I Drive Your Truck

We all grieve in different ways. I've been told that there is no wrong way to grieve, which is a good thing because I'm pretty sure that I'm probably as far away as possible from your textbook definition of the "grieving process".

Today marks the one year anniversary of my father's death. It also marks what would have been his 60th birthday. Today is also one of my dear childhood friends' birthdays as well as they day that Jared and I got engaged. Which for me, makes this day more about celebration than grief. My dad was always big about celebrating his birthday. He made sure that everyone knew when it was and always joked about what kind of extravaganza we were going to have for it. Therefore, July 20th has always been a day of celebration for my entire life. Which is why even though I now have another holiday to honor on this date every year, I am still going to celebrate. I will celebrate God bringing my dad into this world. I will celebrate God bringing my childhood friend into this world whom I never would have even known if it wasn't for my dad because he was friends with her mom in high school. I will celebrate God blessing my husband and I in marriage because my dad knew that even after he was gone that Jared would always take care of his little girl. The way I see it, today is a day for celebration and it always will be that way for me at least.

I choose not to reflect on or replay what happened on this day last year because then I just get into that whole could'a, should'a, would'a which is no good because I know that ultimately I just have to have faith in God's plan. There is nothing I or any other person could have done to change what happened on that day. While I dislike God's plan sometimes (y'all seriously have no idea how much I really dislike God's plan sometimes), I just have to have faith in what is to come. We all do.

Over the past year, I have not once visited my dad's grave site. The last time I was actually in that cemetery was on the day of his funeral. I know, go ahead and judge me. Remember, it's my grieving process so I get to do what I want. While this may seem weird or disrespectful, I have a good reason. Being there only reminds me of the bad things. It reminds me of having to plan the funeral. It reminds me of having to face all those people and have them feel sorry for me. That is not how I like to remember my dad. I don't feel his presence when I go to his grave, so I don't go there.

That is where the title of this post comes in. Thank you Lee Brice. If you have never heard this song before, I have the video posted at the bottom of this post. This song sums up exactly how I feel about my grieving process. When it first came out on the radio, I couldn't listen to it all the way through. Simply because sobbing hysterically while driving on I-95 just isn't safe. Yet, this song says it all. While I don't have access to my dad's truck, I have access to other things that make me feel exactly how I imagine the guy in this song feels. So rather than going to my dad's grave site, I drive around Jacksonville. I go into neighborhoods and drive past people's houses (trust me, not as creepy as it sounds). Over the course of 35 years, my dad built a lot of beautiful homes in this city. He put so much of himself, his heart and soul, into every custom home he built. So that is where I go, to those homes. That is where I feel him.

So instead of feeling sorry for me, do me a favor. Go out, celebrate your wonderful life and have a beer in Rocky's honor today :)