Battle of the Religions

When you get married, there are a lot of compromises that have to be made. Where are you going to live? Who is going to be in charge of paying the bills? How will you split up the holidays between your families? And one of the most challenging compromises to make...which religious denomination are you going to follow? Now, if you and your spouse both come from the same religious background, then that's a no brainier. However, what happens when you come from different or even opposing religious backgrounds? Which one is the "right" one?

I don't usually get into these serious topics on my blog, but I know a lot of people who are going through (or have gone through) this "battle" with their significant other, so I wanted to share my story.

Jared grew up in the Catholic Church and I grew up in the Methodist Church. We both attended church on Sundays with our families growing up and both of us went through Confirmation in our respective churches. Once we met in college, the topic never really was a big deal because neither of us regularly attended church at school. When we went home for holidays, we would attend church with our families, but it was never a major part of our relationship. We were both Christians, so which "type" of Christian we were really wasn't an issue at that time.

Prior to our wedding, we had to go through marriage counseling with my family's pastor to get our marriage license. He was the one who ended up marrying us since we got married in my hometown. During the counseling, we decided that we would obviously raise our children in Christianity, in a church that we would decide on together. At the time, we just weren't sure which church that would be.

Once we got married, the search for the right church began. At that point, both of us had attended Catholic and Methodist services multiple times and we knew one thing for sure...I did not want to be Catholic and Jared did not want to be Methodist. Well, that's inconvenient. So things became a bit more challenging. I guess I always assumed that when I got married, either my husband or I would take on the other person's religion. Being that we live in Jacksonville, and my family already has a church here that I grew up in, I thought that I was going to win this battle. I was wrong. And I must say that I gave in very easily to losing my home field advantage. As soon as Jared said that he did not think that our Methodist church was the right one for us, I agreed and we moved on. I was determined to find a church that both Jared and I enjoyed and were comfortable in. I learned that this is not a battle to be won by either party.

Alas, our new dilemma became...which denomination is right for us? We know we don't want to be Catholic or Methodist, but which denomination do we want to be? So we went through them all to find the right fit. And guess what, none of them were the right fit. Fail.

This was our ah-ha moment. We realized that we shouldn't be looking for a denomination or a label for our religion. Being able to say, "We are Catholic" or "We are Methodist", means nothing. We discovered that we needed to find the right group of people to worship with and when we found them, that would be our church;  no matter which "label" the church had on the sign out front.

After more than 3 years of marriage, we finally found our church last summer. At first, I felt like I was abandoning the Methodist church by not staying with that denomination, but I realized that all those years of saying, "I am Methodist" just gave me a label, but didn't make me any different from any other Christian out there. Our new church is technically under the governing body of the Presbyterian Church, but for months I actually thought this church was non-denominational because they don't actively advertise their "label".

I never would have imagined that I would end up at this church. It's not very traditional. People wear whatever they want. There are no fancy pews or stained glass windows, but I still love it. And what I love about it has nothing to do with the building the service takes place in, but the people who are inside it. The first time we ever attended service there, I knew right away that it was the right fit for us. For probably the first time ever, I actually related to what the pastor was saying. It wasn't like he was up there preaching to me. It was more like he was one of our friends and we were just having a conversation. I got more out of that 30 minute sermon, than I have in 25 years of attending church. And every week that I go back, I learn something new.

The idea of raising my children in this church makes me excited because I am hoping that they will benefit greatly from the wonderful community that our church has to offer. The people in that church are the people who I want my children to be exposed to and learn from. And when my children grow-up and get married, I hope that attending a church that doesn't focus on a "label" will ensure that they won't have to experience this identity crisis like I did of having to leave behind my labeled religious denomination and find a new one.

So my advice to people who are going through this "battle" with their spouse is this...

Neither of you has to win or lose this battle. You are not abandoning your religion. Don't join your spouse's religion just because you feel like that is the "right" thing to do. Find a church that fits the two of you as a couple, no matter which "label" it has.

Instead, find all the churches in your area and every Sunday, go to a different one. At the service, talk to the people in the congregation around you and the pastor/priest/religious leader/whatever you want to call them and ask yourself if you can relate to these people. Do you feel comfortable around them? Would you want to be friends with them outside of church? After the service, talk to your spouse about the sermon. Did you get anything out of it? Did you actually learn something or did you feel like you were just sitting in church because it is what you are "supposed" to be doing on Sunday morning? Don't pay attention to what people are wearing or what the church looks like. It doesn't matter what denomination the church is. If it feels right and comfortable, and you feel like you are actually getting something out of it, then you know it is the right fit for you. Happy Sunday :)