Our Secret

Admit it. The only reason you are reading this blog post is because you think I'm pregnant. Good guess. I am 26 and have been married for over 4 years which makes me a prime suspect for a baby bump. Trust me, people ask me non-stop, "When are you going to have a baby?" If they only knew. I am sorry to disappoint you, but I am not pregnant. However, you are totally going in the right direction.

A little over a year ago, I wrote a blog post that I never imagined I would have to write at this time in my life. A post about my father's death. Writing that was very hard, but it helped me cope in a lot of ways. I like to believe that it helped some other people too. See, blogging is like therapy for me. It helps me deal with my emotions and vent about the things I don't want to talk about. So here I am again. Writing about something I never imagined I would have to post about at this time in my life...or ever for that matter.

Infertility. There, I said it. Go ahead and feel sorry for me. Yep, it sucks. Yep, it makes me depressed. But I'm sick of pretending like everything is great and wonderful (like we all pretend it is in our fake little Facebook world). So I'm talking about it. I am hoping that finally blogging about this will help me personally and possibly help someone else out there who is struggling like I am.

For our entire young adult lives, we try so hard to not get pregnant. Then we get married, save money, wait until the time is just right and then decide we are ready. Then you just get magically get pregnant, right? If you are one of the lucky ones, maybe. But for some of us, not so much. Unfortunately, our generation seems to have a rising infertility problem and I am one of it's victims.

For the past 18 months, we have been trying to get pregnant. That means 18 negative pregnancy tests. 18 months of disappointment. 18 months of wondering what the hell is wrong with me. 18 months of wondering why me? Is God punishing me? 18 months of watching other people who are younger than me, who have been married less time than I have, who started trying after I did actually get pregnant, go through their entire pregnancy and have their baby. It's pretty painful.

After almost a year of no success on our own, we decided to consult a fertility doctor. Want to talk about the most awkward waiting room experience ever? Go to a fertility clinic. Especially when you are the youngest person in there by about a decade. For the past 8 months, we have been trying different fertility treatments. Let me tell you guys, being jacked up on hormones 24/7 will drive a girl crazy. And having your husband give you injections in the stomach every night month and month is super romantic. Not. After 4 rounds of fertility treatments and thousands of dollars later (thank goodness for good insurance), we still have not been successful. This month we are moving on to IVF and hoping for a better outcome.

I have good days and bad days. Some days I feel like my normal self and on other days I just want to scream and cry every time I see a pregnant woman. I am trying very hard to not let this consume my life, but it's hard. Unless you have been on this journey yourself, you have no idea what this is like.    

I have been documenting our fertility journey over these past months because I knew that I wanted to share it one day. My original plan was to wait until after we found out we were pregnant to reveal our journey, but I never imagined that it would take this long. I will eventually write about each month of our fertility treatments thus far, but for now I just wanted to briefly share our secret. I don't want to hide behind this anymore. It's out there, it's happening to us and now you all know. See, I feel a little better already.

Thank you to all of our friends and family who have been so supportive thus far throughout our journey. If you or someone you know if struggling with infertility, please feel free to email me. I would love to share my experiences with someone who needs help. Please keep us in your prayers. We need it.