Exactly one year ago today, the embryo that was Peyton was implanted into my uterus during what they call the IVF "transfer". Jared and I watched on the ultrasound screen as our fertility doctor carefully and strategically placed the embryo inside my uterus. I remember lying there in the operating room watching it happen and thinking about what it would be like if this actually worked. What if this particular embryo was the one? What if I literally just watched my baby being conceived right before my eyes? Have I just experienced the moment in which my life is changed forever?
I was also terrified. What if this didn't work? What next? Luckily, that IVF transfer was successful and we now have a beautiful baby girl to show for it. Read my blog post from last year about my IVF experience here.
Now, it's one year later and how do I feel about the whole thing? Going through IVF (if it is successful) is like having natural childbirth (which I also successfully did). At the time, it's the absolute worst physical and emotional pain you have ever experienced. You doubt yourself and if it's really worth it. You want it to be over and you never want to do it again. Ever. You wonder why the hell you did this in the first place. You want to cry. You want to quit. You want to give up. But you don't. And when it's over, you are overjoyed and pretty damn proud of yourself. You have received the most wonderful and precious gift of all. And right there in that exact moment, it's all worth it. After it's all over, you have this surreal sort of amnesia. You start to feel crazy enough to actually consider doing it all over again. Would I do natural childbirth all over again? Yes. Would I do IVF all over again? If necessary, yes. I want Peyton to have siblings, so if IVF is the only way I can make that happen then I will sacrifice myself and do it all over again.
The difference between the pain of childbirth and the pain of IVF is the immediate results. Going into childbirth, you know that the instant it is over with, you will have a beautiful and wonderful gift in your arms. (Except in some unforeseen circumstances of course) With IVF, you experience it all, the pain and the heartache, and then you have to wait for 2 weeks for the possibility of maybe something or maybe nothing.
I have never experienced anything quite like the waiting room at the fertility clinic. Here you have a room filled with perfectly healthy people, some full of hope, but most full of despair. They are risking it all, their own health, their life savings, their sanity. Just to have a chance. A chance at the possibility of a maybe. Just a maybe.
For the first time ever, I watched an episode of that MTV show, "16 and Pregnant" the other day. Bad idea. I had to turn it off. I almost threw up. As I watched this 16 year old girl struggling to survive and talking about her ruined life, I couldn't help but think about all those people in the waiting room at the fertility clinic. All those wonderful people who would make amazing parents, who would give anything to have what that girl who never even asked for it has. Moral of the story, if you have fertility problems...don't ever watch "16 and Pregnant".
Every morning, I go to wake Peyton up and I watch her. I think to myself about how blessed we truly are. I think about those people in the waiting room of the fertility clinic who are still waiting. I think about the people I know, and don't know, who want so desperately to have children and cannot. I wonder why IVF worked for us, and not for others. I still don't know why God chose to bless us with Peyton, and yet keeps others waiting.
I mostly think about a message that our pastor talked about a few weeks ago regarding why God allows there to be pain in the world. He talked about how God sometimes uses the bad things in our lives as an opportunity for us to draw closer to Him. Whether we actually decide to do so or not is completely up to us of course. Prior to going through IVF, I probably would have thought that was a completely ridiculous idea. However, I now realize that for me at least, that was so true. During the first part of our fertility struggles, I spent all my time blaming God. Being mad at Him for not giving me what I wanted or answering my prayers. I blamed Him for my infertility. I knew that getting pregnant was totally in His hands so if it's not working, then He must be punishing me. After months of essentially being pissed at God, I decided to change my tune right before our IVF cycle. Instead of blaming Him, I went to Him and gave all my pain and suffering over to Him. I strengthened my faith in Him, drew closer to Him, and let go of everything else. Believe what you will, but it was the IVF cycle that immediately followed that change in my life that we were blessed with Peyton. Did He put infertility in my life to bring me closer to Him? Maybe. I'll never know. But either way, I'm glad I decided to renew my faith in Him in that way because it has made a huge difference in so many areas of my life.
So one year later, I feel grateful. Grateful for Peyton. Grateful for my faith. Grateful for the opportunity to have had that IVF procedure. And as I take the time to thank God for those things, I will also say a prayer for everyone out there who is still waiting. The wait is treacherous, but the reward is so worth it. Don't give up. God has a far better plan for your life than you ever could have imagined for yourself.
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