Year in Review

On the final day of 2012, I wrote a post very similar to this one. I kissed 2012 goodbye (and good riddance) and welcomed 2013 with open arms and hope for a better year. What you may not have known about last year's post was that I was hurting. I was writing that post trying to make 2012 not sound as bad as it was for me, but I was just hiding my real feelings because I wasn't ready to talk about them. I was pissed. I was upset that my dad was gone. I was angry and pissed off that Jared and I had tried to get pregnant for all of 2012 with zero success. I pretended that life was great and although I still enjoyed a lot of wonderful experiences, on the inside I was struggling.

So I have decided that this year, I'm not holding back. My intention is not to complain or throw myself a pity party, but I know what it's like to portray a life that looks "all put together" on the outside, but is an emotional mess on the inside. So here we go...not the "rainbows and sunshine" version of my year, but the real 2013.

January

We rang in the New Year with friends in Jacksonville. My New Year's Resolution was the run a 5k (which I did accomplish yay!) and my secret New Year's Resolution was to get pregnant (which I also did!).

We surprised Mark for his birthday when we showed up for a visit in Fort Lauderdale. 

I finally got to meet Miss Ava on this trip which was so exciting, but also extremely painful. After a solid year of trying to get pregnant with zero success, meeting new babies is always a struggle. I was so happy and excited for our friends, but also extremely jealous (remember, I said we were being honest here). Luckily, the McGuires are very good friends of ours who knew from the beginning exactly what we were going through. They were so supportive of our journey and allowed me to talk about pregnancy and fertility freely and openly all on my terms. It was extremely helpful and I thank them immensely for being so understanding of my feelings.

February

We attended the wedding of our friends, Mike and Emily. 

Emily was officially added to the Kappa Sigma Wives Club!

Jared and I officially became members of our church and made the decision to join an awesome small group. This was probably the best decision we made this year. I firmly believe that the power of group prayer is what got me through IVF and what got us pregnant. I never would have survived this year without my faith.

March

Jared and I went on a day trip to Epcot to drink around the world after finding out that our first intrauterine insemination (IUI) did not work and before beginning the next IUI cycle.

I began my second term as President of our local Phi Mu Alumnae Chapter. 

We celebrated Heather's upcoming wedding and St. Patrick's Day with her bachelorette party in Orlando.

I spent my entire Spring Break exploring all the best local hikes and enjoying the outdoors. Once again, I was trying to get my mind off of another failed IUI treatment, and focus on the good things in life. Easier said than done.

Jared's mom and I climbed to the top of the St. Augustine lighthouse! Even after living in this area my entire life, I had never been to the top of this lighthouse. It was a great view of this beautiful place we live in. 

Physical exercise is something that I was not allowed to do during my fertility treatments, so anytime I had a break from treatments I filled my spare time with all the things I couldn't do during them. Aka: physical activity and cocktails :)

We celebrated Easter at our house. Notice my curly hair...due to the fact that I had done my 3rd IUI the day before and was in so much pain that I couldn't bare to hold my arms over my head and straighten my hair.

April

We celebrated Gina's (my mother-in-law) birthday by taking her zip-lining at the Alligator Farm. I stayed on the ground and took pictures of everyone else because I couldn't participate due to my recent IUI.

St. Augustine celebrated it's 500th Anniversary and the landing of Ponce de Leon. I love living in such a historical place.

Heather and her bridesmaids at her bridal shower.

My bestie came to visit me, so we went frolicking around St. Augustine as usual. 

May

We took the moms to Epcot for the Flower and Garden Festival for Mother's Day. It was a beautiful day and we had so much fun together. After Epcot, we went back to my mom's beach condo for the rest of the weekend. I had to take a pregnancy test on actual Mother's Day to find out if our most recent IUI worked. The test was negative, so we went and drank beers on the beach. Laying in the sand, watching the the ocean and drinking a beer made me feel so much better.

Jared and I were both honored to be a part of Josh and Heather's wedding day. 

Celebrating Memorial Day at the beach condo and enjoying what would hopefully be my last cocktails before our final attempt at IUI.

June

I received my Teacher of the Year award. 

I finished my 4th year of teaching. I also discovered that while I was good at teaching, I was really unhappy at my job. The stress of teaching in a Title 1 school on top of the stress of fertility treatments had taken a serious toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. I had been hiding and suppressing all these feelings for the entire school year and I was ready for summer to try and pull myself back together. 

Our annual mother-daughter-aunt beach weekend at the condo. 

Jared and my brother went on a hunting trip in South America. I am so happy that Jared got to go on this amazing trip with my brother. The only downside was that I had to take a pregnancy test while he was away to find out that our final IUI was unsuccessful. 

Jared's mom had a partial knee replacement so I took care of her. Focusing on her and her needs for two weeks was great at helping me forget about all my failed fertility treatments. Plus, it was a fun bonding experience for the two of us. 

We were preparing to begin an in vitro fertilization (IVF) cycle in July, but we found out at the end of June that we were going to have to cancel the cycle due to a cyst in my uterus. I was devastated. My sister-in-law, Melissa, took me horseback riding at her barn when I found out. I had been wanting to go riding at her barn for a while, but never could due to fertility treatments. When I found out we were going to have to take a two month break from treatments, off to the barn we went.

Mom and I went to Chattanooga, Tennessee to celebrate a baby shower for our family friends. 

July

Jared and I celebrated the 4th of July at the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina. 

Hiking and exploring in the Great Smoky Mountains!

Jared and I spent a long weekend up in the mountains of North Carolina at his family's cabin. After all this fertility drama and a rough 2013 thus far, I wanted to get away. So we escaped to the mountains. No cell phone signal, no air conditioning, no internet, nothing but the outdoors and us. It was exactly what I needed to start feeling like myself again.

Knowing that we would be doing an IVF cycle in September, I wanted to enjoy all the things I wouldn't be able to do once we started IVF and possibly got pregnant. We hiked mountains, climbed waterfalls, drank beer at all the local breweries. It was prefect.

I was also ecstatic to accomplish one of my major Bucket List items, hiking part of the Appalachian Trail!

Jared decided that I needed some bestie time because he was worried about how all this fertility crap was affecting me, as he should have been because I was hurting. So I joined Casey at her work conference in Cocoa Beach, which sounds lame but was an absolute blast. I laid on the beach with fruity cocktails while she attended meetings and then I got to join her for a behind the scenes tour of Kennedy Space Center. It was so cool. I love educational stuff.

The moment I found out that we would have to take a two month break from fertility treatments, I started running. I knew that this was my opportunity to accomplish something I have always wanted to do, run an entire 5k. It was my New Year's Resolution and something that has been on my Bucket List for years. Plus, running ended up being some amazing, head-clearing therapy for me. Every day I would run a little farther, and each time I started to feel tired and wanted to quit I would say to myself, "think of all the shit you have been through, you can do anything, you are so much stronger than you ever thought you were, you can run a little farther, keep running." And before I knew it I could run the entire distance of a 5k. As I crossed the finish line at the race, I started crying. I remember thinking to myself as I approached the finish line, "screw you fertility, I won't let you defeat me. A month ago I couldn't run half a mile and look I just ran an entire 5k, so screw you because I will win this battle." I don't think I've ever been more proud of myself.

August

I had my first "authentic" casino experience in Biloxi, Mississppi. I've been in a casino before, but this was the first time I was actually old enough to gamble and drink in one.

We celebrated Stephen and Lauren's wedding in Biloxi!

I started my 5th year of teaching and wanted nothing more than to not be there. I didn't want to be in the classroom anymore, I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom by now. I was also really nervous about having to go through IVF with an audience of middle schoolers everyday. As expected, it did not go well.

We celebrated my sister-in-law, Erika, on her birthday!

September

I celebrated Labor Day as my last weekend of freedom before beginning IVF. 

First FSU football game of the season and what would be my final beer until June 2014. 

I endured my first (and only, thank God) IVF cycle. It was a very difficult, painful and trying experience and I commend any woman who has ever had to endure it, especially more than once.

However, I wouldn't let IVF keep me from my FSU football :) 

September 30, 2013 - The day we found out that we were pregnant! After 19 months of trying to get pregnant, our prayers were finally answered. This was a very exciting and emotional day. I will never forget that feeling of knowing that all I had been through was not in vain and that is was finally all over. For once, I didn't have that feeling of "where do we go from here?" I finally knew where we were going and our path was finally clear. It was such an amazing feeling. However, no matter how great I felt, I couldn't help but think about all the other women out there who are still in fertility limbo. I pray for those women every single day. Nothing can prepare you for infertility and nothing can make you feel better about it. It is terrifying and devastating, but I hope that all those women who have to go on this journey will eventually find their own way to make a family, whether that be fertility treatments or surrogate or adoption. Pregnancy and parenthood is such a blessing and we should not take a moment of it for granted. 

October

Baby Roche's first FSU game. Looks like she ended up being our little good luck charm for the season!

We participated in the Out of the Darkness walk for Suicide Prevention in honor of my dad. 

We celebrated Baby Joseph at MaryAnn's baby shower. We are adding quite a few new babies to our group over the coming months and I am so excited to be a part of that!

We let our secret out and announced the coming of Baby Roche! I was a little apprehensive to do an announcement like this at first. I remember all those times that I signed on to Facebook, just to discover that another person I knew was pregnant when I still was not. It was like a slap in the face every single time. I know so many people who are still trying to get pregnant and I did not want my successful pregnancy to make them feel bad because I know that feeling all too well. However, I have spent a lot of time, money, emotions and pain to get to this point and I wanted to celebrate our success. I knew that these people who are my friends would know that I'm not trying to rub my pregnancy in their face, but that I want to celebrate my joy and let the world know that there is hope for women with fertility problems. And for right now, maybe they do hate me for getting pregnant before them and I don't blame them because I felt that way many times about my own friends' pregnancies, but there is nothing I can do about that and there is nothing wrong with those feelings so I will just continue to pray for their journey and hope for the best for them.   

November

We celebrated Miss Ava's 1st birthday in Fort Lauderdale. 

My mom hosted Thanksgiving at her house and I had my first experience with maternity jeans...what a glorious invention. I might be wearing them for Thanksgiving every year from now on, even when I'm not pregnant.

FSU Homecoming with my Phi Mu family + 1 new legacy coming in June!

December

Girls' night out at the Festival of Lights 5k 

I started volunteering at our church and decorated the entire sanctuary for Christmas. 

Right before Christmas, we found out that we are having a baby girl! I always thought I wanted to have a boy first, but now I could not be more excited about my little Phi Mu legacy!!

Jared and his fraternity brothers have been doing a Fantasy Football league for three years now so I decided that if I am going to have to watch NFL football all season long, I might as well find some way to be interested in it. We started a girls Fantasy Football league and we had such a blast all season long. I learned more than I ever thought possible about football and the NFL and I am forever hooked now. Turns out, I'm pretty good at Fantasy Football because I ended up being the champion of our league!

Jared and I were so blessed to have both of our families all together for Christmas this year. 

Our last Christmas as a family of two!

We celebrated my dear friend, Lindsay, and her fiance, David, at a bridal shower. 

Our Seminoles finished the season 13-0, ranked #1 in the nation and got a bid to the BCS National Championship! Our quarterback, Jameis Winston, won the Heisman Trophy as well. Jared and I can't wait to kick off 2014 from Pasadena, California cheering on our Noles!

Luckily, the later portion of this year started to redeem itself. The first 9 months of 2013 were rough for me, especially since fertility treatments were controlling my entire life, but things really started to turn around in the last 3 months of the year. I guess it just shows that there is so much that we do not have control over. Ultimately, God has a plan in mind for us and everything will happen according to His plan. This year, I just had to have faith that God was not going to leave me and that His plan would end up being what was best for me. In the end, that faith prevailed and I couldn't be happier.

This year had its fair share of rocky points up until the very last days of 2013. In this final week of the year, I feel like my entire house is falling apart. Our washing machine has broken in a way that required us to purchase a brand new one. And of course since it broke right before Christmas, I couldn't get a new one delivered until yesterday. You never appreciate simple appliances like washing machines, until you have to do without one for almost two weeks. Our guest bathroom toilet broke in addition to some other plumbing issues that required me to call a plumber out today so that we could have a working toilet for our NYE get together tonight. Our water filter in our refrigerator is broken so we have no ice or filtered water, requiring us to have to buy bags of ice and bottled water until we can order a replacement part. Sadie has two infected toenails which required me to take her to the vet (always a nightmare of an experience) for some antibiotics and a foot wrap, which the vet informed me I have to keep dry and clean for the next week. Um, have you met Sadie? She is never clean or dry for more than 30 seconds because she runs around our yard like a wild banshee. The vet tells me this information while Sadie is running in circles around her and simply gives me a "good luck" before she leaves the room. So I have been chasing Sadie around all week trying to keep a plastic baggie covering her bandage. I also dislocated/sprained my left thumb about two weeks ago and of course did nothing about it except ice it because there isn't really much you can do about it. I have noticed this week that it is hurting more and swelling regularly. Of course it is my left thumb and I am left handed, so I have no strength in my left thumb/hand. I guess I should get this resolved before June when I'm holding a baby non-stop.

Yes, all of these things literally happened in the last week. Trust me, no one is more ready for 2014 than this girl. All of these experiences this week have really made me miss my dad more than ever. Being a home builder, he always fixed all of my house problems for me. Today was the first time I ever had to seek out a professional on my own and pay him to come into my home to fix something. In the past, my dad would either come over and fix whatever was needed, tell Jared how to best fix it or send one of his guys over to fix it if it was beyond something he or Jared could do. When Jared and I were wandering around Lowe's this week looking for a new washing machine, I so wished I could call my dad so he could tell me which one to buy. When Jared was trying to fix the toilet and we couldn't get the water to the house to shut off properly, my first instinct was to call my dad to ask him how to turn off the city meter. While Jared and I have been messing around with our new water filter trying to figure out why it won't work, I know that if I could just call my dad he would know exactly what we needed to do. I have baseboards that need to be fixed, drywall that needs to be repaired and so many things in my house that I look at everyday and think to myself, I wish I could call dad to come fix these things. Don't get me wrong, my husband is extremely handy and can fix almost all the things that need fixing around our house. However, he is so busy with work and school that I want him to be able to relax and spend time with me during his free time, not be my non-stop handyman. I think I am also feeling this way lately because we have finally started working on the nursery and I so wish that my dad was here to help me design it. Although Jared and I are perfectly capable of doing everything in the nursery on our own, my dad always had great ideas that I would never even think of. That's what 30 years of building custom homes will get you. Plus, being a builder's kid has given me extremely high standards of home design and I want this nursery to be perfect. Hopefully, my dad will send me some inspiration from above.

So that is where we are today, as 2013 comes to a close. I know that these end of the year posts are supposed to be fun and upbeat, so I apologize for mine being so deep and solemn. I am glad to be leaving 2013 behind me and moving forward with the life lessons I have learned in this past year. I am definitely forever changed after this year, but I know it is for the better. I am excited for all that 2014 has to bring, especially my baby girl!

Cheers to 2014! Let's make it a great one!