Men and Cocktails

Have you ever noticed that you can tell a lot about a man by the type of cocktail he chooses to drink? Back when I was single and in college, my best friend and I would totally judge every man in the bar by what he was drinking. If a guy came up to us to flirt, the drink in his hand was usually the determining factor as to whether we were going to be polite and at least cordial enough to say hello or if we were going to laugh in his face and walk away.

Say a guy approaches with a beer in his hand, he at least deserves a polite hello. If he's holding a whiskey, even better. That guy would probably get a full conversation out of us. If we're at a nice bar and he's holding a scotch, we're probably already planning out our wedding vows. On the other hand, if he's holding anything brightly colored or mixed with vodka, he should expect to be laughed at, made fun of and told to go f**k off.

The inspiration for this blog post comes from the book I'm reading, "50 Shades of Grey". I simply can't get over the fact that the author of this book has made Christian Grey's signature cocktail white wine. What a horrendous choice for his character. What kind of man drinks white wine? I'll tell you what kind...a sissy one. White wine is by far the last thing I would ever expect a character like Christian Grey to be drinking. Even red wine would have been a much more acceptable choice. I could also see him drinking like a dirty martini or something; however, the best choice would obviously have been scotch. Perfect example for those of you who watch Gossip Girl...Chuck Bass drinks scotch, need I say more?

Thus leading me to my main point here. What a man's cocktail tells you about him...

White wine - I'm either holding this for my girlfriend while she's in the bathroom or I'm not a real man.

Vodka - same a white wine...or I like to pretend that I'm staring in a rap video being filmed in South Beach

Dirty Martini - the only acceptable reason for a man to drink out of a martini glass simply because James Bond drinks one

Rum - I'm either still in high school or going to a Jimmy Buffett concert

Margarita - only acceptable at Mexican restaurants or on Cinco de Mayo

Beer - I'm planning on drinking for many hours today and I've adopted the mentality that drinking is a marathon not a sprint. I'm taking it easy tonight, I don't feel like blowing a bunch of money, or I'm the designated driver.

Whiskey - I'm a real man's man. They write country music songs about guys like me.

Scotch - the cocktail that screams money, power and class

So next time you head out to the bar, be sure you keep this advice in mind when choosing a man to waste your time on. Trust me, that guy with the vodka cranberry does not know how to do squat. I promise you he won't be able to satisfy your spider-killing/flat-tire-changing/toilet-unclogging needs...or any of your other needs for that matter. Oh my, that was inappropriate...my bad :)