to the wall of the uterus survives.

Our egg retrieval was scheduled for 8:30 in the morning on September 11, 2013. If I remember correctly, something else really important happened around 8:30 in the morning on the 11th of September about 12 years ago. I suppose my body just couldn't possibly pass up this opportunity for dramatic irony. Luckily, this date is not in fact cursed for all eternity because my procedure turned out fine and I was excited that I had the rest of the day off of work so that I could go home and watch all the 9/11 television specials. I'm a history nerd at heart.

That morning, I arrived at the IVF center feeling hungry, bloated, uncomfortable and ready to be done with all of this. Remember, all that medication that had been pumping up my follicles for the past two weeks had left my ovaries gigantic and full of eggs. Not comfortable. I figured that once they removed all the eggs, my ovaries would go back to their normal size and the bloating would subside. I was wrong, very wrong. In fact, retrieving the eggs causes the exact opposite to happen. Fantastic.

The nurses got me all situated in the operating room, IV in place and ready for cocktails. The egg retrieval procedure required me to be under anesthesia which was totally fine with me. The less I know, the better. I feel like having someone jab a giant needle into your ovaries and suck your eggs out repeatedly one at a time is probably not something that one wants to be awake to experience.

The last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist placing the mask over my face and saying "enjoy what will hopefully be your last cocktail hour for the next 9 months". Next thing I know, I wake up in the recovery room feeling not that bad. Jared and my mom came back to recovery to hang out with me and await the results (aka: the final egg count) of the egg retrieval.

 
Only a blogger would make her husband take a picture of her with her iPhone in the recovery room literally moments after waking up. I knew I was going to blog about this process eventually, so I had to get my documentation :)

Once I was in recovery, my eggs were delivered straight to the embryologist in his lab which is literally connected to the operating room. He immediately takes a look at my eggs, counts them up and gives me the results. They we able to retrieve 21 eggs from me! That is a lot. Of course, not all 21 of those eggs are going to fertilize properly or survive, but he is going to attempt to fertilize each one and then see what happens. By the time my results are delivered to me in recovery, the embryologist is already busy at work injecting the sperm into each egg to try and begin the fertilization process.

Now, I get to go home and rest, and begin preparing my body for the next step in the procedure which will take place 5 days later, implanting one of the embryos. Upon leaving the IVF center, I felt fine. A little tired, but no pain or discomfort. This good feeling continued for the next couple hours until whatever medication they had put in my IV began to wear off.

The next morning, I woke up in serious pain feeling crampy and bloated with a weird tightness in my stomach. I took a look in the mirror and this is what I saw...

The night after my procedure, I went to bed with a flat stomach and woke up the next morning looking 4 months pregnant. Uh, this was mildly terrifying. I feel like the nurses need to redefine the term bloating here. "Bloating" is like how my stomach looks after eating one of those multi-course hibachi meals at the Japanese steakhouse. A stomach that is rock hard and looks 4 months pregnant is not what I would simply call "bloating".

The next 4 days were hellacious. This "bloated" stomach of mine was seriously cramping and hurting 24/7. I couldn't find a single comfortable position. I didn't sleep for 4 nights because I was so uncomfortable. Even if I found a comfortable position, it was only tolerable for about 15-20 minutes before I would have to try and find a new position. The nurses told me that all of this was normal. Apparently, the severity of the bloating and cramping depends on how many eggs they retrieve. The more eggs, the more invasive; therefore, more recovery and pain. I was informed that my 21 eggs were sure to bring pain and discomfort at the top of the severity threshold and they surely did.

On day 3 after my egg retrieval procedure, the doctor called to inform me that 16 of my eggs fertilized successfully and were growing as they should be. That is still a really high number and I was very excited that my eggs (now embryos) were doing well. This egg retrieval nonsense is definitely something that I only want to go through once in my life, so I needed as many of those eggs as possible to fertilize.

At this point, I was on yet another intense medication regimen. Only this time, no injections. I was taking Doxycycline (oral) twice a day, Estradiol (oral) twice a day, Medrol (oral) once a day, low dose aspirin (oral) once a day, two prenatal vitamins (oral) once a day and Crinone (neither oral, nor injection, I'll let you use your imagination on that one. Yeah, it's gross) once a day. I had to create myself a little calendar with just my medications on it to keep up with all this stuff.

I also decided that I wanted to know how much this bloated belly of mine really weighed because it felt like I was carrying around a giant weight on my stomach. I had weighed myself on the morning of my egg retrieval procedure and now, 4 days later, I was weighing 10 pounds heavier! No wonder this belly was so uncomfortable, it weighed ten whole pounds. Unfortunately, the nurse told me that this belly was probably going to still be hanging around even a few days after my embryo transfer (procedure #2). Great.

Being at work during this time was an absolute nightmare. I felt like crap, I was in constant pain and my students endlessly made fun of my belly. They kept badgering me nonstop, asking if I was pregnant, telling me I looked like a kangaroo, etc. It was very irritating. Middle schoolers are so cruel.

I was starting to think about how ironic it is that one of the side effects of IVF is this swollen, pregnant-looking belly. It forces a woman who is desperate to become pregnant to look pregnant without actually being pregnant so that people who have no manners can continuously ask that woman if she is pregnant. Oh that's healthy for a woman who is probably already feeling mentally and emotionally unstable. I seriously can't even tell you how many people came up to me during this time and asked me if I was pregnant, and I so desperately wanted to punch each one of them. Harsh, but true.

Despite the pain and emotional trauma, I had to try and stay positive. I needed to be calm and stress-free. I prayed and prayed that my little eggs were growing into strong embryos, that the upcoming embryo transfer would be successful and that I might finally have the results I had been so desperately hoping for. At this point, there was nothing more I could do. It was in God's hands now and all I could do was pray.

Coming up next post...the embryo transfer procedure and the two week waiting game.

Fertility Journey {September}

The month of September brought on a huge range of emotions for me. I was coming off of my end of summer "why the hell can't we just get pregnant" depression. I was excited and anxious for the upcoming IVF cycle because I knew that by doing this procedure our chances of conceiving would jump from about 20% to around 75%. I was also extremely nervous about what was to come. What if this IVF doesn't work? What happens next? IVF is very invasive, potentially dangerous and super expensive. It's not something that your want to put your mind, body or wallet through very many times. Here is a little background information on In Vitro Fertilization in case you aren't familiar with the process.

My September drug regimen began with two very large injections every night. One of them being a low dose of the pregnancy hormone hCG and the other being Follistim. The Follistim is nothing new for me, as I took it with each of my previous IUI procedures. However, this time I was taking a massive dose of it. The idea here is to pump up the follicles on my ovaries and get them to produce as many eggs as possible during this one cycle. Typically, a woman releases one egg per cycle. We were trying to get my body to release somewhere between 10-15 eggs at once. Pumping my ovaries up in this way comes with its fair share of risks which is why I was in the fertility doctor's office every three days for an ultrasound to make sure everything was progressing as it should.

The complication that I was most worried about was over-stimulation. This is when your ovaries become far too over stimulated due to the medication and your belly fills with fluid. If this happens, your belly grows to be about as big as someone who is full-term in pregnancy and you have to have a giant needle drain the fluid from your belly multiple times before it will go away. If this happens, you have to cancel the entire IVF cycle and it can be life-threatening to the woman. I was absolutely terrified that this was going to happen to me. Thankfully, I avoided this complication and everything went smoothly.

As the follicles on my ovaries multiplied and grew, the doctor continued to monitor me even more closely. We have to wait until the follicles get to be a certain size before they can go in and retrieve the eggs. The problem here is that once the follicles become a certain size, my body will try to release the eggs naturally. That would be bad. It would ruin our whole process and we would have to start over next month. So the key here is beating my body to the punch. Waiting long enough for them to be ready, but then getting the eggs out before my body tries to release them on its own.

As we inched closer and closer to retrieval time, I had to add another injection to my nightly shot regimen. The purpose of this medication was to prevent my body from trying to release the eggs too early. We were seriously messing with my body here...forcing it to get all these extra eggs ready and then making it hold on to them and not release them even though they are ready to ovulate. My poor body was probably like, WTF? Now, on to the Ganirelix. Thankfully, I only had to take this injection 4 times because it was horrible. The nurse warned me ahead of time that this particular shot would feel like a bee sting when I injected it. This, of course, meant nothing to me because I've never been stung by a bee so I have no idea what that feels like. Being someone who already is uneasy about shots, I should have known that this was a recipe for disaster. The first night I had to do this shot, I decided to give it to myself. I had been giving myself all of my other shots for months now, so I didn't think it was a big deal. Bad idea. I stuck the needle into my stomach, pressed the medication in and all of a sudden felt the shot singe throughout my entire body. I barely got the needle out of my stomach and onto the counter before I could no longer see what was going on. Luckily, Jared was standing right there and caught me. My stomach was burning. I don't know what a bee sting feels like, but if it feels like someone lit a match and then pressed it directly onto your skin, then yes that is what this felt like. I was putting so much pressure on the injection site, but it continued to burn. I felt extremely nauseous and light headed. I couldn't tell if I was going to throw up or pass out or both. I literally laid on the couch holding holding my stomach for the next half hour feeling like death. Luckily, I had already given myself the other two shots first because I could not have possibly tolerated any more needles for the night after that.

When it was time for my Ganirelix shot the next night, I was dreading it. I was so terrified that I was going to have the same reaction again, but it wasn't as bad that time now that I knew what to expect. The injection site stung for about 10 minutes but then it went away. I didn't feel nauseous or faint which was a definite improvement from the night before. Thankfully, I only had to do 4 of those dreaded injections, but nonetheless I survived proving once again that this infertility crap continues to make me stronger whether I like it or not.

That first weekend in September was also my last weekend of food, alcohol and caffeine freedom. I am so happy that all the breweries decided to bring out their fall beers early enough so that my last beers could be pumpkin flavored ones. I was told by my doctor that from that point on, I was on the pregnancy diet and I had to act like a pregnant woman. Let me tell you, the idea of giving up alcohol, caffeine, certain foods and exercise on nothing more concrete than the hunch that I may or may not possibly get pregnant in the next few weeks was a little daunting. At least when you know you are actually pregnant, you have some concrete motivation. I had already done the pregnancy diet four times this year (with each of my IUIs) for what turned out to be absolutely nothing. However, I had come this far and I was about to put myself through a whole heck of a lot, so I was going all in. After that doctor's appointment, I went home, drank a Diet Coke and a pumpkin beer and then never looked back. For the rest of the month of September, I never once thought about or even wanted caffeine or alcohol. I was determined and committed to doing everything in my power to make this work.

By the second week in September, the eggs were all ready to go and it appeared as though there were going to be a lot of them. I was like the Easter bunny with a basket full of eggs in my belly. At this point in the process, my ovaries were so full of medication and eggs that I felt like I was going to pop. I was super bloated and my stomach just felt full all the time. I constantly could feel my ovaries cramping up and moving around in there and I was ready for these eggs to be out. The nurse informed me that, in fact, it only gets worse once the eggs are out. Great, something to look forward to. Either way, I was ready to get this show on the road and put my eggs in the hands of the embryologist so that he could work his magic. Three very large injections stood between me and egg retrieval. Two doses of Lupron (the dosage is so large that you have to use two different syringes to get it all in) and one dose of Ovidrel was the ticket to getting my body ready to ovulate. Once I took these injections (the doctor informed me that I had to take them at the exact specified time I was assigned), I would be in the operating room exactly 35 hours later for retrieval. This game is all a matter of precise timing and if we missed our allotted retrieval window, we would have to start all over again some other time. That's not nerve-wracking or anything.

Coming up next post...the egg retrieval procedure. Do you think it's a bad omen to have surgery scheduled on a holiday that memorializes the tragic day our nation was attacked by terrorists? Let's just say, I was anything by thrilled about this unfortunate timing coincidence.

Fertility Journey {August}

Does anyone else feel like this fertility journey of mine is never-ending? Trust me y'all, that's exactly how I felt majority of this time too. August was still part of our "fertility treatment down time" as my body was trying to rid itself from the estrogen-producing cyst that made it's debut at the end of June. Rude.

The entire month of July was medication free, but in August the doctor informed me that I was going to start a medication to help my body prepare for our scheduled September IVF cycle. Oh starting medication already? Yes! Progress! And yet, not what I expected...but, birth control. Wait, what?!!! Seriously, birth control pills? Isn't that like the complete opposite of what we are trying to do here? At first, I thought my fertility doctor was insane. All this time we have been trying to get pregnant and now he wants me to take pills that will prevent me from getting pregnant? This just didn't make any sense. I was starting to think that this doctor was a nut-job. Then again, who am I to judge? This man has managed to "conceive" over 5,000 babies and I can't manage to conceive one...I better take his advice.

Come to find out, birth control pills actually do serve a vital purpose in the IVF process. Could have fooled me. Warning: the medical explanation I am about to give is probably not even remotely close to accurate (remember, I was an English major y'all), but this is how I understood it as it was explained to me. My body has problems cycling properly when it is not being controlled by medication (such as birth control pills or fertility treatment hormones). Alas, the reason we could not get pregnant on our own. Reason #1 for the BC pills was to help my body get on a regular cycle before we began the IVF procedure. In addition, I had this estrogen-producing cyst that was causing the estrogen levels in my body to escalate to very high levels which is not good for starting an IVF cycle. Before you begin an IVF cycle, they want your hormone levels to be very low. This is because they are about to pump you up full of hormones, so they want to start out at ground zero and build up from there. Pumping your body full of hormones when your hormone levels are already fairly high is very dangerous. Therefore, reason #2 for the BC pills was to get my hormone levels down nice and low. We used the BC pills almost like a hormone cleanse to get my body all cleaned out and ready to start fresh with new hormones. And it totally worked.

Well that was a poor explanation on my part, but once it was explained to me by the doctor it seemed logical enough so I jumped on board. I religiously took my birth control pills for the month of August and enjoyed what I was hoping would be my final month of alcohol/caffeine/exercise freedom. A new school year had also started by this point which I was less than excited about, but I was confident that we were going to get pregnant this year and that this would be the last school year I would have to worry about for a while.

At the end of the month, we went back to the doctor for a baseline scan. The baseline scan is an ultrasound that they do before you begin the medications to make sure there are no cysts or complications that could prevent you from successfully beginning the cycle. I was so nervous for this appointment. I had this exact same appointment back in June, which was when I received the devastating news that we would have to postpone our IVF cycle to September due to that evil estrogen-producing cyst. Here I was again at a crossroads. Either everything would be fine and I would start my IVF medications in preparation for the September cycle, or that pesky cyst would still be there crushing my dreams.

Luckily, when we went in for the scan the cyst appeared to be gone and my hormone levels were exactly where they should be. Hooray! We were finally ready to begin our IVF cycle!!!! It was time to prepare myself for what was to come over the next month, a lot of pain and discomfort, and a multitude of large injections everyday. I was ready and I didn't care how bad/painful/uncomfortable it was going to be, I was determined to do whatever I could to make this work. Here goes nothing!

The "September" fertility journey post is going to be split up into multiple posts. I want to share each and every step of the IVF cycle and there is so much information to share, it would be way too overwhelming for one post. If you thought that things have been intense and emotional up to this point, just wait till you see what happens next. IVF is not for the weak or faint-hearted, that's for sure.

Fertility Journey {July}

As the month of June came to a close, I was depressed. Literally. I was devastated that we had to cancel our IVF cycle that was originally scheduled for July. I had been so looking forward to July and now I didn't know what the heck I was going to do with myself all month. The doctor told us that due to the cyst, we would not be able to reschedule our IVF cycle until September. What?! September?!!! That was two months away and I was pissed, to say the least.

The doctor ordered that I was to completely go off of all my medications for the entire month of July and let my body sort of cleanse itself from all those hormones. The bad news was that we would be making absolutely zero progress in the pregnancy department this month which had me annoyed. The good news...I could do whatever I wanted. When going through one of these treatment cycles I am not allowed to exercise or be out in the heat, I have to cut back on my caffeine and cut out alcohol completely during certain times. So I decided to take the high road and make the most of my month off. A month full of laying in the sun on the beach with my cooler full of beer was not seeming like such a terrible way to have to cope with this minor set back. I was ready to take full advantage of doing all the things I haven't been able to do for the past 6 months, and some running, sun bathing and Sam Adams Summer Ale sounded like the perfect way to cleanse my body of my fertility hormones.

At the beginning of July, I was still trying to get over the initial anger and disappointment of having to cancel our IVF cycle. So Jared and I decided to take a little trip up to his family cabin in North Carolina. Far away from cell phone signals, Facebook, TV and anything that would remind me of my fertility treatments or stress at home. This trip was exactly what I needed to relax and recover from the past 6 months of fertility treatment hell. I was most excited about all the things I was able to do that I would have normally been putting on hold during fertility treatments. We spent 4 days enjoying the mountains, hiking, and trying local breweries. You can read about my trip here: North Carolina {Day 1}, North Carolina {Day 2}, North Carolina {Day 3}, North Carolina {Day 4}

We hiked trails, rivers, and waterfalls all over the Great Smoky Mountain National Park, including one of my life bucket list items, the Appalachian Trail! We would end each day swinging together on the front porch of the cabin enjoying a local brew, feeling blessed that maybe God forced this "break" in fertility treatments upon us for a reason. 

I decided that if I was going to survive this month at home alone (during the day) everyday and try to not think about my fertility issues 24/7, that I better pour all my energy and stress into some activity. I have always wanted to run a 5k, but I have never been a runner. Every time I have tried to achieve this goal (another bucket list item of mine) I would just end up realizing how badly I suck at running and quit 2 weeks in. July finally presented itself as the perfect opportunity for me to learn how to run. Once I started fertility treatments again I wasn't going to be allowed to run, once I got pregnant I wasn't going to be allowed to run and once I actually had the kid I probably wouldn't have the time or energy to want to run. I saw my goal being pushed years and years into the future and possibly never actually happening, so I decided that this was the time. God granted me all this free time with no physical restrictions for an entire month, so I better take advantage of this opportunity. 

This ended up being a great idea. I ran every morning Monday-Friday for the entire month of July. I started off barely being able to run at all, mostly walking and jogging a few short intervals. This was the best therapy for my situation. At that time, I wasn't really talking about or blogging about my fertility treatments so I had no way to expel all the stress and anger I had built up inside of me over the months. I found that in running. As the month went on, I was able to run for longer intervals and it was just getting easier. When I would start to get tired, I would just keep telling myself to go a little further. I kept saying to myself, if you can endure month after month of those fertility treatments, you can run this extra quarter mile. As I kept that mentality everyday, my runs got faster and my distance longer. 

As race day neared, my ultimate goal was to run the entire 5k race without stopping or walking. I didn't care how fast I ran the race, I just wanted to RUN the entire distance. You can read about my race day experience here: My First 5k

I did run that entire race, keeping in mind the entire time that it might be years before I have the opportunity to do this again and that if I can overcome all this fertility crap then I can finish this race. I RAN that race in 36:15, never stopping or walking. I was proud of myself and had a renewed sense of determination to fight on and not let my fertility issues ruin my life. 

So although we made no progress as far as fertility and getting pregnant during the month of July, I made a lot of personal progress toward getting myself healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. 

Fertility Journey {June}

The month of June took quite a toll on me mentally and emotionally. The end of the school year was upon me and I was very upset that we were still not pregnant. Our plan has always been that once we have our first kid, I will become a stay at home mom. Therefore, I had been thinking all along that we were going to get pregnant during this past school year and that it would be my last year teaching for a while. Well, now it was June and we still weren't pregnant which meant that I would probably be returning in August for another school year which I was anything but thrilled about. Let me tell you, being around kids all day long is not mentally healthy for someone who is experiencing what I am going through. Especially when those same kids do not have the kind of support at home that I know I would provide for my own child, if only I could be blessed with one. It literally tears me up inside every single day that I am at work. In addition to feeling unsure about work, Jared was out of the country for 9 days in South America, my mother-in-law had knee surgery and needed to be cared for, and at the end of the month we would receive devastating news about our fertility treatments. Get ready, June was a roller-coaster ride of emotions to say the least.

School ended and I tried to forget about my uneasiness in that department, figuring that I would deal with that when August rolled around. Jared was out of the country and I was trying to cope with my most recent negative pregnancy test. Jared's mom went in for knee surgery and ended up having to stay with us for over two weeks. I believe that her surgery ended up being my saving grace during this month. Acting as her caregiver, gave me a new sense of purpose. I was concerned with her pain and comfort 24/7 instead of my own, what a blessing in disguise. Having her around not only brought us closer, but it kept me entertained and distracted from constantly thinking about my fertility problems.

This month brought a lot of prep work that needed to be done so we would be ready for our July IVF cycle. First on the agenda was genetic testing. The doctor wants to make sure that I don't carry genes for any types of genetic diseases that I could pass on to one of my embryos. This was a very interesting process. All I had to do was spit into this special tube and mail it off to a lab. I couldn't believe that they can figure out if I carry a gene for a genetic disease through my spit. Fascinating. I must admit that waiting for the results of this test was very nerve-wracking. However, everything checked out great and I am not a carrier for anything! Things were finally starting to look up and I was already feeling more positive.

Next, I had to do a full blood panel to check for all kinds of blood-borne pathogens and diseases that I could pass on to my embryos. At first, this was a disaster and I had to go through the run-around with LabCorp. I had to do my test on a specific date and LabCorp was anything but helpful. They didn't take my insurance and didn't inform me of this until I was already there, they were rude and inconsiderate and I almost had an emotional breakdown in the middle of their waiting room. They sent me over the Quest Diagnostics, who only had one office open that day (it was a Saturday) and it was on the other side of town. My mother-in-law was still in the hospital at this point, having had her surgery the day before and I was feeling super stressed out. Of course I didn't have an appointment because I had no clue I would be going to Quest, so I had to join the line of about 25 people in their waiting room. Plus, I was anxious about having to get my blood drawn and Jared was on an international flight at the same time so I was just a basket case. Luckily, Quest was awesome. They were fast, compassionate and had great customer service. The nurse got my blood on the first poke (thank God) and then had to draw 7 viles of blood. Seven! I started feeling light headed and nauseous, but she took care of me and made sure that I was ok before she moved on to her next patient. Quest Diagnostics gets a huge thumbs up in my book. Thankfully, all my blood work came back fine so I was ready to move on to the next step.

We also had to do a "trial transfer" this month which is where the doctor essentially does a practice round of the IVF implantation before the real thing. It's really easy and painless and helps the doctor make sure that they are able to get the catheter (which will have the embryo in it) into the right place in order to implant it properly. They want to make sure that doing this procedure is actually going to be possible before they get your body all medicated and ready to go for the real thing. In doing a trial transfer, they insert the catheter into the uterus and watch it on the ultrasound screen. They inject dye into the catheter where the embryo would be and then watch to make sure that it goes to the right place via the ultrasound. The trial transfer went great and I liked having peace of mind that when it came down to putting the real embryo in I knew we wouldn't have any issues.

Another thing I had to do this month was more injections. It is important to get my body neutralized before we begin IVF. They want my estrogen levels as low as possible before starting the IVF medication. Therefore, I had to use Lupron injections to depress the hormone levels in my body. These were unlike other injections I had done before because they were not pre-filled or in an injection pen. We would have to draw out the correct dose ourselves and then inject it properly. This was all well and good until I had to go out of town for a long weekend without Jared. That meant I would have to learn how to give the injections to myself. I was terrified. Although I had come a long way, I still did not like needles and the thought of having to stab myself was nauseating. However, there was no other option. I had to do it myself. The first time I had to do it, I drank an entire glass of wine to calm myself down before doing it and it totally worked. Once I had done it one time and overcome that fear, I was fine. From that moment on, I did all of my injections myself. Another proud moment. Another form of adversity that I have overcome through this process.

At this point everything was looking up. I was feeling more positive, proud of myself, confident, and hopeful for the IVF procedure that lie ahead of us. I had come a long way and I was finally feeling good about everything.

I received all of my IVF medication in the mail and was ready to go. Here is was $4,000 worth of IVF medication looks like. Thanks to our insurance we only had to pay 10% of that amount, but I was still shocked when I saw the bill. I also couldn't believe that within only a 2 week period, I was going to be taking all of this medication.

We had one last thing to do before we could begin the IVF cycle medications, a baseline scan. The baseline scan is an ultrasound that they do before you begin the medications to make sure there are no cysts or complications that could prevent you from successfully beginning the cycle. I went in for my scan at the end of June and we were scheduled to start the IVF medications a few days later. They did the scan and didn't see anything that looked suspect. They did a blood draw as well to check my hormone levels. It is important that my hormone levels are very low before they begin pumping all that medication into me.

Later that afternoon, I got a phone call. The nurse was shocked that my hormone levels were more than 4 times what they should be. She said I would need to come back the next day for a re-scan and another blood draw to see what was going on. She said that unless my hormone levels came down, I would not be allowed to start my IVF medication. I was distraught, but still trying to be hopeful that this was just a fluke and that a re-draw would show that everything was ok.

I went back the next day for another ultrasound and blood draw. As I lay there on the table looking at the ultrasound screen (which I have become quite good at reading I must say), they moved around trying to see if there was anything hiding behind my bladder or my ovaries. Finally, I saw it. A gigantic black mass that appeared to be about the size of a softball. What was it? An estrogen producing cyst. In my mind, this was a nuclear bomb that had just exploded on my IVF cycle. The blood results confirmed that my hormone levels had continued to climb even higher and that this cyst was growing and producing more estrogen as we speak. This meant one thing to me. No IVF cycle. I was absolutely devastated.

I was going to have to go off of all medications and wait until the cyst disappeared before we could do any further treatments. I was heart-broken, crushed, devastated, hopeless and so much more. I didn't know what to do or how to feel. Thankfully, this happened over the summer when I didn't have to go to work or worry about any of that. I wanted desperately to know what was going to happen next and when could we move forward. But all I could do was wait. The last thing a person who has been trying to conceive for 15 months wants to do is wait, but that was my only option.

Fertility Journey {May}

First of all, I want to thank everyone who is reading all of these blog posts about my fertility journey. Writing about our struggles has been very helpful to me during this process, and hopefully it is helping someone else out there too. I have been receiving so many positive comments and messages from my posts and I thank you all so much for your support. Fertility treatments are becoming a reality for a rising number of couples in this country. In fact, the Today Show did a whole segment on it yesterday which included a live IVF procedure on television. I'm so glad that it seems like the awareness of infertility is increasing everyday. I know what it's like to feel like I'm the only person who is struggling with this, to feel like silence is the best option. However, I have learned that silence is not the best option (for me at least). I always thought that if I talked about my fertility problems that people wouldn't care, or think it was gross, or judge me, or that I would feel embarrassed. Yet, I have experienced the complete opposite since I "went public" with my struggles. People do care, people want to pray for you, and people are actually really interested in learning about the process. I will admit that it is a pretty fascinating process. Plus, I figure that having every person I know praying for me is a heck of a lot better than just Jared and I praying all alone.

In case you need to catch up on our fertility journey, here are the previous posts...Our Secret, Our Fertility Journey, Jan-Feb, March, April. 

The month of May was a very important month in our fertility journey. We had come to a crossroads. After 3 unsuccessful treatments, we had a decision to make. Do we try one more IUI? Do we move on to IVF? Do we take a break from treatments altogether? A part of me did want to give up and just quit this whole thing. I was getting sick and tired of my entire life revolving around fertility treatments. Everything I did was centered around doctor's appointments, injections and doing whatever it took to make the follicles on my ovaries grow. It was exhausting. Plus, I was struggling with work, my emotions, my hormones, and my mental stability. How much longer could I really stand to put myself through this? We ultimately decided that quitting the treatments was the wrong choice. Sitting at home being idle and unaware of what my body was doing was not going to make this any better. I would think back to all those months pre-treatment when I had absolutely no hope at all, and remind myself that I just had to keep moving forward.

Option #2 was to move on to IVF. I was afraid to start an IVF cycle with a month still left in the school year because I had heard the horror stories of what IVF does to your body and how it makes you feel (now having done an IVF procedure recently, I can verify that they were completely accurate about that). Plus, there is a lot of pre-IVF stuff that you have to get done so it is unrealistic to just jump into an IVF cycle at the last minute.

Ultimately, we went with option #3 and tried one more IUI cycle. Jared was hopeful, our moms were hopeful, the doctor and nurses were hopeful. I think everyone around me truly believed that this IUI was going to work, except me. Call it woman's intuition or whatever you want, but I knew this was just another dead end. I started the cycle anyways, secretly hoping that maybe I would be pleasantly surprised by the outcome. The daily injections started once again and had now become what we considered normal in our house. Just part of our evening routine...feed the dogs, eat dinner, do my injections, watch TV and go to bed. I feel like we were now IUI pros. I did my injections every night like a champ, got my blood drawn 2-3 times a week like a champ and went through yet another very painful IUI procedure like a champ. I was so over this whole process, but I was very proud of how far I had come.

The two week wait commenced and in the mean time, we had a re-consult with our doctor. We needed to make a plan for what our next move was going to be in case this IUI didn't work. We decided that our next move (if necessary) would be IVF. Jared kept saying, "well this one is going to work so we won't be needing IVF, but we might as well have a back-up plan"; whereas, I kept thinking, "go ahead and put us on the schedule because we'll be doing IVF". It's a good thing that Jared has enough positive attitude and optimism for the both of us because Lord knows I was quickly becoming the Debbie Downer of the century.

When the pregnancy test showed me yet another negative, I got myself mentally prepared for what I knew would be a challenging journey with IVF. I was terrified because IVF is so invasive, yet excited because the probability of it actually working is so much higher than with an IUI. We had a whole month (June) of pre-IVF prep ahead of us and the actual IVF scheduled for the beginning of July. I was excited that the school year was drawing to a close and that I would have all summer to give my body the best chance at a successful IVF cycle. And so the journey continues.