Gate River Run

Growing up in Jacksonville, the Gate River Run has always been a prominent tradition in our community. It's one of the most significant weekends of the year in our fair city, for both runners and non-runners. If you've never thought of running as a spectator sport, then you've never been to the Gate. A large portion of the race is throughout neighborhoods and people go all out, throwing huge parties in their yards. The entire 9.3 mile race route is basically lined with spectators. Some just cheering you on with signs and music, others handing out water and snacks, some even bold enough to offer you beer or mimosas, and food straight off the grill. I have no idea who could possibly manage to drink a beer and eat a bratwurst while in the midst of running 9 miles (definitely not me), but the option is there if you want it. Whether you're running the race or just partaking in the festivities, this is definitely a big day for all Jacksonville residents.

I've never been a runner. In fact, up until about two years ago the farthest I could ever manage to run was about half a mile. After that, I felt like I was going to die. In the summer of 2013, I decided that I wanted to try and run a 5k. I trained for about a month and accomplished my goal of running an entire 5k race without stopping or walking. I thought that was the end of my running career. I always dreamed of possibly running the Gate once day, but I never thought it would be possible. I struggled enough with running a 5k start to finish, so having to run three times that far seemed completely out of the realm of possibility. Then last year Jared ran the Gate while I was pregnant and I was super jealous. Seeing him accomplish what I had always dreamed of doing made me think that maybe I could actually be crazy enough to try it for myself.

After Peyton was born last summer, I had a new sense of self-confidence. Delivering a 10 pound baby with no drugs makes you feel like a superwoman. I was convinced that my body could do absolutely anything. I decided that if I could power through natural childbirth like a champ, then surely I could run 9.3 miles. So I signed up for the Gate in October. I hoped that signing up 5 months in advance would give me plenty of time and motivation to train for the race. I was wrong. Apparently, I'm still a procrastinator at heart...you'd think I would have grown out of that after college. Not the case. The new year rolled around and I still had yet to begin my training. Finally in late January, I began a very inconsistent running routine. I managed to run a 10k (6.2 miles) the Sunday before the Gate and up to that point, that was the farthest I had ever run in my entire life.

Going into race day, I knew that there was no way I would be able to run the entire race. I decided that my goal would be 7 miles (a personal record for myself) and then if I had to walk the last 2 miles so what. The 8th mile (out of 9.3) of the race is up and over the Hart Bridge (nicknamed "The Green Monster") and I knew that I wouldn't dare to try and run that mile of the race because I've heard the horror stories the thought of having to run up a bridge after already running for 7 miles terrified me. I was perfectly content with the idea of having a nice walk up the bridge enjoying the beautiful view.

Race day finally arrived and I was pretty nervous. I do not run with other people. It is not a social activity for me. In fact, I don't want anyone I know running anywhere near me. I hate feeling pressured and watched by other people when I am trying to run. I'm not a competitive person at all so I do not derive motivation from other people, I just get angry and uncomfortable and self-conscious. Therefore, Jared was instructed to part ways with me at the starting line. Plus, I knew he wanted to run at a faster pace than me so I didn't want to hold him back.

Getting ready to line up at the starting line...here goes nothing!

I was pretty proud of myself for keeping the same pace for the entire race. I knew it would be hard to maintain my pace at the beginning of the race because I would be all amped up for the race and everyone else would be taking off fast right off the starting line. I quickly realized that majority of the runners in my wave (12-13 minute mile pace) only run across the starting line for the picture and then about 100 yards out, they all just stop running and start walking. Slackers. This totally threw me off because I was just running along nice and slow and everyone was blowing past me and then all of a sudden I hit this wall of people who just came to a halt out of nowhere. I literally almost ran into a bunch of people. It was so frustrating. I basically spent the rest of the race weaving in and out people who would just randomly stop in the middle of the road. I'm pretty sure that I actually ran an extra half mile or so simply from crossing back and forth across the road constantly.

The first 5k of the race was super easy even with having to go over the Main Street Bridge during mile two. By the time I hit the 10k mark, I was pleasantly surprised by how awesome and energetic I still felt (thanks to my GU Chomps). I also felt a little extra kick of adrenaline because I was determined to make it to my 7 mile goal since I was so close at that point. Once I hit 7 miles, I just had to see how far I could really push myself.

Once I hit the Hart Bridge (aka: The Green Monster), I couldn't possibly quit now. I had made it so far and there were less than two miles left, that I just had to try and finish out running. As I headed up the bridge, I felt like I was going in slow motion and that even though I was running, I felt like I wasn't moving forward. However, the fact that everyone else around me was giving up and walking, kept me running. As I made it to the top of the bridge, I could see the finish line and knew that the final mile was downhill. The exhaustion and muscle pain in my legs was lifted away and I was ready to conquer that last mile. There was no way I was going to give up now, after running over 8 miles, I just had to finish.

Running that final mile was such a surreal experience. I was shocked and amazed. I could not believe what I had just accomplished and it was an amazing moment for me. For a minute, I seriously thought that I was going to cry out of sheer joy as I crossed the finished line, but I was just so excited that I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear. 

I finally earned my first piece of race bling and it truly felt well deserved. I still can't believe that I actually ran 9.3 miles start to finish, without stopping or walking. Going from being a total non-runner to a Gate River Run finisher is huge accomplishment for me and I will cherish this proud moment forever. I am so happy that I finally challenged myself to take on this goal that I've always dreamed about and successfully check it off of my bucket list!

Jared beat me (but only by 10 minutes!) and successfully completed his 2nd Gate River Run. 

I'm so glad that Jared and I were able to share in this awesome experience together and I'm thrilled that he was there to support me in my special moment! Congratulations to all of the runners!

Book Club

One of my New Year's Goals was to get back into reading for personal enjoyment. Between our busy schedules, keeping up with household duties, and Peyton, it's easy for me to put something like reading a book on the back burner. However, I have been managing to work it into my schedule somehow, and I've decided that I want to read at least one book per month this year. I used to read at least 25 books per year when I was a teacher and challenge my students to do the same. Therefore, 12 books in a year should be no problem. I figure if I give myself an entire month then I can manage to get the book read. To hold myself accountable, I want to review each book here on the blog...so today I'm sharing my book from January!

Here is a synopsis from Amazon.com:

In Lisa Genova’s extraordinary New York Times bestselling novel, an accomplished professor diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease learns that her worth is comprised of more than her ability to remember. 

Alice Howland is proud of the life she worked so hard to build. At fifty years old, she’s a cognitive psychology professor at Harvard and a world-renowned expert in linguistics with a successful husband and three grown children. When she becomes increasingly disoriented and forgetful, a tragic diagnosis changes her life—and her relationship with her family and the world—forever.

Here is an Editorial Review from Barnes and Noble: 

This may be one of the most frightening novels you'll ever read. It's certainly one of the most unforgettable. Genova's debut revolves around Alice Howland - Harvard professor, gifted researcher and lecturer, wife, and mother of three grown children. One day, Alice sets out for a run and soon realizes she has no idea how to find her way home. It's a route she has taken for years, but nothing looks familiar. She is utterly lost. Is her forgetfulness the result of menopausal symptoms? A ministroke? A neurological cancer? After a few doctors' appointments and medical tests, Alice has her diagnosis, and it's a shocker -- she has early-onset Alzheimer's disease. 

What follows is the story of Alice's slow but inevitable loss of memory and connection with reality, told from her perspective. She gradually loses the ability to follow a conversational thread, the story line of a book, or to recall information she heard just moments before. To Genova's great credit, readers learn of the progression of Alice's disease through the reactions of others, as Alice does, so they feel what she feels -- a slowly building terror.

In Still Alice, Genova, who has a Ph.D. in neuroscience from Harvard, uniquely reveals the experience of living with Alzheimer's. Hers is an unusual book -- both a moving novel and an important read.

My thoughts on the book:

First and foremost, I love this author. Dr. Lisa Genova (author) holds a Ph.D. from Harvard University in neuroscience which leads me to believe that she has the educational background and knowledge to be able to tackle something as difficult as portraying a disease like Alzheimer's accurately. She also did extensive research. After reading this book, I read an interview with her about all of the preparations she did prior to writing it. Her professional background and Ph.D. gave her an all access pass to the right people and information. She worked with the leading physicians and scientists in Alzheimer's research, genetic counselors, neuropsychological testing experts, caregiver support experts...basically anyone who is an expert in all things related to the research and treatment of Alzheimer's disease. She also spent time working with a variety of actual patients, caregivers, and their families to best understand the disease from all sides and how it is experienced by all parties involved. Having been at the center of caring for someone with Alzheimer's recently, I would say that her depiction is spot on. In addition, this book has been given the "stamp of approval" by the Alzheimer's Association, which is not something they normally do; however, they found this book to be valuable and accurate enough to do so. Kudos to Lisa Genova for executing this project so well. Now, on to the actual book itself...

You need to read this book. Seriously, go out and buy it right now. Especially if you have a loved one or know someone who currently is or has suffered from Alzheimer's disease. This book will change your entire perception on the disease, that person, everything. I love how Genova chose to present the story from Alice's perspective, it is so powerful in that way. We are able to see Alice's struggles first hand, as well as her thoughts about what is going on inside her head. From the outside, it is hard to understand what Alzheimer's patients are thinking or feeling, and what it must be like to not be able to make those cognitive connections. This book gives you a glimpse into their minds. Not only do you feel empathy for Alice, but you can start to feel her frustration and anxiety as her mind slowly deteriorates. Genova intentionally writes the later half of the story in a way that mimics the way Alice's brain is functioning as the disease progresses. It's repetitive, chunks are missing, it's hard to follow, it's confusing and difficult to comprehend. It makes you as the reader feel like you are experiencing disease yourself. Reading it requires a lot of focus and frustration, which immediately made me understand how trying and difficult it must be to have to feel that way 24 hours a day. That is what makes this book so eye-opening and powerful.

My personal experience with Alzheimer's disease comes from caring for my grandmother. She is currently living in a long-term memory care facility because the disease has put her beyond the type of care that we were able to provide for her at home. She now requires full time service by memory care professionals. Prior to Peyton's birth and my grandma's move into memory care, I would visit her at least once per week to spend time with her and take her places. I would observe her and try to understand as best I could what she was going through and how I could best help her. I'm so glad that I read this book because I feel like more than ever, I now have a better understanding of what she must be feeling and why she did some of the things that I observed. Throughout the book, I kept thinking of her. As Alice progressed in the disease, I felt like I was reliving the past 6 years with my grandma. I kept stopping as I was reading and thinking to myself, "yes, yes, that is exactly what happens!". Of course this was saddening and hard for me to read because it hits so close to home, but it was also enlightening and inspirational. This book really made me appreciate my grandma more than ever before. Beyond what I am even capable of articulating here. Thinking about her disease and her suffering used to make me feel angry, lost and frustrated in so many ways. Why is this happening to her? Why is she acting this way? What is going on? Why can't I help her or stop it? Why, Why Why? But now, I feel at peace with the whole thing. I get it. I understand why she does and acts the way she does. I understand my role in her life. I understand (as much as is even remotely possible) how she feels. I get it. I've accepted it. I can enjoy the time I have left with her and appreciate what she still has to offer to my life.

Can you believe it? A 292 page fictional book did all of that to me. Which is why I am telling you, you must read this book. A movie version of this story did come out last month, which I'm sure is great and I fully plan on seeing that as well. However, if you want the full experience then you have to read the actual book. Not even listening to it on tape will suffice. If you want to truly feel Alice's frustrations and struggles, you have to read her words. You will not get that experience from listening or watching. If you want all of the power that this book can provide, you have to read it. Trust me, it's worth it and you will never forget it.

Festival of Lights 5k

One of my favorite annual holiday traditions is the Festival of Lights 5k. It takes place in one of the historic neighborhoods of Jacksonville, with beautiful homes along the river decorated in Christmas lights and candle-lit luminaries lining the race route. People dress up, decorate their strollers, sing Christmas carols and just have a wonderful time walking together. This event is so full of magical Christmas joy and it always gets me in the spirit for the season. Oh, and of course, there are some people who actually run the 5k as well. However, we always go as a family and just walk together, enjoying the atmosphere.

I was so excited to have Peyton here with us this year to share in one of my favorite traditions of the season! Well, technically I guess she was here with us last year too since she was strolling along in my belly!  

My mom and I started participating in this walk about 5 years ago because we loved looking at the Christmas lights and the event benefits Children's Miracle Network (which is Phi Mu's National Philanthropy so it is close to my heart). We have made this one of our annual traditions and we've done it every year since then. And now we get to share the fun with Miss P!

We even adorned Peyton's "sleigh" with some magical light-up snowflakes that played Christmas music for us to enjoy along the way!

 Loving this wonderful time of year with my sweet little Santa baby!

IVF: One Year Later

This time last year, I took you all along on my journey through IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and shared with you our fertility struggles. Well, here we are one year later with a beautiful 3 month old baby girl. Despite the trials and tribulations, and everything it took to finally get here, we could not be happier or feel more blessed.

Exactly one year ago today, the embryo that was Peyton was implanted into my uterus during what they call the IVF "transfer". Jared and I watched on the ultrasound screen as our fertility doctor carefully and strategically placed the embryo inside my uterus. I remember lying there in the operating room watching it happen and thinking about what it would be like if this actually worked. What if this particular embryo was the one? What if I literally just watched my baby being conceived right before my eyes? Have I just experienced the moment in which my life is changed forever? 

I was also terrified. What if this didn't work? What next? Luckily, that IVF transfer was successful and we now have a beautiful baby girl to show for it. Read my blog post from last year about my IVF experience here. 

Now, it's one year later and how do I feel about the whole thing? Going through IVF (if it is successful) is like having natural childbirth (which I also successfully did). At the time, it's the absolute worst physical and emotional pain you have ever experienced. You doubt yourself and if it's really worth it. You want it to be over and you never want to do it again. Ever. You wonder why the hell you did this in the first place. You want to cry. You want to quit. You want to give up. But you don't. And when it's over, you are overjoyed and pretty damn proud of yourself. You have received the most wonderful and precious gift of all. And right there in that exact moment, it's all worth it. After it's all over, you have this surreal sort of amnesia. You start to feel crazy enough to actually consider doing it all over again. Would I do natural childbirth all over again? Yes. Would I do IVF all over again? If necessary, yes. I want Peyton to have siblings, so if IVF is the only way I can make that happen then I will sacrifice myself and do it all over again. 

The difference between the pain of childbirth and the pain of IVF is the immediate results. Going into childbirth, you know that the instant it is over with, you will have a beautiful and wonderful gift in your arms. (Except in some unforeseen circumstances of course) With IVF, you experience it all, the pain and the heartache, and then you have to wait for 2 weeks for the possibility of maybe something or maybe nothing. 

I have never experienced anything quite like the waiting room at the fertility clinic. Here you have a room filled with perfectly healthy people, some full of hope, but most full of despair. They are risking it all, their own health, their life savings, their sanity. Just to have a chance. A chance at the possibility of a maybe. Just a maybe. 

For the first time ever, I watched an episode of that MTV show, "16 and Pregnant" the other day. Bad idea. I had to turn it off. I almost threw up. As I watched this 16 year old girl struggling to survive and talking about her ruined life, I couldn't help but think about all those people in the waiting room at the fertility clinic. All those wonderful people who would make amazing parents, who would give anything to have what that girl who never even asked for it has. Moral of the story, if you have fertility problems...don't ever watch "16 and Pregnant". 

Every morning, I go to wake Peyton up and I watch her. I think to myself about how blessed we truly are. I think about those people in the waiting room of the fertility clinic who are still waiting. I think about the people I know, and don't know, who want so desperately to have children and cannot. I wonder why IVF worked for us, and not for others. I still don't know why God chose to bless us with Peyton, and yet keeps others waiting. 

I mostly think about a message that our pastor talked about a few weeks ago regarding why God allows there to be pain in the world. He talked about how God sometimes uses the bad things in our lives as an opportunity for us to draw closer to Him. Whether we actually decide to do so or not is completely up to us of course. Prior to going through IVF, I probably would have thought that was a completely ridiculous idea. However, I now realize that for me at least, that was so true. During the first part of our fertility struggles, I spent all my time blaming God. Being mad at Him for not giving me what I wanted or answering my prayers. I blamed Him for my infertility. I knew that getting pregnant was totally in His hands so if it's not working, then He must be punishing me. After months of essentially being pissed at God, I decided to change my tune right before our IVF cycle. Instead of blaming Him, I went to Him and gave all my pain and suffering over to Him. I strengthened my faith in Him, drew closer to Him, and let go of everything else. Believe what you will, but it was the IVF cycle that immediately followed that change in my life that we were blessed with Peyton. Did He put infertility in my life to bring me closer to Him? Maybe. I'll never know. But either way, I'm glad I decided to renew my faith in Him in that way because it has made a huge difference in so many areas of my life. 

So one year later, I feel grateful. Grateful for Peyton. Grateful for my faith. Grateful for the opportunity to have had that IVF procedure. And as I take the time to thank God for those things, I will also say a prayer for everyone out there who is still waiting. The wait is treacherous, but the reward is so worth it. Don't give up. God has a far better plan for your life than you ever could have imagined for yourself.

Gate River Run

Growing up in Jacksonville, the Gate River Run has always been on my bucket list. Of course, never having been a runner I saw this goal as somewhat unattainable. Last summer, I finally achieved my goal of fully running my first 5k race. Ever since then, I've had my eye on a new prize, the Gate River Run. Immediately after running my first 5k, we starting doing fertility treatments again and then got pregnant so I have had to put my running on the back burner for a while. However, I have a new plan for reaching my goal now. Since Peyton will be born at the beginning of June, I'm planning on obviously just resting for the first 6-8 weeks after her birth and then starting my exercise regimen, first with just walking and then gradually building back into running. My goal is two-fold, to lose my baby weight and train for the Gate River Run which will be in mid-March.

Jared has been talking about running the Gate River Run for years now, but never managed to commit to actually doing so. This year, he decided that he was really going to follow through and finally do it, so I signed up to do the corresponding 5k race knowing that if I was committed as well then he wouldn't be tempted to back out last minute if he felt unprepared.

The Gate River Run is a 15k (that's 9.3 miles) race through downtown Jacksonville. Approximately 25,000 people, from all over the US and Canada, run in this race every year. This is a huge event here in Jacksonville and quite an important 37 year tradition for the city.

On race day, Jared and I parted ways at the starting line for the 15k where he would begin his race. The rest of our group, my mom and her friend, Jared's mom and me, then made our way over to the starting line for the Florida Times Union 5k for Charity.

Our 5k race started at the same time as Jared's 15k, and followed a different route through downtown Jacksonville. We walked the entire 5k, seeing as how none of us are currently capable of running 3.1 miles for various reasons. We did have a good solid power-walk going though and finished the race in 53 minutes. Not too shabby for being 7 months pregnant.

Once we finished our race, we had time to kill before we knew Jared would be crossing the finish line of the 15k, so we visited the post-race celebration and runner's expo to get some snacks and freebies. Every race participant even gets two free beers when you complete your race! Nothing like a delicious beer to quench your thirst at 9:45 in the morning, huh? I was a little sad that I didn't get to partake in my post-race beers, but I had Gina enjoy one for me :) Don't worry, next year after I finish the 15k I will definitely be rewarding myself with those 2 free beers.

Peyton has become quite the 5k enthusiast while in utero. This was her fourth 5k race and I can't wait until we can do our first race together with the BOB stroller.  

We made our way over to the Jaguars' stadium to get a spot near the finish line so that we could cheer Jared on as he finished the race. We downloaded this cool app called RaceJoy so that I could follow him as he ran the race. It sent me updates on his progress, and I could watch him on GPS to see where he was on the course at all times. This made it so much easier to know when he was approaching the finish line and to find him after the race in the enormous crowds.

I was filled with great pride (as well as some emotional pregnancy hormones) as I watched my sweet hubby cross the finish line. This was the farthest he had ever run before and he finished the race in 1 hour and 53 minutes. Pretty good, considering he didn't get to do much training due to getting really sick for a few weeks at the end of January and cutting his forehead open at the end of February. I mostly wanted him to just finish the race without overdoing it and getting injured. He far exceeded my expectations and I am so proud of him.

 Next year, we will be running the race together and I can't wait until March 2015 when I will get my own Gate River Run finisher medal :) 

New Year's Resolutions

I typically write this blog post on New Year's Day, but things were so busy around here for the holidays that I just lost track of time. On top of everything chaotic that has been going on around our house in the past few weeks, the New Year didn't get off to as great of a start as I had originally hoped. I decided to not eat my black eyed peas and collard greens on New Year's Day this year because over these past two years that tradition has been bringing me the complete opposite of good luck and prosperity. Plus, I don't really like black eyed peas anyways, so if they aren't even going to do anything for me, I'm not going to bother trying to enjoy them.

However, by January 2nd, I was definitely ready for a do-over of this New Year already. Jared's truck was stolen from the parking lot at his work. Great. As if we didn't just have two weeks full of unexpected expenses (new washing machine, plumber, broken water filter, etc), now we are going to have to buy a new car. Plus, Jared loved that truck and I loved that truck. It was paid off and since it's was a diesel, we were planning on at least getting another 100,000 miles out of it before getting him another car. So now we have yet another thing to add to our plate, dealing with a rental car while we wait for insurance money on top of researching and purchasing a new vehicle.

I woke up on January 3rd with a positive attitude, knowing that it couldn't possibly be as bad as the day before. Wrong. Jared's mom was over at our house painting the nursery for us and I was getting things done around the house. I let the dogs outside in our fenced in backyard to run around for a little bit and went back to what I was doing. About 10 minutes later, I went to let the dogs back inside. Here comes Lola, but Sadie was no where to be found. I then noticed that the gate to our fence was open and literally almost had a stroke right there in the yard. I then remembered that the bug spray guy had been there a few hours earlier and he must have not closed the gate back all the way when he left (let's just say that bug spray company got an angry phone call after this). I was in a state of panic...not just a normal state of panic, but a pregnant lady state of panic which is much more dramatic and emotional. Sadie is not the kind of dog that just wanders around leisurely or doesn't go far away from you. Like Lola for example...the gate was open, with every opportunity for freedom, and Lola was still sitting by the screen door waiting for me to let her in the house. If given the opportunity, Sadie takes off full speed and doesn't stop. It had been about 10 minutes since I had last seen her, but in that amount of time with her speed, she could be miles away by now. Plus, our house backs up to about 10 yards worth of natural preserve and then there is a state road behind that. I was terrified that she had run out into that busy road and been hit by a car. I just kept thinking, oh my god, first Jared's truck and now his dog is gone. He is going to lose it. I knew there was very little I could do to bring her back, so I just prayed that God would lead us back to each other. I grabbed my mother-in-law and we both took off looking for her. She ran across my neighborhood street towards the lake (Sadie loves to go swimming) and I ran behind our house to the big road. Mind you, since I have an IVF-made pregnancy, running is definitely on the no-no list for me. However, in that moment I completely forgot that I was pregnant and was sprinting as fast as a could. It had recently rained too, so all the yards I was running through were super muddy and it was about 30 degrees outside. I knew that Sadie might not hear or respond to my voice, but there is one thing she never fails to respond to, her hunting whistle. In the field, Jared uses this whistle to call her back to him and I knew that if anything would get her attention, it was that sound. So here I am pregnant and muddy running through my neighbors' yards blowing this hunting whistle, which is insanely loud, when my mother-in-law hears Sadie's bark. She runs toward the bark and yells for me to come in her direction. Some of my neighbors back up to a tree line which divides our neighborhood from other private properties. Her bark was coming from the private acreage behind our neighborhood. So I had to run through some yards, jump over a barbed-wire fence, jump across a ditch full of water and across some random person's property before I came to this redneck-looking guy with all the doors of his truck open and Sadie inside. Not to mention, she was soaking wet. He said that he was outside loading some stuff up in his truck when Sadie came running into his yard. He tried to catch her but she wouldn't come to him because his pit-bull was out there with him, so he went to put his dog inside his house and when he came back out, she was in his truck. Never fails, if the door to a truck is open, Sadie automatically runs towards it and "loads up". Based on her wetness, she obviously took a swim in the lake before wandering over onto his property. However, I was so thankful that she was alright. So we took her back to my house and had to give her a bath in the 30 degree weather since she was already wet from the lake. I was pretty mad at her, but still so happy that she was home safely. Losing the truck the day before was upsetting. Annoying. Inconvenient. But that truck is a material thing that can be replaced. Losing Sadie would have been devastating. She is wild and crazy and pisses me off so bad sometimes, but Jared and I raised her from a puppy for the past 7 years and she is irreplaceable to our family.

Alas, I am getting a little bit of a late start on my New Year's Resolutions. But better late than never, so here they are...  

Exercise

I have been such a bad pregnant lady. I have barely been exercising at all thus far in my pregnancy. Due to IVF, I am so limited on what I can do as far as exercise. Walking is pretty much all I can do, but I haven't even been doing that. When you feel as horrible as I did for the entire first trimester of pregnancy, it is really challenging to get motivated to do anything beside lie on the couch in pain. Now, I am almost halfway through the pregnancy, so this is when exercise is going to become crucial. I want to maintain a healthy pregnancy weight and I need to be in better shape if I want my delivery to not be so difficult. Therefore, I must start a routine of walking regularly. I am going to try my hardest to go for a power walk everyday for the remainder of my pregnancy. Then, after delivery I want to get back into walking and running regularly to lose my baby weight. My goal is to run the Gate River Run in March 2015.

Let Go, And Let God

I used to be the kind of person who got really frustrated if I could not be in control of a situation. And then the last two years of my life happened and I realized that there is a whole lot that I have very little control over. I tried to fight it at first, but after two entire years of trying desperately to control things that are completely out of my control, I decided to just let go. There are so many things that only God has control over, so why should I frustrate myself trying to do His job? He will provide, He will take care of me and only He can do His job, so there's no reason for me to make myself miserable in the process. Things will happen according to God's plan and there is nothing you, nor I, can do to change that. During my IVF, I realized that I was finally beginning to live this truth. Never before had I been totally ok with not having control over a situation and not knowing what the outcome was going to be. I was actually surprised by how well I had learned to let go, and let God take over. One of my resolutions this year is to remind myself of this truth during 2014. There are a lot of things coming up this year that I am going to have very little control over...my labor and delivery, the health of my baby, my ability to breastfeed/care for my baby, and so many other unexpected things that I am sure will come up. While I will do as much research as I can ahead of time to prepare myself as much as possible, there is only so much I can do on my own. The rest is up to God. There is a lot of new and unfamiliar territory ahead of me this year, so I want to remind myself that when I am frustrated, overwhelmed or stressed, I simply need to let go and let God take care of me.

Fertility Journey {Embryo Transfer}

One of the cool things about doing IVF as opposed to conceiving naturally is that you get to be so aware of everything that is going on in your body at all times. You get to actually see every step of the way exactly how your body goes about trying to get pregnant. It is definitely the most fascinating thing I have ever witnessed, no wonder they call it the miracle of life.

After my egg retrieval, the embryologist immediately fertilized the eggs and then monitored them over the next 5 days as the cells divided and the little embryos developed. By day 5, the embryologist had examined and graded each of my embryos based on quality and selected the best one to prepare for transfer.

Many fertility doctors give you the option of how many embryos you want to implant. Majority of women choose to implant two embryos simply because the odds of at least one of them implanting properly becomes much higher. This is where a lot of those twins you see out there in the world come from :) I was reluctant to implant two embryos from the very beginning. Let's be honest, I don't know what the heck to do with one baby, let alone two! I did not want to take a chance on ending up with twins. Especially when my doctor mentioned that based on my young age and good health, putting in two embryos would definitely result in twins for me. No thank you. My doctor also expressed concern that since my ovaries produced so many eggs initially, he was afraid that putting in two embryos would send my body into overdrive and possibly cause serious health risks for me. Therefore, the only logical option here was to simply transfer just one embryo. Heck if this one didn't work, I was on track to have about 15 more chilling in the freezer waiting on me.

On September 16, 2013, I arrived at the IVF clinic (my home away from home for the past 9 months) ready for my embryo transfer. The procedure would not require any medication or anesthesia and Jared and I were going to be able to watch the entire procedure on the ultrasound screen. I was super excited to get to watch this whole thing as it was happening. The only annoying thing about this whole transfer process is that I had to have a full bladder. Like seriously full. I had to drink a ton of water and then sit there and wait while not being allowed to go to the bathroom. Apparently, when your bladder is really full it makes your cervix and uterus lay flat, giving the doctor a straight shot at getting the embryo implanted in the perfect spot.

Into the operating room we went, and they got me all set up with Jared in a chair right next to me. Honest truth, I was terrified that I was going to pee on the doctor. I seriously had to go to the bathroom that badly. The nurse informed me that I surely would not be the first or the last person to pee on the doctor during this procedure. Oh my lord. Good news, I held my own and did not pee on him. Thank goodness, that would have been embarrassing. Once the doctor got me ready and the nurse had the ultrasound on my belly, we had a front row view to the inside of my uterus. In came the embryologist with a catheter which had my one little embryo loaded into it. He handed it off to the doctor and then we all got to watch on the screen as the catheter went in and the embryo was placed in the perfect spot. It was literally the coolest thing I have ever witnessed. Once he took the catheter out, the embryologist inspected it under a microscope to make sure that the embryo was in fact out of there.

Next, I was instructed to lay on the table for another 15 minutes to make sure everything was settled in there before getting up. Everyone else left, leaving Jared and I alone in there with our ultrasound screen soaking in the moment that would hopefully be when our first child was conceived. Me, of course, being me, made Jared hand over his phone so I could snap a photo of the frozen ultrasound screen. If this was really going to be the moment that our child was conceived, I wanted some documentation.

 
The transfer procedure was virtually painless, but I had to take it easy for the next day or so. Unfortunately, my swollen belly continued to stick around for another few days just like the nurse said it would. Then, one day I woke up and my stomach was flat again. So weird.

We were now in the dreaded two week waiting period. For the past 18 months I was so used to waiting through these two weeks with hope and then end up being disappointed. Would this time be different? Or would I be adding yet another negative pregnancy test to my trophy case? I did my best to keep my mind off of the upcoming test date that lingered in my future. The time actually went by pretty fast and I didn't really think about it too much. I think everyone else around me was much more nervous about it than I was. The only thing I was really nervous about was that this time I was not going to be peeing on the stick, I was going in for a blood test. And if you think waiting on the pee stick for 2 minutes is nerve wracking, trying waiting all day for the office to call with the blood results. I was excited/anxious and yet dreading that day.

Finally, the testing day arrived. September 30, 2013. My blood draw took place at 7:00am, along with all the other women who went through this same IVF cycle with me. My IVF nurse informed me that she would be calling me between 12:00 and 4:00 that afternoon with the results. A four hour waiting window? This is a blood test people, not having cable installed. Oh well, I convinced myself that if I could survive the past two weeks of waiting then another couple hours wouldn't kill me. So Jared and I went home to wait it out together...thus commencing the most unproductive day ever. Both of us were too terrified to go anywhere, leave each other's side or do anything where we might miss the call or not be together when the call came in. Alas, we sat on the couch together and watched hours of television, phones in hand. I was so nervous that I was literally on the verge of vomiting the entire time.

A million thoughts kept running through my mind all day. "This is it. No, don't get your hopes up, you're just going to be disappointed. No, be positive. The doctor was very confident that this would work. But then again, he was confident that the other 4 IUIs were going to work too. Don't get too excited just yet. Don't jinx it. What do we do next? How am I going to react?"

I also knew that no matter what the results were, I was going to have some questions for the nurse that I wanted to ask. I went ahead and made two lists of questions. One list of "if it's positive" questions and one list of "if it's negative" questions. I knew that either way I was going to be so overwhelmed and emotional that there was no way I was going to be able to remember my questions or even think straight.

As the hours ticked by, I was about to loose my mind. I would think, "maybe they are saving me until the end of the list because they want to end their day on a good note". Then I would think, "maybe they are saving me until the end because it's bad news and they know that I'm going to have a lot of questions and keep them on the phone for a while". I seriously lost track of what I was thinking and how I was feeling. I originally thought that I had a "gut feeling" one way or the other, but my 3:30pm I had no idea what was going on inside me anymore.

By this point, I was on the edge of the couch. Hell I might not have even been sitting on the couch anymore, I could have possibly been levitating in thin air. I kept telling Jared, "they forgot about me, they forgot about me"! Finally, I said if they don't call by 3:45, I'm calling them. And about two minutes after those words left my mouth, at right around 3:35, I got the call.

Sorry guys, but the English major in me just can't resist this perfect opportunity for a great cliff hanger. Check out my post tomorrow evening for the results.

Fertility Journey {Egg Retrieval}

In my previous September fertility post, I shared all of the prep work that went into beginning our first IVF cycle. Now, it is time for the first of the two surgical procedures. IVF involves a two step process...Step 1: getting the eggs and fertilizing them, and then Step 2: implanting an embryo and praying that it attaches to the wall of the uterus survives.

Our egg retrieval was scheduled for 8:30 in the morning on September 11, 2013. If I remember correctly, something else really important happened around 8:30 in the morning on the 11th of September about 12 years ago. I suppose my body just couldn't possibly pass up this opportunity for dramatic irony. Luckily, this date is not in fact cursed for all eternity because my procedure turned out fine and I was excited that I had the rest of the day off of work so that I could go home and watch all the 9/11 television specials. I'm a history nerd at heart.

That morning, I arrived at the IVF center feeling hungry, bloated, uncomfortable and ready to be done with all of this. Remember, all that medication that had been pumping up my follicles for the past two weeks had left my ovaries gigantic and full of eggs. Not comfortable. I figured that once they removed all the eggs, my ovaries would go back to their normal size and the bloating would subside. I was wrong, very wrong. In fact, retrieving the eggs causes the exact opposite to happen. Fantastic.

The nurses got me all situated in the operating room, IV in place and ready for cocktails. The egg retrieval procedure required me to be under anesthesia which was totally fine with me. The less I know, the better. I feel like having someone jab a giant needle into your ovaries and suck your eggs out repeatedly one at a time is probably not something that one wants to be awake to experience.

The last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist placing the mask over my face and saying "enjoy what will hopefully be your last cocktail hour for the next 9 months". Next thing I know, I wake up in the recovery room feeling not that bad. Jared and my mom came back to recovery to hang out with me and await the results (aka: the final egg count) of the egg retrieval.

 
Only a blogger would make her husband take a picture of her with her iPhone in the recovery room literally moments after waking up. I knew I was going to blog about this process eventually, so I had to get my documentation :)

Once I was in recovery, my eggs were delivered straight to the embryologist in his lab which is literally connected to the operating room. He immediately takes a look at my eggs, counts them up and gives me the results. They we able to retrieve 21 eggs from me! That is a lot. Of course, not all 21 of those eggs are going to fertilize properly or survive, but he is going to attempt to fertilize each one and then see what happens. By the time my results are delivered to me in recovery, the embryologist is already busy at work injecting the sperm into each egg to try and begin the fertilization process.

Now, I get to go home and rest, and begin preparing my body for the next step in the procedure which will take place 5 days later, implanting one of the embryos. Upon leaving the IVF center, I felt fine. A little tired, but no pain or discomfort. This good feeling continued for the next couple hours until whatever medication they had put in my IV began to wear off.

The next morning, I woke up in serious pain feeling crampy and bloated with a weird tightness in my stomach. I took a look in the mirror and this is what I saw...

The night after my procedure, I went to bed with a flat stomach and woke up the next morning looking 4 months pregnant. Uh, this was mildly terrifying. I feel like the nurses need to redefine the term bloating here. "Bloating" is like how my stomach looks after eating one of those multi-course hibachi meals at the Japanese steakhouse. A stomach that is rock hard and looks 4 months pregnant is not what I would simply call "bloating".

The next 4 days were hellacious. This "bloated" stomach of mine was seriously cramping and hurting 24/7. I couldn't find a single comfortable position. I didn't sleep for 4 nights because I was so uncomfortable. Even if I found a comfortable position, it was only tolerable for about 15-20 minutes before I would have to try and find a new position. The nurses told me that all of this was normal. Apparently, the severity of the bloating and cramping depends on how many eggs they retrieve. The more eggs, the more invasive; therefore, more recovery and pain. I was informed that my 21 eggs were sure to bring pain and discomfort at the top of the severity threshold and they surely did.

On day 3 after my egg retrieval procedure, the doctor called to inform me that 16 of my eggs fertilized successfully and were growing as they should be. That is still a really high number and I was very excited that my eggs (now embryos) were doing well. This egg retrieval nonsense is definitely something that I only want to go through once in my life, so I needed as many of those eggs as possible to fertilize.

At this point, I was on yet another intense medication regimen. Only this time, no injections. I was taking Doxycycline (oral) twice a day, Estradiol (oral) twice a day, Medrol (oral) once a day, low dose aspirin (oral) once a day, two prenatal vitamins (oral) once a day and Crinone (neither oral, nor injection, I'll let you use your imagination on that one. Yeah, it's gross) once a day. I had to create myself a little calendar with just my medications on it to keep up with all this stuff.

I also decided that I wanted to know how much this bloated belly of mine really weighed because it felt like I was carrying around a giant weight on my stomach. I had weighed myself on the morning of my egg retrieval procedure and now, 4 days later, I was weighing 10 pounds heavier! No wonder this belly was so uncomfortable, it weighed ten whole pounds. Unfortunately, the nurse told me that this belly was probably going to still be hanging around even a few days after my embryo transfer (procedure #2). Great.

Being at work during this time was an absolute nightmare. I felt like crap, I was in constant pain and my students endlessly made fun of my belly. They kept badgering me nonstop, asking if I was pregnant, telling me I looked like a kangaroo, etc. It was very irritating. Middle schoolers are so cruel.

I was starting to think about how ironic it is that one of the side effects of IVF is this swollen, pregnant-looking belly. It forces a woman who is desperate to become pregnant to look pregnant without actually being pregnant so that people who have no manners can continuously ask that woman if she is pregnant. Oh that's healthy for a woman who is probably already feeling mentally and emotionally unstable. I seriously can't even tell you how many people came up to me during this time and asked me if I was pregnant, and I so desperately wanted to punch each one of them. Harsh, but true.

Despite the pain and emotional trauma, I had to try and stay positive. I needed to be calm and stress-free. I prayed and prayed that my little eggs were growing into strong embryos, that the upcoming embryo transfer would be successful and that I might finally have the results I had been so desperately hoping for. At this point, there was nothing more I could do. It was in God's hands now and all I could do was pray.

Coming up next post...the embryo transfer procedure and the two week waiting game.

Fertility Journey {September}

The month of September brought on a huge range of emotions for me. I was coming off of my end of summer "why the hell can't we just get pregnant" depression. I was excited and anxious for the upcoming IVF cycle because I knew that by doing this procedure our chances of conceiving would jump from about 20% to around 75%. I was also extremely nervous about what was to come. What if this IVF doesn't work? What happens next? IVF is very invasive, potentially dangerous and super expensive. It's not something that your want to put your mind, body or wallet through very many times. Here is a little background information on In Vitro Fertilization in case you aren't familiar with the process.

My September drug regimen began with two very large injections every night. One of them being a low dose of the pregnancy hormone hCG and the other being Follistim. The Follistim is nothing new for me, as I took it with each of my previous IUI procedures. However, this time I was taking a massive dose of it. The idea here is to pump up the follicles on my ovaries and get them to produce as many eggs as possible during this one cycle. Typically, a woman releases one egg per cycle. We were trying to get my body to release somewhere between 10-15 eggs at once. Pumping my ovaries up in this way comes with its fair share of risks which is why I was in the fertility doctor's office every three days for an ultrasound to make sure everything was progressing as it should.

The complication that I was most worried about was over-stimulation. This is when your ovaries become far too over stimulated due to the medication and your belly fills with fluid. If this happens, your belly grows to be about as big as someone who is full-term in pregnancy and you have to have a giant needle drain the fluid from your belly multiple times before it will go away. If this happens, you have to cancel the entire IVF cycle and it can be life-threatening to the woman. I was absolutely terrified that this was going to happen to me. Thankfully, I avoided this complication and everything went smoothly.

As the follicles on my ovaries multiplied and grew, the doctor continued to monitor me even more closely. We have to wait until the follicles get to be a certain size before they can go in and retrieve the eggs. The problem here is that once the follicles become a certain size, my body will try to release the eggs naturally. That would be bad. It would ruin our whole process and we would have to start over next month. So the key here is beating my body to the punch. Waiting long enough for them to be ready, but then getting the eggs out before my body tries to release them on its own.

As we inched closer and closer to retrieval time, I had to add another injection to my nightly shot regimen. The purpose of this medication was to prevent my body from trying to release the eggs too early. We were seriously messing with my body here...forcing it to get all these extra eggs ready and then making it hold on to them and not release them even though they are ready to ovulate. My poor body was probably like, WTF? Now, on to the Ganirelix. Thankfully, I only had to take this injection 4 times because it was horrible. The nurse warned me ahead of time that this particular shot would feel like a bee sting when I injected it. This, of course, meant nothing to me because I've never been stung by a bee so I have no idea what that feels like. Being someone who already is uneasy about shots, I should have known that this was a recipe for disaster. The first night I had to do this shot, I decided to give it to myself. I had been giving myself all of my other shots for months now, so I didn't think it was a big deal. Bad idea. I stuck the needle into my stomach, pressed the medication in and all of a sudden felt the shot singe throughout my entire body. I barely got the needle out of my stomach and onto the counter before I could no longer see what was going on. Luckily, Jared was standing right there and caught me. My stomach was burning. I don't know what a bee sting feels like, but if it feels like someone lit a match and then pressed it directly onto your skin, then yes that is what this felt like. I was putting so much pressure on the injection site, but it continued to burn. I felt extremely nauseous and light headed. I couldn't tell if I was going to throw up or pass out or both. I literally laid on the couch holding holding my stomach for the next half hour feeling like death. Luckily, I had already given myself the other two shots first because I could not have possibly tolerated any more needles for the night after that.

When it was time for my Ganirelix shot the next night, I was dreading it. I was so terrified that I was going to have the same reaction again, but it wasn't as bad that time now that I knew what to expect. The injection site stung for about 10 minutes but then it went away. I didn't feel nauseous or faint which was a definite improvement from the night before. Thankfully, I only had to do 4 of those dreaded injections, but nonetheless I survived proving once again that this infertility crap continues to make me stronger whether I like it or not.

That first weekend in September was also my last weekend of food, alcohol and caffeine freedom. I am so happy that all the breweries decided to bring out their fall beers early enough so that my last beers could be pumpkin flavored ones. I was told by my doctor that from that point on, I was on the pregnancy diet and I had to act like a pregnant woman. Let me tell you, the idea of giving up alcohol, caffeine, certain foods and exercise on nothing more concrete than the hunch that I may or may not possibly get pregnant in the next few weeks was a little daunting. At least when you know you are actually pregnant, you have some concrete motivation. I had already done the pregnancy diet four times this year (with each of my IUIs) for what turned out to be absolutely nothing. However, I had come this far and I was about to put myself through a whole heck of a lot, so I was going all in. After that doctor's appointment, I went home, drank a Diet Coke and a pumpkin beer and then never looked back. For the rest of the month of September, I never once thought about or even wanted caffeine or alcohol. I was determined and committed to doing everything in my power to make this work.

By the second week in September, the eggs were all ready to go and it appeared as though there were going to be a lot of them. I was like the Easter bunny with a basket full of eggs in my belly. At this point in the process, my ovaries were so full of medication and eggs that I felt like I was going to pop. I was super bloated and my stomach just felt full all the time. I constantly could feel my ovaries cramping up and moving around in there and I was ready for these eggs to be out. The nurse informed me that, in fact, it only gets worse once the eggs are out. Great, something to look forward to. Either way, I was ready to get this show on the road and put my eggs in the hands of the embryologist so that he could work his magic. Three very large injections stood between me and egg retrieval. Two doses of Lupron (the dosage is so large that you have to use two different syringes to get it all in) and one dose of Ovidrel was the ticket to getting my body ready to ovulate. Once I took these injections (the doctor informed me that I had to take them at the exact specified time I was assigned), I would be in the operating room exactly 35 hours later for retrieval. This game is all a matter of precise timing and if we missed our allotted retrieval window, we would have to start all over again some other time. That's not nerve-wracking or anything.

Coming up next post...the egg retrieval procedure. Do you think it's a bad omen to have surgery scheduled on a holiday that memorializes the tragic day our nation was attacked by terrorists? Let's just say, I was anything by thrilled about this unfortunate timing coincidence.

Fertility Journey {August}

Does anyone else feel like this fertility journey of mine is never-ending? Trust me y'all, that's exactly how I felt majority of this time too. August was still part of our "fertility treatment down time" as my body was trying to rid itself from the estrogen-producing cyst that made it's debut at the end of June. Rude.

The entire month of July was medication free, but in August the doctor informed me that I was going to start a medication to help my body prepare for our scheduled September IVF cycle. Oh starting medication already? Yes! Progress! And yet, not what I expected...but, birth control. Wait, what?!!! Seriously, birth control pills? Isn't that like the complete opposite of what we are trying to do here? At first, I thought my fertility doctor was insane. All this time we have been trying to get pregnant and now he wants me to take pills that will prevent me from getting pregnant? This just didn't make any sense. I was starting to think that this doctor was a nut-job. Then again, who am I to judge? This man has managed to "conceive" over 5,000 babies and I can't manage to conceive one...I better take his advice.

Come to find out, birth control pills actually do serve a vital purpose in the IVF process. Could have fooled me. Warning: the medical explanation I am about to give is probably not even remotely close to accurate (remember, I was an English major y'all), but this is how I understood it as it was explained to me. My body has problems cycling properly when it is not being controlled by medication (such as birth control pills or fertility treatment hormones). Alas, the reason we could not get pregnant on our own. Reason #1 for the BC pills was to help my body get on a regular cycle before we began the IVF procedure. In addition, I had this estrogen-producing cyst that was causing the estrogen levels in my body to escalate to very high levels which is not good for starting an IVF cycle. Before you begin an IVF cycle, they want your hormone levels to be very low. This is because they are about to pump you up full of hormones, so they want to start out at ground zero and build up from there. Pumping your body full of hormones when your hormone levels are already fairly high is very dangerous. Therefore, reason #2 for the BC pills was to get my hormone levels down nice and low. We used the BC pills almost like a hormone cleanse to get my body all cleaned out and ready to start fresh with new hormones. And it totally worked.

Well that was a poor explanation on my part, but once it was explained to me by the doctor it seemed logical enough so I jumped on board. I religiously took my birth control pills for the month of August and enjoyed what I was hoping would be my final month of alcohol/caffeine/exercise freedom. A new school year had also started by this point which I was less than excited about, but I was confident that we were going to get pregnant this year and that this would be the last school year I would have to worry about for a while.

At the end of the month, we went back to the doctor for a baseline scan. The baseline scan is an ultrasound that they do before you begin the medications to make sure there are no cysts or complications that could prevent you from successfully beginning the cycle. I was so nervous for this appointment. I had this exact same appointment back in June, which was when I received the devastating news that we would have to postpone our IVF cycle to September due to that evil estrogen-producing cyst. Here I was again at a crossroads. Either everything would be fine and I would start my IVF medications in preparation for the September cycle, or that pesky cyst would still be there crushing my dreams.

Luckily, when we went in for the scan the cyst appeared to be gone and my hormone levels were exactly where they should be. Hooray! We were finally ready to begin our IVF cycle!!!! It was time to prepare myself for what was to come over the next month, a lot of pain and discomfort, and a multitude of large injections everyday. I was ready and I didn't care how bad/painful/uncomfortable it was going to be, I was determined to do whatever I could to make this work. Here goes nothing!

The "September" fertility journey post is going to be split up into multiple posts. I want to share each and every step of the IVF cycle and there is so much information to share, it would be way too overwhelming for one post. If you thought that things have been intense and emotional up to this point, just wait till you see what happens next. IVF is not for the weak or faint-hearted, that's for sure.

Fertility Journey {July}

As the month of June came to a close, I was depressed. Literally. I was devastated that we had to cancel our IVF cycle that was originally scheduled for July. I had been so looking forward to July and now I didn't know what the heck I was going to do with myself all month. The doctor told us that due to the cyst, we would not be able to reschedule our IVF cycle until September. What?! September?!!! That was two months away and I was pissed, to say the least.

The doctor ordered that I was to completely go off of all my medications for the entire month of July and let my body sort of cleanse itself from all those hormones. The bad news was that we would be making absolutely zero progress in the pregnancy department this month which had me annoyed. The good news...I could do whatever I wanted. When going through one of these treatment cycles I am not allowed to exercise or be out in the heat, I have to cut back on my caffeine and cut out alcohol completely during certain times. So I decided to take the high road and make the most of my month off. A month full of laying in the sun on the beach with my cooler full of beer was not seeming like such a terrible way to have to cope with this minor set back. I was ready to take full advantage of doing all the things I haven't been able to do for the past 6 months, and some running, sun bathing and Sam Adams Summer Ale sounded like the perfect way to cleanse my body of my fertility hormones.

At the beginning of July, I was still trying to get over the initial anger and disappointment of having to cancel our IVF cycle. So Jared and I decided to take a little trip up to his family cabin in North Carolina. Far away from cell phone signals, Facebook, TV and anything that would remind me of my fertility treatments or stress at home. This trip was exactly what I needed to relax and recover from the past 6 months of fertility treatment hell. I was most excited about all the things I was able to do that I would have normally been putting on hold during fertility treatments. We spent 4 days enjoying the mountains, hiking, and trying local breweries. You can read about my trip here: North Carolina {Day 1}, North Carolina {Day 2}, North Carolina {Day 3}, North Carolina {Day 4}

We hiked trails, rivers, and waterfalls all over the Great Smoky Mountain National Park, including one of my life bucket list items, the Appalachian Trail! We would end each day swinging together on the front porch of the cabin enjoying a local brew, feeling blessed that maybe God forced this "break" in fertility treatments upon us for a reason. 

I decided that if I was going to survive this month at home alone (during the day) everyday and try to not think about my fertility issues 24/7, that I better pour all my energy and stress into some activity. I have always wanted to run a 5k, but I have never been a runner. Every time I have tried to achieve this goal (another bucket list item of mine) I would just end up realizing how badly I suck at running and quit 2 weeks in. July finally presented itself as the perfect opportunity for me to learn how to run. Once I started fertility treatments again I wasn't going to be allowed to run, once I got pregnant I wasn't going to be allowed to run and once I actually had the kid I probably wouldn't have the time or energy to want to run. I saw my goal being pushed years and years into the future and possibly never actually happening, so I decided that this was the time. God granted me all this free time with no physical restrictions for an entire month, so I better take advantage of this opportunity. 

This ended up being a great idea. I ran every morning Monday-Friday for the entire month of July. I started off barely being able to run at all, mostly walking and jogging a few short intervals. This was the best therapy for my situation. At that time, I wasn't really talking about or blogging about my fertility treatments so I had no way to expel all the stress and anger I had built up inside of me over the months. I found that in running. As the month went on, I was able to run for longer intervals and it was just getting easier. When I would start to get tired, I would just keep telling myself to go a little further. I kept saying to myself, if you can endure month after month of those fertility treatments, you can run this extra quarter mile. As I kept that mentality everyday, my runs got faster and my distance longer. 

As race day neared, my ultimate goal was to run the entire 5k race without stopping or walking. I didn't care how fast I ran the race, I just wanted to RUN the entire distance. You can read about my race day experience here: My First 5k

I did run that entire race, keeping in mind the entire time that it might be years before I have the opportunity to do this again and that if I can overcome all this fertility crap then I can finish this race. I RAN that race in 36:15, never stopping or walking. I was proud of myself and had a renewed sense of determination to fight on and not let my fertility issues ruin my life. 

So although we made no progress as far as fertility and getting pregnant during the month of July, I made a lot of personal progress toward getting myself healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. 

Fertility Journey {June}

The month of June took quite a toll on me mentally and emotionally. The end of the school year was upon me and I was very upset that we were still not pregnant. Our plan has always been that once we have our first kid, I will become a stay at home mom. Therefore, I had been thinking all along that we were going to get pregnant during this past school year and that it would be my last year teaching for a while. Well, now it was June and we still weren't pregnant which meant that I would probably be returning in August for another school year which I was anything but thrilled about. Let me tell you, being around kids all day long is not mentally healthy for someone who is experiencing what I am going through. Especially when those same kids do not have the kind of support at home that I know I would provide for my own child, if only I could be blessed with one. It literally tears me up inside every single day that I am at work. In addition to feeling unsure about work, Jared was out of the country for 9 days in South America, my mother-in-law had knee surgery and needed to be cared for, and at the end of the month we would receive devastating news about our fertility treatments. Get ready, June was a roller-coaster ride of emotions to say the least.

School ended and I tried to forget about my uneasiness in that department, figuring that I would deal with that when August rolled around. Jared was out of the country and I was trying to cope with my most recent negative pregnancy test. Jared's mom went in for knee surgery and ended up having to stay with us for over two weeks. I believe that her surgery ended up being my saving grace during this month. Acting as her caregiver, gave me a new sense of purpose. I was concerned with her pain and comfort 24/7 instead of my own, what a blessing in disguise. Having her around not only brought us closer, but it kept me entertained and distracted from constantly thinking about my fertility problems.

This month brought a lot of prep work that needed to be done so we would be ready for our July IVF cycle. First on the agenda was genetic testing. The doctor wants to make sure that I don't carry genes for any types of genetic diseases that I could pass on to one of my embryos. This was a very interesting process. All I had to do was spit into this special tube and mail it off to a lab. I couldn't believe that they can figure out if I carry a gene for a genetic disease through my spit. Fascinating. I must admit that waiting for the results of this test was very nerve-wracking. However, everything checked out great and I am not a carrier for anything! Things were finally starting to look up and I was already feeling more positive.

Next, I had to do a full blood panel to check for all kinds of blood-borne pathogens and diseases that I could pass on to my embryos. At first, this was a disaster and I had to go through the run-around with LabCorp. I had to do my test on a specific date and LabCorp was anything but helpful. They didn't take my insurance and didn't inform me of this until I was already there, they were rude and inconsiderate and I almost had an emotional breakdown in the middle of their waiting room. They sent me over the Quest Diagnostics, who only had one office open that day (it was a Saturday) and it was on the other side of town. My mother-in-law was still in the hospital at this point, having had her surgery the day before and I was feeling super stressed out. Of course I didn't have an appointment because I had no clue I would be going to Quest, so I had to join the line of about 25 people in their waiting room. Plus, I was anxious about having to get my blood drawn and Jared was on an international flight at the same time so I was just a basket case. Luckily, Quest was awesome. They were fast, compassionate and had great customer service. The nurse got my blood on the first poke (thank God) and then had to draw 7 viles of blood. Seven! I started feeling light headed and nauseous, but she took care of me and made sure that I was ok before she moved on to her next patient. Quest Diagnostics gets a huge thumbs up in my book. Thankfully, all my blood work came back fine so I was ready to move on to the next step.

We also had to do a "trial transfer" this month which is where the doctor essentially does a practice round of the IVF implantation before the real thing. It's really easy and painless and helps the doctor make sure that they are able to get the catheter (which will have the embryo in it) into the right place in order to implant it properly. They want to make sure that doing this procedure is actually going to be possible before they get your body all medicated and ready to go for the real thing. In doing a trial transfer, they insert the catheter into the uterus and watch it on the ultrasound screen. They inject dye into the catheter where the embryo would be and then watch to make sure that it goes to the right place via the ultrasound. The trial transfer went great and I liked having peace of mind that when it came down to putting the real embryo in I knew we wouldn't have any issues.

Another thing I had to do this month was more injections. It is important to get my body neutralized before we begin IVF. They want my estrogen levels as low as possible before starting the IVF medication. Therefore, I had to use Lupron injections to depress the hormone levels in my body. These were unlike other injections I had done before because they were not pre-filled or in an injection pen. We would have to draw out the correct dose ourselves and then inject it properly. This was all well and good until I had to go out of town for a long weekend without Jared. That meant I would have to learn how to give the injections to myself. I was terrified. Although I had come a long way, I still did not like needles and the thought of having to stab myself was nauseating. However, there was no other option. I had to do it myself. The first time I had to do it, I drank an entire glass of wine to calm myself down before doing it and it totally worked. Once I had done it one time and overcome that fear, I was fine. From that moment on, I did all of my injections myself. Another proud moment. Another form of adversity that I have overcome through this process.

At this point everything was looking up. I was feeling more positive, proud of myself, confident, and hopeful for the IVF procedure that lie ahead of us. I had come a long way and I was finally feeling good about everything.

I received all of my IVF medication in the mail and was ready to go. Here is was $4,000 worth of IVF medication looks like. Thanks to our insurance we only had to pay 10% of that amount, but I was still shocked when I saw the bill. I also couldn't believe that within only a 2 week period, I was going to be taking all of this medication.

We had one last thing to do before we could begin the IVF cycle medications, a baseline scan. The baseline scan is an ultrasound that they do before you begin the medications to make sure there are no cysts or complications that could prevent you from successfully beginning the cycle. I went in for my scan at the end of June and we were scheduled to start the IVF medications a few days later. They did the scan and didn't see anything that looked suspect. They did a blood draw as well to check my hormone levels. It is important that my hormone levels are very low before they begin pumping all that medication into me.

Later that afternoon, I got a phone call. The nurse was shocked that my hormone levels were more than 4 times what they should be. She said I would need to come back the next day for a re-scan and another blood draw to see what was going on. She said that unless my hormone levels came down, I would not be allowed to start my IVF medication. I was distraught, but still trying to be hopeful that this was just a fluke and that a re-draw would show that everything was ok.

I went back the next day for another ultrasound and blood draw. As I lay there on the table looking at the ultrasound screen (which I have become quite good at reading I must say), they moved around trying to see if there was anything hiding behind my bladder or my ovaries. Finally, I saw it. A gigantic black mass that appeared to be about the size of a softball. What was it? An estrogen producing cyst. In my mind, this was a nuclear bomb that had just exploded on my IVF cycle. The blood results confirmed that my hormone levels had continued to climb even higher and that this cyst was growing and producing more estrogen as we speak. This meant one thing to me. No IVF cycle. I was absolutely devastated.

I was going to have to go off of all medications and wait until the cyst disappeared before we could do any further treatments. I was heart-broken, crushed, devastated, hopeless and so much more. I didn't know what to do or how to feel. Thankfully, this happened over the summer when I didn't have to go to work or worry about any of that. I wanted desperately to know what was going to happen next and when could we move forward. But all I could do was wait. The last thing a person who has been trying to conceive for 15 months wants to do is wait, but that was my only option.