Beyond Friendship

God puts certain people in our lives for a reason. I have always known that I have great friends. I love them and I would do anything for them. This is a simple realization when you are typically the "strong" one. I've pretty much always had it together (or at least that's how I portrayed myself to others), been the responsible one, with what seemed like everything going for me. In college, I was like the mom (it comes with the territory of being a sorority President) always taking care of the other sisters, helping them, talking to them about their problems, being a role model for younger sisters. Now that we have grown up, our needs as a friend have changed. In college, I used to be there for my friends by picking them up from the bar when they needed a safe ride home or laying on the couch with them eating cheez-its and watching trashy TV when their boyfriend was being a jerk. As an adult, I am there for my friends in a different way. Whether it's giving them advice about marriage or helping them look for a new job, proofreading their resume or holding their hand at a family member's funeral, I always want to be there in any way possible. In return, my friends have always been there for me, in my wedding, sending cards to each other for various occasions, taking trips together, basic friend-stuff. I never fully realized how much they had my back until I really needed them. Over the past year and a half, I have come to appreciate how truly precious my friends are.

Good friends are different from family. Not to say that my family is nothing special or important in my life because they absolutely are. But friends are different. Sometimes your family is too close to a situation or too involved. Often times, you need a person from the outside to give you a fresh perspective, or just to listen to you vent. Your friends are there for you because they want to be. They chose you as a friend, treated you like their own family and have chosen to stay by your side even though they had ample opportunity to leave.

To this day, the whole concept behind sororities still blows my mind. On Bid Day, you show up at a house with 60+ other girls from all over the country who you have never met. Inside that house, there is another 150+ girls whom you have also never met from all different walks of life. Four years later, you leave that house with some of the best, lifelong friends you ever could have wished for. How does it all work? I know, you're thinking 200+ women in one house, what a nightmare. But it all seems to work, and I have no clue how. When I went through recruitment, there were 15 houses on FSU's campus (now there are more). Why did I end up at Phi Mu? Who knew that there were girls in that house (or who would come to join that house in the future) who would shape me into the woman I am today? Who knew that some of my closest and dearest friends would eventually show up on the lawn at 823 West Jefferson Street too? I have no explanation for it. The only thing I can figure is that God intervened. He put me on that lawn on that rainy August day in 2005 and He brought the other women I needed in my life to that same lawn on that day and the years that followed. He brought us together for a very specific reason and it wasn't until very recently that I truly understood why.  

On the day I found out about my father's death, I called my closest friends and my sorority family first. They sobbed on the phone with me, offering their condolences and anything they could do to help. Many of them drove for hours or even flew from out of state during the middle of the week, just to be there for me at the funeral. For months afterward, they sent cards and flowers just to say, "I love you and I'm thinking about you". Even a year later, on the anniversary of my father's death, my friends secretly sent flowers to his grave.

Now that we have been going through all these fertility treatments, my friends have been there supporting us each step of the way. Cheering me on with each small victory, and offering inspiration when things aren't going so well. Every day I get messages, texts, and cards in the mail full of encouraging words and prayers from my friends giving me the strength I need to continue on this journey. They always have my best interest at heart and sometimes can offer an outside and unbiased perspective that I desperately need to hear. Each day I thank God for placing each one of these people in my life.

I'm pretty sure that once we find out that we are in fact pregnant (whenever that may be), I honestly think that my friends will be more excited than I am going to be. And let's just say that I am going to be pretty freakin' excited. Even though Jared and I are technically the only two people (well and the fertility doctor/nurses) who are physically involved in conceiving this baby, all of our friends and family are just as much a part of this miracle as we are. They are so emotionally invested in this and I know that there is no way we would be able to do this without them. Team Baby Roche is unstoppable.

This post comes at a time when I am feeling so blessed and overwhelmed with love and support from my friends. What they have offered to me is something far beyond friendship. Thank you to all my friends who have been supporting me over the past year and half. You have no idea how much I appreciate all that you do for me and know that every message, card and prayer truly warms my heart. I love you all very much and I thank God for you everyday.

Fertility Journey {June}

The month of June took quite a toll on me mentally and emotionally. The end of the school year was upon me and I was very upset that we were still not pregnant. Our plan has always been that once we have our first kid, I will become a stay at home mom. Therefore, I had been thinking all along that we were going to get pregnant during this past school year and that it would be my last year teaching for a while. Well, now it was June and we still weren't pregnant which meant that I would probably be returning in August for another school year which I was anything but thrilled about. Let me tell you, being around kids all day long is not mentally healthy for someone who is experiencing what I am going through. Especially when those same kids do not have the kind of support at home that I know I would provide for my own child, if only I could be blessed with one. It literally tears me up inside every single day that I am at work. In addition to feeling unsure about work, Jared was out of the country for 9 days in South America, my mother-in-law had knee surgery and needed to be cared for, and at the end of the month we would receive devastating news about our fertility treatments. Get ready, June was a roller-coaster ride of emotions to say the least.

School ended and I tried to forget about my uneasiness in that department, figuring that I would deal with that when August rolled around. Jared was out of the country and I was trying to cope with my most recent negative pregnancy test. Jared's mom went in for knee surgery and ended up having to stay with us for over two weeks. I believe that her surgery ended up being my saving grace during this month. Acting as her caregiver, gave me a new sense of purpose. I was concerned with her pain and comfort 24/7 instead of my own, what a blessing in disguise. Having her around not only brought us closer, but it kept me entertained and distracted from constantly thinking about my fertility problems.

This month brought a lot of prep work that needed to be done so we would be ready for our July IVF cycle. First on the agenda was genetic testing. The doctor wants to make sure that I don't carry genes for any types of genetic diseases that I could pass on to one of my embryos. This was a very interesting process. All I had to do was spit into this special tube and mail it off to a lab. I couldn't believe that they can figure out if I carry a gene for a genetic disease through my spit. Fascinating. I must admit that waiting for the results of this test was very nerve-wracking. However, everything checked out great and I am not a carrier for anything! Things were finally starting to look up and I was already feeling more positive.

Next, I had to do a full blood panel to check for all kinds of blood-borne pathogens and diseases that I could pass on to my embryos. At first, this was a disaster and I had to go through the run-around with LabCorp. I had to do my test on a specific date and LabCorp was anything but helpful. They didn't take my insurance and didn't inform me of this until I was already there, they were rude and inconsiderate and I almost had an emotional breakdown in the middle of their waiting room. They sent me over the Quest Diagnostics, who only had one office open that day (it was a Saturday) and it was on the other side of town. My mother-in-law was still in the hospital at this point, having had her surgery the day before and I was feeling super stressed out. Of course I didn't have an appointment because I had no clue I would be going to Quest, so I had to join the line of about 25 people in their waiting room. Plus, I was anxious about having to get my blood drawn and Jared was on an international flight at the same time so I was just a basket case. Luckily, Quest was awesome. They were fast, compassionate and had great customer service. The nurse got my blood on the first poke (thank God) and then had to draw 7 viles of blood. Seven! I started feeling light headed and nauseous, but she took care of me and made sure that I was ok before she moved on to her next patient. Quest Diagnostics gets a huge thumbs up in my book. Thankfully, all my blood work came back fine so I was ready to move on to the next step.

We also had to do a "trial transfer" this month which is where the doctor essentially does a practice round of the IVF implantation before the real thing. It's really easy and painless and helps the doctor make sure that they are able to get the catheter (which will have the embryo in it) into the right place in order to implant it properly. They want to make sure that doing this procedure is actually going to be possible before they get your body all medicated and ready to go for the real thing. In doing a trial transfer, they insert the catheter into the uterus and watch it on the ultrasound screen. They inject dye into the catheter where the embryo would be and then watch to make sure that it goes to the right place via the ultrasound. The trial transfer went great and I liked having peace of mind that when it came down to putting the real embryo in I knew we wouldn't have any issues.

Another thing I had to do this month was more injections. It is important to get my body neutralized before we begin IVF. They want my estrogen levels as low as possible before starting the IVF medication. Therefore, I had to use Lupron injections to depress the hormone levels in my body. These were unlike other injections I had done before because they were not pre-filled or in an injection pen. We would have to draw out the correct dose ourselves and then inject it properly. This was all well and good until I had to go out of town for a long weekend without Jared. That meant I would have to learn how to give the injections to myself. I was terrified. Although I had come a long way, I still did not like needles and the thought of having to stab myself was nauseating. However, there was no other option. I had to do it myself. The first time I had to do it, I drank an entire glass of wine to calm myself down before doing it and it totally worked. Once I had done it one time and overcome that fear, I was fine. From that moment on, I did all of my injections myself. Another proud moment. Another form of adversity that I have overcome through this process.

At this point everything was looking up. I was feeling more positive, proud of myself, confident, and hopeful for the IVF procedure that lie ahead of us. I had come a long way and I was finally feeling good about everything.

I received all of my IVF medication in the mail and was ready to go. Here is was $4,000 worth of IVF medication looks like. Thanks to our insurance we only had to pay 10% of that amount, but I was still shocked when I saw the bill. I also couldn't believe that within only a 2 week period, I was going to be taking all of this medication.

We had one last thing to do before we could begin the IVF cycle medications, a baseline scan. The baseline scan is an ultrasound that they do before you begin the medications to make sure there are no cysts or complications that could prevent you from successfully beginning the cycle. I went in for my scan at the end of June and we were scheduled to start the IVF medications a few days later. They did the scan and didn't see anything that looked suspect. They did a blood draw as well to check my hormone levels. It is important that my hormone levels are very low before they begin pumping all that medication into me.

Later that afternoon, I got a phone call. The nurse was shocked that my hormone levels were more than 4 times what they should be. She said I would need to come back the next day for a re-scan and another blood draw to see what was going on. She said that unless my hormone levels came down, I would not be allowed to start my IVF medication. I was distraught, but still trying to be hopeful that this was just a fluke and that a re-draw would show that everything was ok.

I went back the next day for another ultrasound and blood draw. As I lay there on the table looking at the ultrasound screen (which I have become quite good at reading I must say), they moved around trying to see if there was anything hiding behind my bladder or my ovaries. Finally, I saw it. A gigantic black mass that appeared to be about the size of a softball. What was it? An estrogen producing cyst. In my mind, this was a nuclear bomb that had just exploded on my IVF cycle. The blood results confirmed that my hormone levels had continued to climb even higher and that this cyst was growing and producing more estrogen as we speak. This meant one thing to me. No IVF cycle. I was absolutely devastated.

I was going to have to go off of all medications and wait until the cyst disappeared before we could do any further treatments. I was heart-broken, crushed, devastated, hopeless and so much more. I didn't know what to do or how to feel. Thankfully, this happened over the summer when I didn't have to go to work or worry about any of that. I wanted desperately to know what was going to happen next and when could we move forward. But all I could do was wait. The last thing a person who has been trying to conceive for 15 months wants to do is wait, but that was my only option.

Fertility Journey {May}

First of all, I want to thank everyone who is reading all of these blog posts about my fertility journey. Writing about our struggles has been very helpful to me during this process, and hopefully it is helping someone else out there too. I have been receiving so many positive comments and messages from my posts and I thank you all so much for your support. Fertility treatments are becoming a reality for a rising number of couples in this country. In fact, the Today Show did a whole segment on it yesterday which included a live IVF procedure on television. I'm so glad that it seems like the awareness of infertility is increasing everyday. I know what it's like to feel like I'm the only person who is struggling with this, to feel like silence is the best option. However, I have learned that silence is not the best option (for me at least). I always thought that if I talked about my fertility problems that people wouldn't care, or think it was gross, or judge me, or that I would feel embarrassed. Yet, I have experienced the complete opposite since I "went public" with my struggles. People do care, people want to pray for you, and people are actually really interested in learning about the process. I will admit that it is a pretty fascinating process. Plus, I figure that having every person I know praying for me is a heck of a lot better than just Jared and I praying all alone.

In case you need to catch up on our fertility journey, here are the previous posts...Our Secret, Our Fertility Journey, Jan-Feb, March, April. 

The month of May was a very important month in our fertility journey. We had come to a crossroads. After 3 unsuccessful treatments, we had a decision to make. Do we try one more IUI? Do we move on to IVF? Do we take a break from treatments altogether? A part of me did want to give up and just quit this whole thing. I was getting sick and tired of my entire life revolving around fertility treatments. Everything I did was centered around doctor's appointments, injections and doing whatever it took to make the follicles on my ovaries grow. It was exhausting. Plus, I was struggling with work, my emotions, my hormones, and my mental stability. How much longer could I really stand to put myself through this? We ultimately decided that quitting the treatments was the wrong choice. Sitting at home being idle and unaware of what my body was doing was not going to make this any better. I would think back to all those months pre-treatment when I had absolutely no hope at all, and remind myself that I just had to keep moving forward.

Option #2 was to move on to IVF. I was afraid to start an IVF cycle with a month still left in the school year because I had heard the horror stories of what IVF does to your body and how it makes you feel (now having done an IVF procedure recently, I can verify that they were completely accurate about that). Plus, there is a lot of pre-IVF stuff that you have to get done so it is unrealistic to just jump into an IVF cycle at the last minute.

Ultimately, we went with option #3 and tried one more IUI cycle. Jared was hopeful, our moms were hopeful, the doctor and nurses were hopeful. I think everyone around me truly believed that this IUI was going to work, except me. Call it woman's intuition or whatever you want, but I knew this was just another dead end. I started the cycle anyways, secretly hoping that maybe I would be pleasantly surprised by the outcome. The daily injections started once again and had now become what we considered normal in our house. Just part of our evening routine...feed the dogs, eat dinner, do my injections, watch TV and go to bed. I feel like we were now IUI pros. I did my injections every night like a champ, got my blood drawn 2-3 times a week like a champ and went through yet another very painful IUI procedure like a champ. I was so over this whole process, but I was very proud of how far I had come.

The two week wait commenced and in the mean time, we had a re-consult with our doctor. We needed to make a plan for what our next move was going to be in case this IUI didn't work. We decided that our next move (if necessary) would be IVF. Jared kept saying, "well this one is going to work so we won't be needing IVF, but we might as well have a back-up plan"; whereas, I kept thinking, "go ahead and put us on the schedule because we'll be doing IVF". It's a good thing that Jared has enough positive attitude and optimism for the both of us because Lord knows I was quickly becoming the Debbie Downer of the century.

When the pregnancy test showed me yet another negative, I got myself mentally prepared for what I knew would be a challenging journey with IVF. I was terrified because IVF is so invasive, yet excited because the probability of it actually working is so much higher than with an IUI. We had a whole month (June) of pre-IVF prep ahead of us and the actual IVF scheduled for the beginning of July. I was excited that the school year was drawing to a close and that I would have all summer to give my body the best chance at a successful IVF cycle. And so the journey continues.      

BBQ Pulled Pork

Fall is my favorite time of year to bust out the Crock-Pot. Technically, I use my Crock-Pot all year round, but there are a lot of good Crock-Pot recipes that just seem to complement fall and football season perfectly. This past Sunday, I decided that I wanted to try my cooking skills at making BBQ pulled pork on my own. Jared is usually in charge of the cooking when it comes to large hunks of meat. However, it's usually pretty difficult to mess something up in the Crock-Pot so I figured that this would be a safe bet. It ended up being super easy and very delicious. Plus, it made for some leftovers which means one less day I have to cook dinner, yay! Try out my recipe for your next tailgate!

This recipe made about 5-6 servings of pulled pork. Here is what you will need...

2-3 lbs. Pork Tenderloin

2 bottles of the BBQ sauce of your choice

1.5 Sweet Onions

1.5 (12oz.) cans of beer

Brown Sugar

Ground Pepper

Garlic Powder 

Crock-Pot

Step 1: Chop the onions into large chunks and line the bottom of the Crock-Pot with onion. Make sure you have a fairly thick bed of onions that cover the entire bottom of the Crock-Pot.

Step 2: Season the pork tenderloin with ground pepper and garlic powder on both sides.

Optional Step (If you are pressed for time and do not have the full 7-8 hours to dedicate to cooking, then use this step. Otherwise, skip to step 3): Brown the pork tenderloin in a pan for no more than two minutes on each side.

Step 3: Coat both sides of the tenderloin in BBQ sauce. Sprinkle brown sugar on top of the BBQ sauce on both sides. (If you used the optional step, then add a little more ground pepper and garlic powder as well)

 Step 4: Place the pork tenderloin on top of the bed of onions in the Crock-Pot.

Step 5: Pour beer into the onions and around the pork tenderloin. Try not to pour the beer on top of the tenderloin so it doesn't wash the BBQ marinade off of the meat. Pour in enough beer so that the onions are completely submerged and the meat is submerged about half way. (It took me 1.5 cans of Bud Light)

Step 6: Add more BBQ sauce on top of the tenderloin. Cover with the lid and begin cooking! You can cook it for 4-5 hours on high (I would use the optional step that I mentioned above if you are going to go this route) or you can cook it for 7-8 hours on low which is obviously the best option if you have the time. You can also do a mixture of high and low cooking times if need be. Before removing the meat from the Crock-Pot, check to see that it is done. Use a fork to check that the meat is not pink in the center, that it is tender and pulls apart easily when you stick the fork in it.  

Step 7: Remove the meat from the Crock-Pot and place into a container or on a large plate where you can pull it apart. Use a fork and knife to shred the meat. Add BBQ sauce to the meat once it is shredded. Add just enough sauce so that all the meat is coated, but not too much. Then everyone can add their favorite BBQ sauce according to their taste when it is time to serve.

You can use the onions from the Crock-Pot if you want to. By the end of this process, the onions are caramelized and soaked in beer so you can add them to your meat or to the side dishes if you want. I don't like onions so I didn't use any of them, but Jared added them to the baked beans and said it was delicious. Just an idea. I hope you enjoy this yummy pulled pork! 

Weekend Shenanigans

This past weekend was all about football, football, and more football. Which is basically what every weekend in the fall revolves around in my household. Football and tailgating food. Forget "holiday weight", I have to deal with "football season weight". This means that I pack on the extra pounds not just during the holidays, but from September to January. Thank goodness football season and bikini season don't overlap.

On Saturday, I made sure I was up by 9am so I could watch College Gameday...from my bed. Then we spent the day watching a variety of other college games leading up to the FSU game that evening.

We had a little game watching party at Ben and Nicole's new house where we had to use ESPN 3 on our laptop and rig it up to the TV since our game was not being televised. I guess FSU vs. Bethune-Cookman was not a TV worthy match-up. I'm so glad that Jared and I decided not to go to Tallahassee for the game because it was raining there and the game was a severely boring blowout. Final Score: 54-6

Even though the game was anything but exciting, we really enjoyed spending time with our friends cheering on the Noles and eating delicious game day food.

I'm pretty sure that Jared thinks that my wanting to play Fantasy Football is the best idea I've ever had. In addition to watching college football on Saturdays (which I've always done), I now also willingly watch NFL football with him on Thursday nights, all day Sunday and Monday nights. So on Sundays, we hang out on the couch together with our laptops and watch NFL Red Zone all day. Plus, all this football watching has taught me a lot more about the game than I knew before. So now, not only does Jared have someone to watch all the games with, but someone who can actually hold an intelligent conversation about it all day as well. 

Side note: I am actually surprised at how easy it has been for me to do football season without alcohol thus far. I haven't had a single alcoholic or caffeinated beverage in 3 weeks and I haven't even felt like I wanted one at any time. It just shows what you are willing to do when you desperately want something to work. Trust me, being on the pregnancy diet when you aren't actually pregnant takes a lot of will power.  

Yesterday, I also made pulled pork in the CrockPot and it was so delicious. Don't worry there will be a blog post about this one coming soon. It was so easy to do and made enough that we have leftovers for a few days. Yummy. I hope everyone had a great weekend enjoying the beginning of fall!

Fertility Journey {April}

I sincerely apologize if these fertility posts are getting depressing. However, I want to be open and honest about this entire process. I want to portray exactly how I was feeling during that particular time and I must admit that most of the time, it was hopeless and depressing. I am sorry if all of this comes across as whiny or annoying, but for so many months I've been longing to let all of this out.

April not only brought another unsuccessful month of treatments, but also a birthday for me. Turning 26 was fine, other than the fact that it was a harsh reminder that I had now turned another year older and was still not pregnant. I know what you are thinking...26 isn't old, you still have plenty of time to get pregnant. I know that. However, I was still only 24 when we started trying and I never imagined that by my 26th birthday I wouldn't already have a baby or at least be pregnant. Plus, I got to spend my 26th birthday at the doctor's office which is where I seem to be spending all of my free time lately. One of the nurses actually offered to set me up a cot in the back room. When you work in a fertility clinic, you have to have a good sense of humor. I can't imagine dealing with that many infertile women all day long. God bless that office staff. I also set an office record on that day, my birthday. It took 6 pokes, 4 different locations on my body (left arm, right arm, left hand and right hand), 3 different nurses and 1 nurse practitioner to actually get my blood drawn. I told you I'm a hard stick. And I told you I was infamous in that office.

If nothing else, this journey has made me into a completely different person. It has made me tougher not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. It has given me a lot of perspective on who I am, what I want and what my priorities are. A year ago, I couldn't get a shot in the doctor's office. Now, I can give myself multiple injections at a time and get my blood drawn twice a week. I can get through any sickness, allergy attack, pain or physical ailment with zero medication. A year ago, I would have told you that my number one priority was work, and I was more concerned with pleasing other people and taking care of their needs before my own. In fact, my own physical, mental and emotional health was at the very bottom of my list. Now, my body is the most important priority in my life.

I still can't believe that by 26, my entire perspective on becoming a parent and getting pregnant has so drastically changed. Who ever thinks that they aren't going to conceive their first child in some romantic and intimate way? As young girls, do we sit around dreaming about the day we fall in love and then have to go to the doctor to have a tube inject a baby into us? Uh, no. That was a harsh reality I had to face. My child is going to be conceived in a doctor's office. It's not ideal, but that is my reality and there is nothing wrong with that. It was a tough pill to swallow, but I've tried to remain hopeful.

I thought that April was going to be my lucky month, being my birthday month and all. I was determined to make this IUI thing work this month. That first one was like a dress rehearsal, this was going to be the real thing. This month we jumped right into the injections, starting out slowly with shots every other day. Of course my body is stubborn, so obviously a simple low dose of hormones was not going to do the trick. Part of fertility treatments is figuring out which concoction of medication is going to get your body to react the way they want it to. I was like a walking science experiment. Finally, we progressed to doing the injections every day which seemed to actually get things moving in the right direction. Once the injections get your body (aka: ovaries) exactly where the doctor/nurses want them, then you get to give yourself a trigger shot which is a nice big needle that forces your body to ovulate when they want it to so that they can make sure they do the IUI at the exact right time. Modern medicine is pretty nifty and I thank God for it everyday.

This month's IUI went just like the one before. It was awkward, uncomfortable and I spent a solid 15 minutes after the procedure writhing on the table in pain. It does give me a good reason to lay around on the couch for the rest of day doing nothing, so that's nice...even if I have to be in pain while doing it. Just shows you what I am willing to do to get out of having to grade papers.

I'm sure you know where this goes from here. We wait two weeks and then it's another negative pregnancy test for the books. So much for April being my lucky month, huh?

By this point in our treatments, things were really starting to go downhill for me mentally and emotionally. Work was stressful, life was stressful and I just couldn't understand why nothing we tried was working. I was the perfect candidate for a successful IUI. I'm young, healthy and I have good eggs. They just happen to be stubborn little chicks who don't want to let the boys in to fertilize them. Rude. I'm really gonna need my eggs to start being a little more promiscuous here.

It didn't make sense. We just couldn't figure out why the IUIs weren't working. I really thought that this IUI was going to work, and when it didn't I had no idea what to do next. The doctor encouraged me to try another IUI before moving on to IVF because he said sometimes it takes a few of them before you get one that works. We decided that probably sounded like the most logical plan, so we agreed to pick up the pieces once again and start another cycle.

Fertility Journey {March}

After the first two months of treatments were such a bust, I was eager to try something different. However, the doctor wanted us to start out with the Femara pills again at the higher dose just to see if we could avoid having to move to injections right away. I was annoyed and anxious. I knew the pills weren't going to work, just give me the darn injections. We've got babies to make around here. Stat. But I went along with his plan because obviously he has the medical degree and I don't. Plus, I did agree to go along with his conservative treatment plan so I better just let the man do his job. Well, we tried the pills again. Guess what, they didn't work. Shocker. But we can't say we didn't give them a good try before moving on to the next option. At the time I was annoyed, but looking back I'm glad we took our time and tried literally everything so that I don't have any of those "what ifs" in my mind. I know we did everything we could and I didn't miss out on any possible options.

Now, I was definitely ready to move to injections. I figured that if I'm injecting the hormones directly into me, then it's got to do something. Side note...I hate needles. I hate shots and especially getting my blood drawn. Which reminds me that I totally forgot this fun little story in my last fertility post. The first time I went to our fertility doctor, I warned the nurses that I am very difficult to draw blood from and I usually pass out. Well, she started poking and boom, I was out cold. Can't say I didn't warn her. From that moment on, I was infamous in our fertility clinic. Ok, back on track...so I hate needles. And now I was going to have to get an injection every other night in my stomach. Yikes. Oh and Jared was going to have to give it to me, or I would have to give it to myself (yeah right, not happening). If your husband is willing to stab you in the stomach with needles night after night, he must really love you. Especially when he knows that some of those injections are going to cause you a lot of pain, but he does it anyways because he knows that in the end it will be worth it. My husband really loves me, and I've got multiple sharps containers full of empty syringes to prove it.

We started doing the injections every other night and it took forever for my body to respond to the medication. My uterus is a stubborn little you know what. Finally, things started happening and my doctor said that we were ready to try an IUI this month. Hooray! Since I try to keep things on the blog as PG (ok more like PG-13 sometimes) as possible, I'll let the good 'ole internet explain what an IUI is if you are interested: Intrauterine insemination.

I got really excited about the upcoming IUI. Well as excited as one can be about possibly conceiving a baby in the romantic atmosphere of a doctor's office exam room with a doctor and two other nurses watching you. Simply magical. I had convinced myself that this was it. This IUI thing was going to work. I had done everything I was supposed to, the procedure went well and everything was great. Until the nurses left the exam room and told me to lie there for the next 15 minutes. Holy cow, I thought I was going to die on that exam table. I then experienced the aftermath of an IUI procedure, which felt like someone repeatedly stabbing me in the stomach with 100 knives for the longest 15 minutes of my life. I could barely stand up and walk out of the office to the car. The stabbing pain, cramping and general horror continued for the rest of the day while I laid on the couch in agony. Oh and the extra fun part is that you can't take any medications before or after the IUI. So no Tylenol or Advil to help dull the pain, you just have to wait it out and fight through it. But hey, I survived and I'm probably stronger for it.

I figure that women who go through fertility treatments have got to be the easiest patients during the actual labor and delivery. We've been through months of constant, severe pain without any medication at all to help, so delivering the baby is probably a piece of cake. But then again, I've never actually delivered a baby so I guess I'll have to wait and see. However, at least once your labor is over you have something wonderful to show for it. Imagine going through all that pain and labor and getting nothing in the end. That is how I felt after every one of my IUI procedures.

Once the actual IUI procedure was over, we commenced the dreaded 2 week waiting game. At the end of the two weeks, I was able to take a pregnancy test...which after you already taken a dozen of them with no success becomes quite a daunting task. Of course, that month I added negative pregnancy test #13 to my trophy case and once again we were back to ground zero.  

FSU vs. Nevada

This weekend was the first FSU home football game of the season! Which of course meant that we had to make the trip to Tallahassee for the occasion. Even though we played Nevada and the game was a blowout, it was so awesome to be back on campus celebrating game day once again!

We are still tailgating in our same Booster lot on the top deck of the medical school parking garage. We had a pretty low-key tailgate this week and I experienced a tailgating first for myself yesterday. It was the first FSU tailgate I've ever attended where I have not had a single alcoholic beverage all day. Oh IVF, how you run my life nowadays. No worries, hopefully it will all be worth it in the end :)

Could this be our last FSU home game as Roche, party of two? I sure hope so :)  

We moved our Season Ticket seats this year and I am in love with our new seats. We are now on the home side (aka: where the rich, old people sit) and on the shady side of the stadium. Our seats were in the shade throughout the entire game and it was glorious. Plus, we are now surrounded by people who know how to act like actual adults instead of drunk a-holes. It's so much better. I guess this means we are really growing up now...when I'd rather sit with the calm, old people than with the fun, rowdy crowd at the game. It was so great to be back in Doak Campbell Stadium, especially since FSU beat Nevada 62-7. Fall is officially in full swing now and I can't wait for more fun gamedays in Tallahassee this season! Go Noles!

Fertility Journey {Jan-Feb}

You know how people say that when you are ready to start a family you'll just "know"? Well I sort of never really believed that until it happened to me. Then once you decide you're ready, you want it to happen right away. That is wishful thinking, so I've learned.

When we decided that we were ready to start trying to get pregnant, I convinced myself that I would be fine if it didn't happen right away. Can't be too unrealistic now can we? I figured it might take 3-4 months and I was totally ok with that. Then the months kept passing, and passing, and nothing. So I started doing a little research. I tried every crazy idea in the book (or on the Internet for that matter). Predictor kits, herbs, teas, vitamins, weird foods, exercises; any suggestion I could find, I was willing to try. 

December 2012 rolled around and we had been officially trying for 10 months. I was ready to lose my mind. The doctors say not to suspect a problem until you've been trying for a full year, but I'm young and healthy and I had just about had enough. I couldn't wait any longer. I wanted answers. 

At this point, we weren't telling many people that we were trying. I didn't want people getting their hopes up or worrying about me. Finally, I reached my limit. I had to talk to someone about this. Someone who would understand. One of my cousins had recently gone through fertility treatments and I just needed someone to talk to who could relate to how I was feeling. I called her up one night in hysterics because I felt like I was on the verge of a mental breakdown and I didn't know what to do next. Talking to her made me feel so much better. Ultimately, she told me to screw what everyone else thinks and what I'm supposed to do, forget the timeline, and just go to a fertility doctor if that will make me feel better. That is some of the best advice I've received during this journey. I'm so glad that I decided to take her advice and run with it. 

In January 2013, Jared and I had our first visit to the fertility doctor. I was terrified at first, but hopeful by the time I left his office. It was a huge mix of emotions. I was discouraged that there was in fact a problem and that we probably were not going to be able to get pregnant on our own. At the same time, I was relieved to know that there was something wrong and that it was fixable. All this time I could not figure out what I was doing wrong. Why couldn't I get pregnant? I finally had an answer. No one ever wants to find out that they have something wrong with them, but at least I finally had an explanation and now we could move forward. 

Our doctor wanted us to start fertility treatments right away and I was eager to make some progress. Anything would be better than the past 10 months because at least I would feel like I was moving in the right direction. My doctor's goal was to start us out with the lowest dosage of medication and least invasive treatments, and then slowly progress from there. That way we could try out a treatment and if it didn't work, move on to the next one. This could end up being a long and tedious process, but I wanted to try all of my options before jumping into IVF. 

Late-January was the beginning of round one. We started with an oral fertility drug called Femara (similar to Clomid for those of you who know about fertility treatments) on a very low dose. First, I took one pill every day. My body didn't react at all. Then, we progressed to two pills every day. My body started to react to the medication, but not enough to really do anything.

Now we were getting into February and by this point, it was too late in the cycle to add any more medications or treatments. So we just had to try again naturally and hope for the best. It is amazing to me how people actually manage to get pregnant on their own. There are so many factors that have to all align perfectly and at the exact right time for it to actually work. It's all about the timing, and if your body doesn't want to cooperate with the proper timing (like mine), then it's next to impossible. This cycle seemed to go on forever and my body would not cooperate, which ultimately led to more wasted time and no success. Now, we were two months into fertility treatments and I didn't feel any better than where we were months ago.

I was once again distraught and discouraged and wanted nothing more than for the next month to roll around so that we could try something different.

Out of the Darkness

In the United States, a person dies by suicide every 13.7 minutes, claiming more than 38,000 lives each year. It is estimated that an attempt is made every minute; with close to one million people attempting suicide annually. Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death in the U.S. among adults. All of us are affected by suicide. Whether you know it or not, someone close to you has probably thought about suicide or even attempted it. I never thought that I would be a victim of this tragic killer.

Last year, my father committed suicide. It was sad. It was difficult. It was hard for everyone to accept. It made us angry. But there is nothing I can do to change it. No one is to blame. My dad could not be saved, but that doesn't mean that someone else who is struggling can't be. Which is why we are walking.

Our family and friends are joining us in a walk to save lives. Out of the Darkness is a community walk that benefits the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. The walk funds research aimed at improving our understanding of suicide and ways to prevent it, as well as educational programs to increase awareness about prevention, warning signs and the psychiatric illnesses that can lead to suicide. It also serves as an event for family and friends to be able to honor the memory of the loved ones they have lost to suicide.

We will be walking on October 12th at the Jacksonville Landing in memory of my dad. If you want to visit our team page or register to join us for the walk, click here: "The Rock". If you are interested in supporting our team with a donation, you can sponsor me by clicking here: Sponsor Me.

I can't wait for this event and I am so thankful for the family and friends that will be joining us and supporting me on this special day.

I Remember

Today is one of those days that you never forget. Year after year it pops up on your calendar and you always remember. Remember exactly where you were, exactly what you were doing and exactly how you felt when it happened. Today, we remember September 11th.

I remember every detail of September 11, 2001. I was in the 9th grade at Douglas Anderson School of the Arts. I was in my ballet class that morning when the Director of Dance at the school came into our studio and whispered something to our ballet teacher. Our teacher immediately started messing with the television and told us to continue doing our barre exercises. Each dance studio had a TV cart in it, used for watching performance tape. There we all stood, at the barre facing the mirror focusing more on our teacher's reflection and wondering what she was about to put on the TV screen, than what our feet were supposed to be doing. As soon as it came on the TV screen, we all stopped dancing. The music kept playing, but we all froze. No one even turned around to actually face the TV. We just stared at the reflection in the mirror, watching in horror. At that moment, while we were still staring into the mirror, another plane crashed into the second tower. Our ballet teacher started crying, other girls were crying, and I couldn't believe that this was really happening. We tried to finish our ballet class, but it was obvious that no one was focused. So we all huddled together on the floor watching the TV until it was time for our next class. 

I was in shock. I was so deeply saddened that something like this was happening in a city that I had come to love. A mere month before that tragic day, I had been in the city. I had just spent that summer in New York taking ballet classes. My mom came to pick me up from my program and we spent some time enjoying the city before we came home. We walked among those buildings every day and I'm still sad that I never made to the top of the World Trade Center.

The first time I returned to the World Trade Center site was my senior year of high school, 3 years later, with my dance studio team. The area was still in complete destruction; however, a fence had been erected around the site so that visitors could look in. There was a giant hole in the ground filled with rubble. The only thing still standing within that fenced area is a cross that had been made out of the melted beams from the Twin Towers. You can sort of see it behind us in the picture above. 

We more recently returned to the Ground Zero site this past Christmas to visit the 9/11 Memorial which has been built over the original site of the World Trade Center towers. I enjoyed coming back to this site to see how it has developed over the years. It's good to see that a beautiful memorial has taken the place of what was once devastation and destruction.

Being at the 9/11 Memorial is a surreal experience. Here you stand in the middle of New York City, surrounded by thousands of people, and yet it is completely silent. Visitors come from all over the world to quietly stand and admire. To reflect and pray. To honor all those who were lost. Yet, no one speaks. Everyone just walks around reading the plaques, admiring the fountains and the newly built Freedom Tower, in complete silence. It just feels wrong to talk while you are there. I imagine that all those silent people around me were thinking and doing the same thing that I was. Quietly gazing upon this site, praying for those who were lost and thanking God that I have been blessed with the freedom and the ability to stand here in this moment. 

Take a moment today and say a prayer for all those who were lost on this tragic day, and for their families who are left to carry on. Thank you to all of our service men and women who give it all everyday so that we can be free. God Bless. 

Our Fertility Journey

First of all, I want to thank you all so much for your prayers and kind words of encouragement. I will admit that I was nervous about going public with our fertility struggles and talking about it on my blog. I've been thinking about doing this for months, but I was afraid of what others would think. Is this sharing too much? Does anyone even really care? Is it weird to talk about reproduction on my blog? Are people going to judge me because I'm still young and do have a lot of time to have kids? Does it sound like I'm whining? Or ungrateful for all the amazing blessings I do have in my life?

Then about two weeks ago, I hit a pretty low point. But that emotional rock-bottom made me realize something, I don't care what other people think. This is my body, my journey, my decisions. And if I want to post it all over my blog, I get to. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that includes me. 

However, the feedback I have received from my post has been extremely positive. People who I haven't talked to in years, bloggers I've never even met, all sending me their prayers and encouragement. Thank you all for your continued support. 

In addition to the amazing words of encouragement, I have also received tons of messages from girls going though this exact same journey, thanking me for posting, asking me for advice and support. It's good to know that we are not alone. 

Sharing my story is one of the best decisions I've ever made. Being able to help others who are struggling with my words is amazing. I used to think that hiding my infertility as a secret would keep me safe, but it just made things worse. The more people I tell, the better I feel. It's crazy how simply writing these blog posts is helping me to heal, to feel happy and positive about my situation. Infertility is nothing to be ashamed of. This is my reality and if I can help someone else in the process, then that is even better. 

I have come to a realization. I know this may sound crazy (remember I am currently on a lot of hormone injections, so that is very possible), but I feel like God placed this obstacle in my life for a reason. He's not punishing me. He's using me. I've always believed that my spiritual gifts were writing and helping people. Last week, something told me that I needed to share my story, that I needed to reach out to others who are in my situation. I'm starting to believe that I was put in this situation because it needs to be talked about, not hidden. Someone needs to address infertility, advocate for it and offer support to those who are struggling with it. I am that person. God wants me to share my story because there are people out there who need to hear it. 

Yes, I realize that what I just wrote sounds insane. Maybe it's just the hormones talking, but that is what I believe. It makes me feel better, happier and more determined to stay strong through all of this. Everything happens for a reason, and only God knows what He has in store for each of us. If this is how God has decided that He wants to use me, then I'm up for the challenge. 

I am going to start writing a series of posts discussing each month of our fertility treatments. Don't worry, I will clearly label them so that if reading about my uterus is not something you care to know about then you can skip right over it. Also, please know that this will not become the only focus of my blog from now on. Yes, there will be multiple posts about fertility. However, I will continue to post about my normal shenanigans. They just might not be as exciting as they used to be, as well as severely lacking in the beer and wine department because I can't drink anymore at this stage in my treatment. But isn't reading crazy, hormonal posts written by a wine-free, Diet Coke-free Jacki going to be super terrifying entertaining? Lord, keep me sane.

I've always admired my brother for being able to make light of the fact that he has Crohn's disease. He always talks about it, jokes about it, and makes fun of himself. Through all of this, I've discovered that he's got the right idea. There is nothing he can do about his Crohn's and there is nothing I can do about my fertility issues, so I might as well make the best of the situation and move on. Having a positive attitude is key here.

On that note, I am all ready to whip up some "mock cocks" (term for non-alcoholic mixed drinks coined by our Phi Mu house mom, Pamela) and enjoy my football season!

Be blessed y'all and say a little prayer for us!

Fantasy Football

Jared has been participating in the phenomenon that is fantasy football for the past few years now. Neither of us are huge NFL fans, but we do love football overall so we watch it anyways. Last football season, I realized that I was spending a significant amount of my Sunday watching the NFL Red Zone channel with him while I graded papers on the couch. Since I don't have a NFL team that a cheer for (I do live in Jacksonville, but it's really hard to cheer for the Jaguars sometimes), I would cheer for the guys on Jared's fantasy roster. It was actually fun and I was sad that I didn't have a fantasy team of my own.

This past July, I came up with this crazy idea. Maybe I should start my own fantasy league for this season? I knew the boys would never let me join their league so I would have to recruit people for my own league. Were my girlfriends going to think that this was a totally weird and stupid idea? So I asked Jared's fraternity brother's wives, friends, and my sister-in-law if they wanted to join me. Everyone was eager to get on board even though they had no clue what they were doing. No problem. I had no idea what the heck I was doing either and I'm the commissioner of our league. 

The eight of us created our league "Belles of the Ball" and prepped ourselves for a great season. 

I think we were all a little apprehensive when it came time for our draft. However, once it got rolling we were having a great time. Even though we were all in our separate houses, it felt like we were all together. Drafting on our laptops, group texting some smack talk back and forth, snap chatting pictures of our draft beverages (giant glasses of wine) and our draft assistants (fur babies) while our husbands sat by and offered their advice or mocked us when we made poor draft choices.

It really was a good time. Especially because we are literally playing for fun, not really competitively. We have no money on the line in our league. The buy in for our league is a bottle of wine so at the end of the season, the winner of our league will have 8 bottles of wine bestowed upon her. Now that's one heck of a deal.

As this is the first week of the season, I am already so excited for what is to come. This crazy idea of mine might turn into an annual tradition!

My first match-up this week is Jared's sister. We're only one game into the week and her and I are already all tied up. I'm a little nervous about setting the rest of my line up, but for once I am actually excited for Sunday afternoon to get here! 

Grab a fall-festive beer and enjoy your weekend full of football!

Our Secret

Admit it. The only reason you are reading this blog post is because you think I'm pregnant. Good guess. I am 26 and have been married for over 4 years which makes me a prime suspect for a baby bump. Trust me, people ask me non-stop, "When are you going to have a baby?" If they only knew. I am sorry to disappoint you, but I am not pregnant. However, you are totally going in the right direction.

A little over a year ago, I wrote a blog post that I never imagined I would have to write at this time in my life. A post about my father's death. Writing that was very hard, but it helped me cope in a lot of ways. I like to believe that it helped some other people too. See, blogging is like therapy for me. It helps me deal with my emotions and vent about the things I don't want to talk about. So here I am again. Writing about something I never imagined I would have to post about at this time in my life...or ever for that matter.

Infertility. There, I said it. Go ahead and feel sorry for me. Yep, it sucks. Yep, it makes me depressed. But I'm sick of pretending like everything is great and wonderful (like we all pretend it is in our fake little Facebook world). So I'm talking about it. I am hoping that finally blogging about this will help me personally and possibly help someone else out there who is struggling like I am.

For our entire young adult lives, we try so hard to not get pregnant. Then we get married, save money, wait until the time is just right and then decide we are ready. Then you just get magically get pregnant, right? If you are one of the lucky ones, maybe. But for some of us, not so much. Unfortunately, our generation seems to have a rising infertility problem and I am one of it's victims.

For the past 18 months, we have been trying to get pregnant. That means 18 negative pregnancy tests. 18 months of disappointment. 18 months of wondering what the hell is wrong with me. 18 months of wondering why me? Is God punishing me? 18 months of watching other people who are younger than me, who have been married less time than I have, who started trying after I did actually get pregnant, go through their entire pregnancy and have their baby. It's pretty painful.

After almost a year of no success on our own, we decided to consult a fertility doctor. Want to talk about the most awkward waiting room experience ever? Go to a fertility clinic. Especially when you are the youngest person in there by about a decade. For the past 8 months, we have been trying different fertility treatments. Let me tell you guys, being jacked up on hormones 24/7 will drive a girl crazy. And having your husband give you injections in the stomach every night month and month is super romantic. Not. After 4 rounds of fertility treatments and thousands of dollars later (thank goodness for good insurance), we still have not been successful. This month we are moving on to IVF and hoping for a better outcome.

I have good days and bad days. Some days I feel like my normal self and on other days I just want to scream and cry every time I see a pregnant woman. I am trying very hard to not let this consume my life, but it's hard. Unless you have been on this journey yourself, you have no idea what this is like.    

I have been documenting our fertility journey over these past months because I knew that I wanted to share it one day. My original plan was to wait until after we found out we were pregnant to reveal our journey, but I never imagined that it would take this long. I will eventually write about each month of our fertility treatments thus far, but for now I just wanted to briefly share our secret. I don't want to hide behind this anymore. It's out there, it's happening to us and now you all know. See, I feel a little better already.

Thank you to all of our friends and family who have been so supportive thus far throughout our journey. If you or someone you know if struggling with infertility, please feel free to email me. I would love to share my experiences with someone who needs help. Please keep us in your prayers. We need it.

Labor Day Weekend

I hope that everyone had a fabulous Labor Day weekend! Needless to say, I am not excited to be back at work today. However, I am excited that someone at my school thought it was a good idea for today (the day after a FSU night game) to be a testing day so I don't have to teach. High five.

Obviously the highlight of the weekend was the start of college football season. Magical.

 FSU kicked off their season last night with a victory over Pittsburgh 41-13

On Sunday afternoon, our friends hosted a Labor Day party at their house. 

Jared was out of town for 4 days, so I went a little crazy cleaning and organizing our house. I got rid of a ton of stuff including all the bedding in our guest bedroom. It had worn out its welcome in our guest room (plus Sadie and Lola did their fair share of damage to it), so I packed it up in trash bags and threw it away. Presenting our new guest room bedding...no puppies allowed. Sadie and Lola are sad. 

In the midst of all my cleaning, I also decorated the house for fall and football season!

I also stocked the fridge with massive amounts of pumpkin spice beer. I love pumpkin beer and I seriously will try every single kind of pumpkin beer I can find. This one from Shipyard is by far my favorite. 

Side note: My nails are "Funny Face" by Essie in case you were interested.

The family came over to our house on Monday night to watch the FSU game and I made my delicious white chicken chili for the occasion. Even though it might still be 95 degrees outside, football season = chili. Erika and I celebrated our first FSU Gameday of the season with a little fall treat. Pumpkin beer in a pint glass with a cinnamon rim and cinnamon sprinkled on top. It tastes like fall in a glass. Not to mention that I was excited to use my fancy pint glasses from the Guinness Brewery in Dublin. The Irish would probably be angry that I was putting pumpkin flavored American beer in my Guinness glass, but oh well. 

It was a fun long weekend, the Noles won and I am so excited for fall! Have a great week!