Fertility Journey {April}

I sincerely apologize if these fertility posts are getting depressing. However, I want to be open and honest about this entire process. I want to portray exactly how I was feeling during that particular time and I must admit that most of the time, it was hopeless and depressing. I am sorry if all of this comes across as whiny or annoying, but for so many months I've been longing to let all of this out.

April not only brought another unsuccessful month of treatments, but also a birthday for me. Turning 26 was fine, other than the fact that it was a harsh reminder that I had now turned another year older and was still not pregnant. I know what you are thinking...26 isn't old, you still have plenty of time to get pregnant. I know that. However, I was still only 24 when we started trying and I never imagined that by my 26th birthday I wouldn't already have a baby or at least be pregnant. Plus, I got to spend my 26th birthday at the doctor's office which is where I seem to be spending all of my free time lately. One of the nurses actually offered to set me up a cot in the back room. When you work in a fertility clinic, you have to have a good sense of humor. I can't imagine dealing with that many infertile women all day long. God bless that office staff. I also set an office record on that day, my birthday. It took 6 pokes, 4 different locations on my body (left arm, right arm, left hand and right hand), 3 different nurses and 1 nurse practitioner to actually get my blood drawn. I told you I'm a hard stick. And I told you I was infamous in that office.

If nothing else, this journey has made me into a completely different person. It has made me tougher not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. It has given me a lot of perspective on who I am, what I want and what my priorities are. A year ago, I couldn't get a shot in the doctor's office. Now, I can give myself multiple injections at a time and get my blood drawn twice a week. I can get through any sickness, allergy attack, pain or physical ailment with zero medication. A year ago, I would have told you that my number one priority was work, and I was more concerned with pleasing other people and taking care of their needs before my own. In fact, my own physical, mental and emotional health was at the very bottom of my list. Now, my body is the most important priority in my life.

I still can't believe that by 26, my entire perspective on becoming a parent and getting pregnant has so drastically changed. Who ever thinks that they aren't going to conceive their first child in some romantic and intimate way? As young girls, do we sit around dreaming about the day we fall in love and then have to go to the doctor to have a tube inject a baby into us? Uh, no. That was a harsh reality I had to face. My child is going to be conceived in a doctor's office. It's not ideal, but that is my reality and there is nothing wrong with that. It was a tough pill to swallow, but I've tried to remain hopeful.

I thought that April was going to be my lucky month, being my birthday month and all. I was determined to make this IUI thing work this month. That first one was like a dress rehearsal, this was going to be the real thing. This month we jumped right into the injections, starting out slowly with shots every other day. Of course my body is stubborn, so obviously a simple low dose of hormones was not going to do the trick. Part of fertility treatments is figuring out which concoction of medication is going to get your body to react the way they want it to. I was like a walking science experiment. Finally, we progressed to doing the injections every day which seemed to actually get things moving in the right direction. Once the injections get your body (aka: ovaries) exactly where the doctor/nurses want them, then you get to give yourself a trigger shot which is a nice big needle that forces your body to ovulate when they want it to so that they can make sure they do the IUI at the exact right time. Modern medicine is pretty nifty and I thank God for it everyday.

This month's IUI went just like the one before. It was awkward, uncomfortable and I spent a solid 15 minutes after the procedure writhing on the table in pain. It does give me a good reason to lay around on the couch for the rest of day doing nothing, so that's nice...even if I have to be in pain while doing it. Just shows you what I am willing to do to get out of having to grade papers.

I'm sure you know where this goes from here. We wait two weeks and then it's another negative pregnancy test for the books. So much for April being my lucky month, huh?

By this point in our treatments, things were really starting to go downhill for me mentally and emotionally. Work was stressful, life was stressful and I just couldn't understand why nothing we tried was working. I was the perfect candidate for a successful IUI. I'm young, healthy and I have good eggs. They just happen to be stubborn little chicks who don't want to let the boys in to fertilize them. Rude. I'm really gonna need my eggs to start being a little more promiscuous here.

It didn't make sense. We just couldn't figure out why the IUIs weren't working. I really thought that this IUI was going to work, and when it didn't I had no idea what to do next. The doctor encouraged me to try another IUI before moving on to IVF because he said sometimes it takes a few of them before you get one that works. We decided that probably sounded like the most logical plan, so we agreed to pick up the pieces once again and start another cycle.